It’s time for a new feature on the blog, Modern Philosophers. The reason behind this is twofold:
First, I’d like to improve reader participation. One of my favorite things about having this blog is interacting with you. There was a time when the comment section on posts overflowed with Deep Thoughts from you. Lately, however, things have been a little quiet and I seriously miss our exchanges.
So, I’m encouraging everyone who reads this post to actually use the comment section to answer the question posed in the title of this post. I’d also love for you to share the post and get your friends to comment on it, too.
Let’s make the comments on this blog vibrant and exciting again.
Secondly, I’m looking to do a little self-improvement. Let’s face it, Modern Philosophers, I’ve been a sorry sack of $%^& since Melissa decided to stay in Ireland. Some of the posts I’ve written are so pathetic that I want to punch myself in the face.
But then I don’t really want to damage this handsome mug, you know?
After my attempt to extend an olive branch to The Sweet Irish Girl was met so harshly on St. Patrick’s Day, I realized that something must be horribly wrong if someone who once loved me enough to want to marry me cannot even be decent to me.
My first Deep Thought, my default setting if you will, was that it had to be me. There’s something wrong with me that turns love into hate, and I want to figure out what it is so that I can reverse engineer it.
As you know, I keep a team of super brainy, lab coat wearing scientists in my basement to help me with such matters, but they can’t do their brainiac reverse engineering magic until I give them data for their algorithms and formulas.
This is where you come in, Modern Philosophers. Some of you actually know me, have met me, and have gone toga shopping with me. Most of you, however, only know me via this blog and by creeping on my Facebook profile (no judgments here!).
What I’d like you to do now is take what you know about me, mix in a little philosophy, a little hypothetical thinking, and then put all the blame on your best friend.
What is it about me that would make your best friend hate me?
I’ll take all data because the nerds need as much information as possible to come up with the proper scientific formula for friendship. Once they’ve got that done, I’ll collect more data to figure out the algorithm for what makes someone a perfect romantic match.
So any input is welcome. I’ll take anything from the silly like “You’re too tall” or “You like the Yankees” to the more hurtful, but ultimately helpful, “You’re a loser know it all, who thinks he’s God’s gift to writing“.
It’s all part of my master plan to Make Austin Great Again! So don’t be afraid to list the reasons why your best friend would hate me. You’re doing this all in the name of science and helping a lonely introvert find happiness and friendship.
The interns are standing by to collect the data, and the scientists have all put on freshly starched lab coats and are ready to do that nerdy thing they do.
Thank you in advance for your contribution to this important, groundbreaking study. I look forward to being less pathetic and more interesting!
After you submit your answers and share this post with your friends, don’t forget to follow me on my blog and on Pinterest!
My best friend can’t hate you as I can’t afford a best friend.
I hear they are on sale at JCPenny… 🙂
But the postage from the U.S.is prohibitive. much easier to buy a budgie over here. Hugs
I’m a very recent follower of your blog and I find it to be quite entertaining. However, in order to take an educated guess at your question, I am going to pretend that my best friend is an idiot. With terminal ADD. And dyslexia. Therefore, he/she is always complaining about your blog, “Why can’t he write something shorter? This is too much reading! What do all these big words mean?” That being said, I doubt you’d want my learning disabled best friend to post too many comments here anyway.
Well, perhaps you can do some reading with your friend and make him/her realize that reading is fundamental. 🙂
Nah… my best friend wouldn’t hate you – she’s a libra and is always fair & non judgemental 😊 The Irish girl is probably green round the gills with jealousy my virtual friend …. 😜
Hmmm…I hope the scientists can use this data. 🙂
Why do you care what my best friend thinks of you? The only person you have to please is yourself.
Maybe it’s no one’s fault, some things are just meant to be, buckle up and move on till you find what is 🙂
Or just not meant to be I should have said.
It’s a scientific experiment. This is what pleases me. 🙂
I am hesitant to post as I will not use the word “hate”. That is a very hurtful and angry word. Also, my friend doesn’t really know you so can only comment on what she/he assumes to know. I tend to say things that irritate people (I am an old know-it-all lady, after all). But, if my friend were to comment, she/he might say something like…”That Austin really wants someone special in his life and that is understandable. But, what I’m confused about (instead of hate about) is why he seems to fall so fast and so hard for someone. Maybe it is a little too much for the other person and scares them?” As I said, I don’t know you really, I just know what comes to my (friend’s) mind sometimes when reading the posts. My friend is in no way trying to be hurtful, I promise!
Excellent input for the scientists. Thank you. 🙂
I was afraid you would be mad at my…friend.
Never. I’m a very easygoing kind of guy. 🙂
I’m not even going to blame this on my fictional best friend, Austin. And, again, this isn’t about “hate.” In fact, I’m going to riff a little off what grannyK wrote. You do fall hard and fast, maybe too fast. You have said in here that you have maternal abandonment issues. I suspect that you are attracted to women who (you believe somewhere deep down inside) are going to leave you. Then you try to work out your abandonment issues with these women — which, if they are healthy at all, will cause them to leave you. Every time it happens, it just makes the abandonment issues worse. So, if you’re going to look inside your own head, check out the abandonment stuff. Abandonment issues make people desperate and desperate people will make most normal people run screaming from the room.
My deeply thoughtful two cents.
I hope everyone realizes that I’m well aware I have abandonment issues. I’m thick headed, but I’m not stupid. 🙂
I think there is just no excuse for being mean to someone. I missed the harsh rejection blog, but that’s my opinion.
And your opinion shall be passed along to the scientists. Thank you!
Following on from the last couple of posts…my besties have all been guys
so They would say something along the lines , used on me
“whats with the words dude/mate? sheesh!! no body writes these days when you can google it. God why do you have to be so particular? Maybe your just too good for me? like you can cook, shop to a budget – and not just buy dirty old mince to eat all the time but real food- write, read, don’t mind watching all sorts of sports, TV. etc? Why cannot you just chill?
“Damn you are….just so nice to everyone don’t you have any flaws?”
Personally I wish I did not live on the other side of the world because i would like to be your friend, help read your monologues, scribbling, shovel your driveway, and be visited by the devil, the penguins and all the worldly other things at your house. Not quite sure about the baseball and gridiron fascination but i would give it a go. Maine looks like a nice place to live. I reckon you would be fun to go have pancakes, bacon and all that other stuff you Americans call breakfast with on any given day..
Thanks, Louise. That’s very sweet! I’ve learned my lesson, though, about falling far bloggers from the other side of the world. 🙂
Well my best friend doesn’t hate you but she doesn’t like (not hate) my own “HE” so that is all I can write about. She doesn’t like “HE” cuz he acted like a jerk when we first met as “HE” was very jealous and didn’t keep it inside. I changed some and I changed some and we still pal around as a 3-some, particularly on our anniversary when “HE” met she. It has been 21 years so it didn’t matter all that much that they didn’t get along so well. Maybe you displayed some jealousy and or insecurity with your “Sweet Irish Girl” and should take more of your own dating advice next time ’round.
Also, while I find it refreshing and even cute some might find your extra in with the devil suspect. However, those are my favorite posts so don’t listen to “HE” and keep writing Sundays with Lucifer.
One other thing, while you didn’t ask about reasons “SHE” won’t attempt even minimal polite conversation maybe her best friend hated you too or worse “SHE” has read some of your more relationship personal blogs and doesn’t find them as funny when she is a featured character. Just a thought though it doesn’t really have any relationship to the question as posed.
This is too deep, now I “hate” you cuz I don’t want to answer questions or think. ~~dru~~
Great data. Thank you!
I hope this goes better than the last guy who used a slogan like that
Well he’s failing at making an entire country great again. I’ve just set my sights on making on person great. 🙂
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I can ask my imaginary stalker Cyndi and get back to you….
So your best friend is an imaginary stalker? Hmmm….
You are confusing best friend with imaginary stalker. There’s a big difference. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to have an imaginary stalker (they are a little harder to find than an imaginary best friend)