Cousin Ed is Dead in the Egg Nog

Christmas tree with presents and fireplace with stockingsI wrote a Christmas song once for a class at NYU, and for some reason, that monstrosity popped into my head today (maybe it was the cold medicine I’ve been taking!).  Thought it was exactly the kind of thing to share on my blog.

Creative Writing was a required class my freshman year, and one of the assignments was to review an album.  Wanting to really impress the teacher (I did want to grow up to be a writer after all!), I wrote a bunch of short songs, recorded them in the hallway of my dorm with my roommate who was a guitar player, and then reviewed the finished product for class.  For some reason, I chose to call the band White Aardvark and name the “album” It’s Time to Eat the Monkey.

Not only did I get an A+ on the paper, but the teacher also asked if he could keep the cassette.  The Christmas song on White Aardvark’s one (and thankfully) only album was called “Cousin Ed is Dead in the Egg Nog”.  It went a little like this…

White Christmas, there’s snow on the ground/Christmas cheer, family’s gathered around/ There’s a sudden silence, and then Grandma shrieks/ We put down out presents and everyone freaks/ Cousin Ed is dead in the egg nog/Cousin Ed is dead in the egg nog/ Cousin Ed is dead in the egg nog/ Pardon me, I’ll just have some Coke.

What a downer, f$@% the Christmas cheer/ Throw out the egg nog, break out the beer/ Don’t stare at the body, just dump it out back/ Take down the garland, get dressed in black/ Cousin Ed is dead in the egg nog…

And to think that a teenager with such a twisted mind would go on to write a romantic comedy like “The Retirement Party”.  Thankfully, I found a new voice and writing style.

So what do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Was I wrong to ditch my music career for screenwriting?  Should White Aardvark release a new album?  Would Cousin Ed’s tale have become a Christmas classic?

Christmas SnowLike I said, I’m not sure why the song popped into my head after all these years, but sometimes it’s fun to travel back to freshman year, Stern Hall, NYU.  Those were the days.  I had no idea what the future had in store for me, but I was so cocky and just knew I had to prove I was the best writer in that class.

Happy Holidays!  May all your writing dreams come true…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to Cousin Ed is Dead in the Egg Nog

  1. ha ha ha very funny. Good work.

  2. I’m all for a White Aardvark reunion.

  3. I’ve been sorting through some of my former students’ writing (and almost wrote about that process, one project in particular). It’s been fun thinking about who they were and who they might have become. I wonder if any of them have gone on to write romantic comedy. I’m sure you’re professors are proud.

  4. I would love 18 year old Austin, if not only for quirky songs and laughter. Maybe White Aardvark can reunite and cut a soundtrack for your next movie…maybe.

  5. gatesitter says:

    Hahaaha,,,so funny. Nice twist on family gatherings

  6. fitzythird says:

    Hi, wanted to thank you for your like….and also please put the band back together….the song is timeless for the holidays….looking forward to following your site….

  7. fitzythird says:

    Just noticed you reside in Maine. Have a novel in the works that takes place in Popham Beach, ME….Hoping to complete it 2013…..we’ll see….

  8. These days the second verse would fit right in! I wonder what the teacher did with it…any way of finding out? For more memories…see the poem OLD SOLDIERS… at By The Mighty Mumford!

  9. An emo Christmas song (I’m assuming upbeat pop-punk music?)…what, no Youtube post? And…if I may speak in bold ignorance, I’ve always subscribed to Maude’s philosophy…if you want to sing out, sing out…

  10. melfamy says:

    It sounds as if you had at least one good teacher

  11. Ah, the good, ol’ cassette tape. We are ancient, you know that? I went to the American History museum in DC this year and they have this mock 1950s living room set up, complete with a record player and vinyl records. This kid, who had to be about 13 or so, asked his mom, “What are those big, black, round things?” She told him they were the old-fashioned way people used to play music. He thought about this for a moment and then replied, “I thought CDs were the old fashioned way to play music.” GAH!!!! I’m old. Thanks for reminding me. 😛

  12. thesidekick says:

    This has all the makings of a number 1 hit. Send it to Beiber. He’d sign you in a second!

  13. Pingback: The Ghost of Christmas Past Confirms That I Had a Crappy Childhood! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  14. reocochran says:

    I think this is hilarious! I think you are wacky and creative. But maybe stick to the writing and all you do with filming, etc. But maybe someday you will be writing the cover song for Weird Al or maybe Adam Sandler will attempt to croon your song or….? Happy Holidays to you and your gal!

  15. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    From the Archives, here’s the Christmas Carol I wrote for a class back at NYU. Merry Christmas!

  16. Ned's Blog says:

    Okay, so I made up some dance steps to go with the song. It goes like this… and then you step this way.. swing like that.. and then throw your head back like your drinking egg nog. Ta-DA! What do you think? By the way, I’m glad you went with the screenwriting thing…

  17. Wow. No, the band should remain stuffed inside someone’s box. That’s a little disturbing. I too am glad that you changed your writing style.

  18. Pamela Edwards says:

    You are quite amusing Austin !

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