Broderick “Bronco” St. Germaine did not become a multimillionaire by just sitting back and resting on his laurels like most lazy Frenchmen do. Instead, he has worked furiously to turn his family’s Maine based shovel manufacturing company into a powerhouse of the shoveling world.
The CEO of St. Germaine Shovels (“St. Germaine Rhymes With Maine!” is the company’s goofy, but famous slogan) and famed self-promoter, today announced that he has personally buried a treasure chest somewhere in Maine. To help with the search, all St. Germaine Shovels are currently on sale and every one of them has a piece of a treasure map hidden under the shovel’s shrink wrap.
“I’ve always been a fan of adventure since growing up in France,” Bronco explained to this Modern Philosopher when we sat down to chat at The House on the Hill. “I’m also a businessman, and I know that Mainers buy a majority of their shovels during the nine months a year that it snows up here. I wanted to come up with a fun reason to have them buy an entirely differently kind of shovel in the non-snow months!”
The St. Germaine family has been in the shovel making business for centuries. “The French have a lot of experience with shovels,” Bronco told me as he sipped his Snapple. “Every time our country surrenders to an invader, the conquering army puts all the able bodied people to work digging ditches. As a result, the French know their way around a shovel. During World War II, the Germans, who were bastards, but world class engineers, taught my grandfather a thing or two about improving the design. After the war, the family moved to America and found its fortune manufacturing a shovel that combined French experience and German engineering.”
Mainers certainly know a few things about shoveling since it snows pretty much non-stop here from September until April. Why can’t they just use their snow shovels to dig for the treasure? “Don’t be ridiculous, Austin,” Bronco laughed. “I know Mainers believe a snow shovel can move the earth if it had to, but that is actually not true. You need a shovel with a pointed end and a sturdier design to get to this prize. I made sure to bury it good and deep. No snow shovel is going to be able to get the job done. They should trust an All-Terrain St. Germaine Shovel like the XD 450, which comes in a multitude of colors by the way.”
Forever the salesman, he had me almost willing to head up to the hardware store to buy a shovel. The cynical New Yorker in me, however, wasn’t ready to bite yet. What’s the value of this treasure? “That depends on the ever fluctuating gold market, my friend,” he replied with a wink. “I will guarantee, however, that there is at least $10,000 buried out there, somewhere in Maine, just waiting to be discovered.”
Any hints for my loyal readers? “The more shovels you buy, the more pieces of the map you get,” he answered with a smile. “Just so you know, the All-Terrain St. Germaine Shovels were recently proven to be the most effective shovel for piercing the skull of a Zombie. Why not arm your loved ones today?”
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Is Bronco St. Germaine a marketing genius? How can you not give him credit for coming up with an idea to sell another shovel to Mainers? How effective is your shovel at dispatching Zombies?
I look forward to reading your comments, but that will have to wait until I return from the hardware store…
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
Yes! Brilliant marketing. Love the All-terrain St. Germaine, I’ll take one in each color, please! Or am I insane?
Not insane at all. Get your shovels and map pieces together. We can always combine our maps and see if it helps…
Do they ship shovels to the western shores of showery states? Could my cartographic cataloging capabilities really catapult me to the cache? Oh, these are tempting trials that the All-terrain St Germaine tantalizes with indeed.
Indeed! 🙂
One thing I ABSOLUTELY HATE is a post with the hidden agenda of selling something. YET – – – and I emphasize the – – – YET – – – is that this post held my attention from beginning to end. Congratulations! Now “Bronco” St. Germaine should either hire you or just give you a bonus. POST SCRIPT: I once worked in an Archaeological organization as a “shovel bum” (lower case implies lowest rung on the archaeological ladder). We went through shovels like a high school wrestling team goes through McBurgers. Now the best shovels had wooden handles but always broke at the point where the rivets attached the handles to the steel working end. So I bought from “Auto Zone” (notice that I am not strictly opposed to blog advertisements) a fiberglass patch kit. I then wrapped the riveted area and a small portion of the wooden handle with fiberglass. Eight years later some of them still survive. The weak archaeologists complain “They are to heavy.” The ambitious archaeologists say “I like the weight.”
“ARCHAEOLOGISTS DO IT IN THE DIRT’
“ARCHAEOLGISTS GET THE POINT”
Feel free to use these two “very witty” statements as comments on your shovel labels.
Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers (I sure need them).
Remember, Wally, I’m not selling anything. I am simply reporting the news as it happens here in Maine. I do not gain anything form the sale of St Germaine Shovels unless the one I just bought leads to my finding the treasure… 🙂
I KNOW – – – I KNOW! I was yanking your chain. Sorry that I am such an – – – well, you know. So Austin, my apologies for ranting about nothing. I knew you really were not advertising but rather lauding the shovel that you love best. Good luck on the treasure hunt.
You can make it up to me by buying me a St. Germaine Shovel… 😉
OK. I guess I will have to go to their site and find out where the nearest store is located.
Order online and they’ll ship it to The House on the Hill for free. Green is my favorite color… 🙂