Church Group Declares KFC’s “I Ate The Bones” Campaign Pornographic

Ate the BonesThe good people of Bangor were blessed today with a visit from an uptight church group from Kansas known as “The Keepers of the Commandments”.  The group, which is currently making its way across the country to protest Kentucky Fried Chicken’s latest ad campaign, set up shop outside of the KFC on Broadway.

This Modern Philosopher went to the protest in hopes of finding (in no particular order): a good story, a few laughs, and free chicken.  I happen to think the “I ate the bones!” commercials are annoying and depict Americans as rather stupid (good job, TV, you are getting the job done!), but these Midwest Farmers’ Daughters and Sons had their panties in a bunch because they believed the ads to be pornographic.

Crypt KeeperI took a moment to speak to some of the Keepers (who I have delightfully dubbed The Crypt Keepers of the Commandments since most of them are old, creepy, and shriveled up in a manner that makes it look like their senses of humor were sucked right out of them!) and tried to understand (with a straight face) what all the fuss was about.

“The phrase ‘I ate the bone!’ is a thinly veiled comment about the lewd act of oral sex,” Hildegard Finney shouted at me (apparently to be heard over the voices in her head).  “They are broadcasting this disgusting message during family hour on the television, and we will not stand for such hedonistic blasphemy!”

KFC“We have children and grandchildren, who we allow to watch the television after they’ve done their chores and memorized their Bible verses,” explained Barnabas Spinney.  “And now instead of running around the yard quoting our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they’re quoting a commercial about sodomy.  This is not acceptable.”

Colonel Sanders was probably turning over in his grave as these ancient hillbillies raised a hullabaloo in front of one of his stores.  They screamed loud and long (like someone having his bone eaten???) from their soapboxes, but that did not seem to deter any business from the establishment.

One gentleman exited the location with a bucket of chicken under each arm, and asked me what all the fuss was about.  After I’d explained it to him, he began to scream “Eat my bone!” at the top of his lungs as he ran around the startled protestors.

soapboxThree teenage boys bought a bucket of boneless chicken, and then spent the next ten minutes alternating between tossing it at the protestors and eating it very erotically in front of them.

You really do have to love Mainers and their unbridled enthusiasm.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Have the Holy Rollers gone too far this time?  Do you think that commercial is at all pornographic in nature?  Are you like me in that you are totally craving fried chicken at this point???

As soon as I’ve taken care of my finger lickin’ good cravings, I promise to reply to all of your comments…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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31 Responses to Church Group Declares KFC’s “I Ate The Bones” Campaign Pornographic

  1. jaklumen says:

    Oh good grief. KFC says “I Ate The Bones”, not “I Ate The Boners”.

    Three teenage boys bought a bucket of boneless chicken, and then spent the next ten minutes alternating between tossing it at the protestors and eating it very erotically in front of them.

    Oh really? Erotically? That sounds about as realistic as a redneck Asian cowboy getting funky, or about as erotic as the robot chicken dance.

  2. PhonyonStaff says:

    “Between the bone eating and the women dating the Geico pig, this country is doomed”…is what a crazy person might say. The late Colonel probably smashed his mint julep glass with courtly outrage upon witnessing such activity.

  3. Hollie says:

    Those Westboro Baptist people we’ve got here in Kansas will protest just about anything! They’d have definitely said something about how Colonel Sanders being gay, they hate gays the most. Thankfully, someone bought the house right across from their home base and painted the siding with rainbow colors and it stands as a center for equality!

    • Austin says:

      Amen! Gotta have some acceptance! And some fried chicken…

    • jaklumen says:

      Oh, there’s suggestion from at least one expelled ex-member that Fred Phelps is a deeply self-repressed homosexual himself (she asked him flat out if he was gay and he got enraged, but would not answer the question), which I think would explain volumes.

      • Hollie says:

        Of course he is a repressed homosexual. Homophobic people usually are. Add that to some bat shit crazy and a band of lunatic followers and you have the Westboro baptist church.

      • jaklumen says:

        Wasn’t meaning to overstate the obvious, and actually, in my experience, some homophobic folks actually… aren’t. There’s a spectrum of factors from what I can see. And folks can be pretty prejudiced about orientation regardless of their own orientation and personal beliefs. I’m speaking from my own personal experience, mind you, e.g., folks that get mad when people aren’t 100% gay or 100% straight (like me), or won’t fit neatly into their categorized views of the world. It’s not just the Westboro crazies that tell me I am doomed and unworthy… but yes, they are pretty easy to grow tired of.

  4. 1wanderingtruthseeker says:

    I always wondered what sodomy was. I thought if was a butt thing.

  5. Drops of Ink says:

    I used to eat the bones all the time, but then I realized I was more into the breast.. meat that is..

  6. I’ll pass on the KFC, but no mention of the K-Y commercials from these gentle folks? They’re slipping.

  7. reocochran says:

    I have to laugh at this! So funny, you found a way to capture a few people’s attention so far! I hope you get a ton more! Never expected this when I came by… Till later, Robin

  8. reidhardaway says:

    I didn’t think it was pornographic … but now I cant think anything else 😦

  9. List of X says:

    The commercial is not pornographic. It’s just there are people who think about sex way too much.

  10. ksbeth says:

    I love everything about this )

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