Why Does Your Best Friend Hate Me?

It’s time for a new feature on the blog, Modern Philosophers.  The reason behind this is twofold:

First, I’d like to improve reader participation.  One of my favorite things about having this blog is interacting with you.  There was a time when the comment section on posts overflowed with Deep Thoughts from you.  Lately, however, things have been a little quiet and I seriously miss our exchanges.

So, I’m encouraging everyone who reads this post to actually use the comment section to answer the question posed in the title of this post.  I’d also love for you to share the post and get your friends to comment on it, too.

Let’s make the comments on this blog vibrant and exciting again.

Secondly, I’m looking to do a little self-improvement.  Let’s face it, Modern Philosophers, I’ve been a sorry sack of $%^& since Melissa decided to stay in Ireland.  Some of the posts I’ve written are so pathetic that I want to punch myself in the face.

But then I don’t really want to damage this handsome mug, you know?

After my attempt to extend an olive branch to The Sweet Irish Girl was met so harshly on St. Patrick’s Day, I realized that something must be horribly wrong if someone who once loved me enough to want to marry me cannot even be decent to me.

My first Deep Thought, my default setting if you will, was that it had to be me.  There’s something wrong with me that turns love into hate, and I want to figure out what it is so that I can reverse engineer it.

As you know, I keep a team of super brainy, lab coat wearing scientists in my basement to help me with such matters, but they can’t do their brainiac reverse engineering magic until I give them data for their algorithms and formulas.

This is where you come in, Modern Philosophers.  Some of you actually know me, have met me, and have gone toga shopping with me.  Most of you, however, only know me via this blog and by creeping on my Facebook profile (no judgments here!).

What I’d like you to do now is take what you know about me, mix in a little philosophy, a little hypothetical thinking, and then put all the blame on your best friend.

What is it about me that would make your best friend hate me?

I’ll take all data because the nerds need as much information as possible to come up with the proper scientific formula for friendship.  Once they’ve got that done, I’ll collect more data to figure out the algorithm for what makes someone a perfect romantic match.

So any input is welcome.  I’ll take anything from the silly like “You’re too tall” or “You like the Yankees” to the more hurtful, but ultimately helpful, “You’re a loser know it all, who thinks he’s God’s gift to writing“.

It’s all part of my master plan to Make Austin Great Again!  So don’t be afraid to list the reasons why your best friend would hate me.  You’re doing this all in the name of science and helping a lonely introvert find happiness and friendship.

The interns are standing by to collect the data, and the scientists have all put on freshly starched lab coats and are ready to do that nerdy thing they do.

Thank you in advance for your contribution to this important, groundbreaking study.  I look forward to being less pathetic and more interesting!

After you submit your answers and share this post with your friends, don’t forget to follow me on my blog and on Pinterest!