No Classified Documents Found In Blog Archives

I’ve never been much of a follower, Modern Philosophers, but since all the cool kids seem to be doing the Take Home Classified Documents Challenge, I wanted to be absolutely positive that I hadn’t caved to peer pressure.

Since this blog was recently classified as a National Treasure, I decided it was in the best interest of the country to make sure there were no classified documents in the blog archives.

After all, the blog interns weren’t exactly the best record keepers, and their filing system appears to be a cross between “utter chaos” and “toss that wherever you can find space”.

So I put in a call to the FBI and asked them to do a thorough search of The House on the Hill.

classified documents, FBI, Modern PhilosopherI am thrilled to announce that no classified documents were found after a six hour search.

There were some concerns, however.  The agent who led the search was curious as to why I had dozens of menus from the same Chinese restaurant.  I suppose his naturally suspicious mind wondered if I was targeting the place for some reason.

I calmed his nerves by explaining that it’s the closest I’ve found to New York Chinese food since moving to Maine, and I never wanted to have to scrounge around for a menu should I get a sudden urge for some General Tso’s Chicken.  Their lunch specials are delicious, cheap, and they are incredibly generous with the portions.  Plus, they throw in an egg roll and fried rice.

The agent understood and asked if he could take a menu since he’d been having difficulty finding passable Chinese since his transfer to Maine.  I gave him six.  You can never have too many.

His other issue was with all the recipes he found stuffed into the kitchen drawers.  They were for a wide range of meals, but were all yellowed and were brittle to the touch.  As if they had been cut out, put in the drawers, and long forgotten.

I confessed that I’ve never tried any of the recipes, but refused to throw them out should I ever get the desire to try something new.

FBI agents are excellent at reading people, and I could tell he knew I was never going to use those recipes.  Just to be difficult, I took one of the recipes and vowed I would make it this week.

Once the FBI left, I put the recipe back in the drawer.  There’s no way I’m ever going to make it.

politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherWhile I was relieved to know that I wasn’t in possession of any classified documents, I got to wondering why so many such documents were popping up in the homes of politicians lately.

Something tells me there are a lot more top secret files floating around outside of government offices, but no one has been stupid enough to be caught with them.  Or made such a big deal out of it once they were caught with the items.

I’ve also noticed that having classified documents is either a horrible offense or nothing major.  Apparently, it all depends on the political affiliation of the person begin asked about the crime and the political affiliation of the person found to have the documents.

Weird how that works.

Maybe we’re just so starved for the latest scandal that we’re looking for anything to fuel the next news cycle.  Is it just me, or does politics seem like a whole new, dirty, disgusting, embarrassing ballgame over the past decade or so?

All I know is that The House on the Hill is clear.

I think I’m going to celebrate by ordering Chinese.  Anyone else want in on my order?

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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8 Responses to No Classified Documents Found In Blog Archives

  1. humbirdheart8 says:

    Ah, my dear Austin, Shrimp Fried Rice for me, if you please…

    And really, paper files in boxes under the sofa. Has nobody ever heard of a scanner and thumb drive? We’re just short of a full quarter into the 21st Century. Catch up!

    Also, of course there are more Top Secret Documents out there. Do you really think this is the first sitting government to lie, cheat, or steal for their own gain? Where have you been?

    But, don’t ask questions you don’t really want answers to… Unless you’re going to write about it, in which case, I’ll proof it for you.

    Take care of yourself.

    Best regards,

  2. beth says:

    but, are you sure?)

  3. Pingback: Breaking down – A Silly Place

  4. markbialczak says:

    I’m still suffering from a Chinese takeout dilemma here since my go-to place changed their frying oil and other essential ingredients post-virus, Austin. Can’t find that one place that lights up my born-and-raised downstate tastebuds. Don’t like the inside of the won-tons. Icky frying oil. Bland broth. Soggy vegetables. Non-descript General Tso’s sauce. Woe is me.

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