Bangor’s New Cloning Store Offering 2 For 1 Special

The doors opened today on Maine’s first Cloning Store, and this Modern Philosopher was one of the first in line to take a gander at the place.  Located on Stillwater Avenue in Bangor, right across the street from the Bangor Mall, Tyrell’s Clones is difficult to miss.  The store looks like something out of a Sci Fi flick, and I kept waiting for Harrison Ford or George Lucas to run out to greet me.

Instead, I was greeted by Dr. Eldon Tyrell, the store’s owner and the magnificent mind that mastered the art of cloning.  Tyrell was more than happy to give me a tour of the store and his top secret facility, which is housed in a bunker beneath his place of business.

It was in Tyrell’s bunker office that I conducted my interview.  The whole time, my host kept an eye on business via the dozens of monitors mounted on the walls.

“I’ve been intrigued at the idea of cloning ever since I was boy growing up as an only child,” Tyrell explained.  “I always wished I’d had a sibling, but then the more I saw my friends interact with their brothers and sisters, the more I realized I really wished I’d had a twin.  I wanted an exact copy of me, so I’d know for sure we’d have everything in common and always want to be together.  No sibling rivalry, just mutual admiration.”

Tyrell tried to explain the basics of cloning, and showed me plenty of charts, graphs, and computer simulations, but I have to admit that it all went completely over my head.  I might be a Deep Thinker, but my host was thinking thoughts deeper than an abyss.

“Clones should be very popular, especially now that it’s Summer,” Tyrell told me, and I was relieved to once again be able to follow the conversation.  “Who wants to work when the weather is so beautiful?  Why not send your clone to the office while you head to the beach, go on a vacation, or just stay home and do a little grilling?”

I could definitely get behind that concept, and volunteered that in Winter, clones could be sent out to shovel the snow, start up the car, or take the kids sledding.  He nodded emphatically, clearly happy that I understood why clones were a good thing.

“The only problem at this point is that they are very expensive to produce and maintain,” Tyrell said glumly.  “That’s why I’m hoping my 2 for 1 Grand Opening special will attract some customers, who’ll show their friends how amazing it is to have a clone, and the friends will then figure out how to make it financially viable.  People’s United Bank has agreed to offer a special low rate to new customers seeking a Clone Loan.”

I pressed the genius store owner on why he decided to open his store now if the science was still so new and the cost of the product so prohibitive.  “Truth be told, Austin, I need to raise capital and awareness of the Tyrell name.  I want to expand beyond one store, and dream of one day heading up a major corporation.  I was also hoping that the resident Aliens might be intrigued and willing to help me with my ultimate goal.”

That got me intrigued.  I needed to know what that goal was, and why it would require so much capital and Alien technology.  Tyrell rose from his chair excitedly, crossed the room, and pressed his palm against what I had incorrectly assumed was a mirror.  The “mirror” glowed a bright green as it scanned his palm print, and then the wall opened to reveal a mighty vault.  “This is my dream,” he told me as a huge smile spread across his face.

Tyrell revealed what looked like a Robot, which automatically caused my heart to leap.  “This is the prototype, a one of a kind being, the beginning of what I hope will be my most amazing achievement.  I call it The Replication.”  (Please see the photo on the left for a glimpse of Tyrell’s Replication).

“It’s still several years away from completion without help from our Alien friends,” he explained as he stared at his creation with awe.  “When it’s done, it will look, sound, and act exactly like a human.  Not a clone, but a being so life like, it will be able to pass as one of us.  How exciting is that?”

Given my issues with The Machines and the threat of a Robot Apocalypse, I have to admit, I was stunned I didn’t wet my toga at the sight of the Replication and upon hearing Tyrell’s plans for the…thing.

He locked away his prototype, and assured me it was okay to write about it in my blog because he held all the patents and copyrights, and we was years, if not a decade ahead of any of his competitors.  In fact, he urged me to spread the word about what he had in store for the world because he knew it would help him attract the funding and the interest he needed to achieve his goal.

I thanked Dr. Tyrell for the tour, took a brochure on cloning, and promised him I would be back soon to discuss a future purchase.

I’m telling you right now, Modern Philosophers, there’s no way in hell I’m ever going back inside that store.  I don’t think my nerves could take it, knowing what’s locked away in the vault down in the bunker…