Excited Biologist Announces: “I Know Why Birds Suddenly Appear Every Time You Are Near!”

University of Maine’s Dr. Robert Arlington will tell you that he’s been a Biologist for most of his adult life, but a fan of music since the day he was born.  That’s why he was very excited to get to the bottom of a mystery that has been tantalizing the human race for ages.

“Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?” Dr. Arlington sings to this Modern Philosopher when we meet in his office on the school’s Orono campus.

“Because they want to be close to me?” I answer, unsure if I need to phrase my reply in the form of a song.

Dr. Arlington, a pleasant man in his mid-fifties laughs at my reply.  With him in his lab coat and I in my toga, we look like a couple of old school scholars yacking it up as we ponder the deeper thoughts of life.  In truth, I am begrudgingly doing a favor for a friend in Administration who got me center ice seats for U Maine’s recent hockey game against Boston College.  Payback is, in fact, a bitch, my dear Modern Philosophers!

Rather than bore you with the details of Dr. Arlington’s research, I’ll boil it down to the nuts and bolts for you.  He spent a year living in the North Woods and earning the trust of the birds there.  Once he had their trust, he had to learn their language.  After that, it was just a matter of working the conversation around to his big question.

The birds’ answer?  I’ll let the good doctor tell you: “Birds like to be around woman with pretty hair because they want to steal the hair to make their nests.  Mystery solved.”

Mystery solved indeed.  And since I will one day again want hockey tickets to a sold out game, I played nice and asked Dr. Arlington what’s next for him now that this great challenge was out of the way.

Don’t shoot the messenger.  I just write down what the interviewee says to me.  Next up for the bird chatterer?  He’s going to tackle another mind boggler.  Oh, I’ll just let him tell you so I can try to save some face on this entry.

“I’m going to team with a friend in the Math Department to calculate exactly how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood.”

I told you it was painful.  Damn you, U Maine Hockey for being such a difficult ticket!