My Fear Of Doctors Is Further Fueled!

fireI interrupt my lovely vacation for this much needed rant…

I told you my fear of doctors was warranted, Modern Philosophers!  My PCP’s office poured a drum of fuel onto that fire this afternoon and nearly ruined my vacation.

It’s probably my own fault for answering my cell phone in the middle of my nature walk, but the ring just sounded important.  It was my doctor’s office informing (annoying) me that the Nurse Practitioner, who had seen me for my physical because my PCP was on maternity leave, wanted me to make an appointment to discuss my lab results.

bad-newsRed lights, alarms, bells, and whistles all went off simultaneously in my head, each trying to be louder than the other.  My stomach dropped and I went into early onset panic mode.

I offered to come in either of the next two days because I was on vacation, but was told the NP wasn’t available.

So I asked to be told my lab results over the phone.  I was told that could not be done.  I asked if the NP could call me and review them with me.  I was told I could be put on a cancellation list for an appointment.

I ended the call and went into full panic mode.  This was my worst fear realized.  My father had gone in for a yearly physical, and got a call telling him he had cancer and six months to live.  Now I was getting a phone call about some secret ailment that was so horrific, the doctor’s office couldn’t risk even whispering its name over the phone.

This is what happens when one is neurotic and has a very creative imagination.  I could feel my heart trying to pound its way out of my chest and the bile filling my stomach.  I was going to be sick.

bloodWhat the hell was wrong?  What could possibly be in my blood or urine that necessitated my going back to the doctor?  I’d had lab work done at work about 6 weeks okay for my medical insurance, and my results were so good that I was given a discount on my premium.

I texted The Girl Who Knows How To Soothe Me, told her what was happening, and asked her to please calm me down.  I was so flustered and she’s the only one who knows how to settle me.  Of course, I was so frazzled that I completely blanked on the fact that she is off at school learning to become a doctor.

The Girl Who Is The Austin Whisperer got me to calm down long enough to convince me to call the doctor’s office, demand my results, and get specific numbers for her to interpret.  I am certain that my Brooklyn accent “slipped out” when I called, explained that the office’s previous call had ruined my vacation, and demanded to speak to someone immediately about my lab results.

Immediately turned out to take a few minutes as I was put on hold.  I texted The Girl Who Calms Me and she reminded me to breathe.  Finally, the MA got on the phone, said the NP was standing right next to her, and there had been a mistake.  One of my labs was slightly elevated, but that only put me at average risk for something most people over 30 are at average risk for.  There was no need to come into the office, no reason for my vacation to be ruined, and all I needed to do was take one baby aspirin a day as a precaution.

Scary DoctorWere they kidding me?  They put me into full blown panic mode for no reason?  It was a good thing no one was around to take my blood pressure at that moment because it probably would’ve made the cuff explode.

Two years ago, this NP had done something similar.  She sent me to the hospital to have an ultrasound for a suspicious mass, which had me nervous given that my father had died of cancer.

The radiologist at the hospital looked at the results and told me it wasn’t cancer.  A day later, I get a call from my doctor’s office that the NP saw my ultrasound and wants me to come in to schedule more tests and a trip to a specialist.

I went berserk.

I told them that the radiologist had cleared me, and I asked that my usual PCP look at the results.  She did and she agreed with the radiologist.

serenity-nowSerenity now.  Serenity now.

I tracked down some baby aspirin and began my treatment as soon as I felt a calmness wash over me.

Stress levels are back at vacation time levels now, but my memory isn’t ready to let go.  I was supposed to go for a moonlight flight, but I canceled that because I knew it would be impossible for me to concentrate on keeping my broom airborne.

The next time anyone gives me crap about my fear of going to the doctor, I’ve got this story all cued up and ready to go.  Serenity now!!!!!!!




About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to My Fear Of Doctors Is Further Fueled!

  1. floridaborne says:

    I’ve run into that before, too. You are fortunate to have The Girl Who Doesn’t Panic to cam you down when something like this happens. Have you thought about getting a doctor’s office that understands how stupid it is to call someone, say there’s a problem, then make them wait–especially a writer? Years ago, one doctor wanted to put me on cholesterol drugs. I said, emphatically, no. Why? Because ads for it and writing pads had the name of the drug on it and my cholesterol was 110. There are good doctor’s offices out there, and then there are doctor’s offices that are just plain “out there.”

  2. Catherine Johnson says:

    Oh dear! Back to snooze mode I hope.

  3. iamfunny2 says:

    Think happy thoughts, unicorns and sexy witches and enjoy what’s left of your vacation.

  4. frugoal says:

    A girl who calms one down…girls like this exist?

  5. Hollie says:

    I think you should go see that girl!

  6. nicoleep says:

    I don’t share your fear of doctor’s but I do share your fear of their phone calls, and could definitely rant about this countries unfortunate health care system, but that’s far too exhausting, and unnecessary now that you’re feeling better.

  7. blastedgoat says:

    I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and I’m terrified! It does help to talk about it and know that I’m not alone in my fear. Glad things worked out for you. I’m hoping for a less stressful visit…

  8. MainerChick says:

    Sounds like my old NP who told me that because of my smoking history I was at a higher risk for… blah blah blah…. I don’t smoke & haven’t ever smoked. WTF? She was stupid and I dropped her like a hot rock. I found a new DO in the same practice but now she’s leaving. 😦 I’m very sad.
    I have this fear about dentists… so much so that I need little something to calm me just to go for my hygienist appointments. (shot of whiskey or such) kidding.
    Enjoy the rest of your vacation.

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