Yankees Hire Maine Witch To Assist With ARod’s Rehab

Volcanica Ivy, the Maine Witch who recently made national headlines (yes, my blog is read all over the country, so I can use that term!!!), has just conjured up an even brighter spotlight for herself.

The New York Yankees announced today that they have hired Volcanica to assist troubled third baseman Alex Rodriguez in his rehab.  The Witch from Red Sox Nation will not be helping the former All-Star recover from his injury, however.

“I’ve asked Volcanica to whip up a spell to help Alex stop making such stupid and annoying comments anytime someone sticks a microphone in his face,” Yankees GM Brian Cashman explained to this Modern Philosopher, who must come clean and admit he is a diehard Yankees fan.  “Since he hasn’t been able to correct this problem on his own, or by working with our PR people, we thought we’d introduce a little Magic to his rehab and see if that produced the desired results.”

For those of you who might not follow baseball or the plight of the player many thought would once break the home run record (which I still say is held by Hank Aaron, not by the guy with the giant head), ARod recently upset his boss with comments he made to the press.  Cashman replied like a man who enjoyed salty language.

The Yankees decided this sort of nonsense wasn’t good for their image, which eventually led to Maine’s newest celebrity Witch being added to the payroll of baseball’s greatest team.

How does Volcanica Ivy plan to help ARod, a man who has clearly never met a microphone he doesn’t like, and does not appear to know how to filter the thoughts that rattle around in his head?

“I’ve created something I like to call the Cleeshaemorticus Spell,” Volcanica explained to me as we hovered in the sky above The House on the Hill…she on her broom and I on the back of Gary the Gargoyle.  “Now, whenever Alex sees a microphone, a little bit of Maine Magic is going to tingle his brain and only allow him to speak in tired, yet harmless sports cliches.  I got the idea from watching Bull Durham the other night.”

So the Magic of Crash Davis’ teachings will hopefully help the baseball god who crashed off his pedestal.  But is it too late for ARod, who has become more of a punching bag than a man whose bat packs any punch?

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Volcanica teased as she flashed her bewitching smile.  “I can tell you that Alex is a very fast learner.  As you can see from this photo (the one I’ve posted to the left), I taught him a simple levitation spell today, and he’s already mastered it.  I think before long, he will learn how to think before he speaks, but until that point, we have Magic to keep him from causing any more problems.”

Does Volcanica have a spell that can make ARod the player he was five years ago?  Better yet, how about a bit of Magic that can wipe away the hundreds of millions of dollars the Yankees still owe a player who clearly has his best years behind him?

I put the charming Witch in the Hot Corner with my questions, and she sidestepped them like a seasoned professional.  “Only time will tell, Austin.  I can tell you, though, that Magic is only so powerful.”

On that note, we said our goodbyes, and Volcanica zipped off towards Tampa to check on her struggling client who has somehow lost the Magic in his bat.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Can Magic help ARod at this point?  Should the Yankees have hired a Witch to bring his bat back to life rather than worrying about what comes out of his mouth?  What sort of Otherworldly Being do you think the Red Sox will hire to counter this move by their bitter rivals?