There Are No Cats In Hell

cats, pets, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“I see you have taken another step towards officially becoming a Crazy Cat Man,” The Devil quipped as he leaned against the doorway the led into my living room.

As always, he was well dressed in an impeccably tailored suit, which he preferred to keep free of cat hair.

That was going to be a challenge today.

“Yes, my descent into madness and the lonely single life is almost complete,” I played along as I took a sip of my Snapple.

“I applaud you for adopting your new kitties,” Lucifer said sincerely as he strode across the living room on his long legs.  “It sounds like they really needed a happy change after such a traumatic experience.”

“There was no way I could turn them away after I heard their story,” I confessed as I handed my guest a fresh Snapple from the cooler. “Their owner died unexpectedly and they needed a home.  The House on the Hill has been too quiet since Luna passed away last summer, so it just seemed like kismet.”

cats, pets, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“They are quite adorable,” The Prince of Darkness admitted.  “I’m tempted to pick them up and snuggle, but this suit does not look good covered in cat hair.  Plus, I’m a little scared of the darker one.  She keeps growling at me.”

“Cats excel at sensing evil,” I chuckled.

“I’ve always wanted a cat, but I have a very strict No Cat policy in Hell,” Satan explained.  “And for good reason.  The Damned are supposed to suffer for all eternity.  How does one suffer when cute kitties are scampering around?”

“Excellent point,” I conceded.  “Of course, it might be the ultimate torture to have cats available, but not allow your guests to spend time with them…”

The Devil took a long sip of his Snapple as he considered my idea.

“I do like the way you think,” he complimented.  “However, I’m not keen on the idea of having to change all those litter boxes.”

“Plus, having kitties in Hell would give a whole new meaning to the term ‘cats in heat’.  And don’t give me a dirty look.  You know it had to be said,” I informed him.

cats, pets, short story, humor, Modern Philosopher“Cleo and Cassie, love the names by the way, are lucky to have a new home,” Lucifer stated as he rolled his eyes at my comment.  “Cali is going to enjoy having company around the house again while you’re at work.  Just spare the kitties your brilliant wit.  They’ve already suffered enough.”

I couldn’t disagree with his logic.  I was very lucky to have Cleo and Cassie come into my life, and now life at The House on the Hill is a little like Heaven.  Even with The Prince of Darkness hanging around and drinking all my Snapple…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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8 Responses to There Are No Cats In Hell

  1. The Hook says:

    You haven’t lost your edge or sense of continuity, buddy.
    Well done.

  2. Nice, you always post enjoyable stuff.

  3. Another reason he won’t let cats in Hell: cats like warm places. The damned things (meant literally, not as a expletive) would roll on their backs in the oddest places, paws in the air, just the ends of their tails moving a little, purring the whole time.

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