“The Sixth Sense” Kid Finally Admits He Can’t See Dead People!

One of the great myths of the 20th century has finally been proven to be an elaborate hoax, Modern Philosophers!

Remember that kid from “The Sixth Sense” who claimed he could see dead people?  Fifteen years later, Haley Joel Osment is finally singing a different tune.

And this one sounds a heck of a lot like the truth.

“I’ve come here today to set the record straight,” A repentant Osment explained to the gathered media.  “In 1999, I told the world that I could see dead people.  I said it again and again until that tale had generated over $670M in worldwide grosses and six Academy Award Nominations, including one for myself.”

He took a dramatic pause and then stared apologetically at the crowd.  “It was all a lie.  I could never see dead people.  I don’t even go to funerals because the thought of seeing a corpse freaks me out so much.  I’m sorry that I misled everyone, and the only thing I can say in my defense is that I was a child, they offered me fame and fortune, and I wanted Bruce Willis to think I was cool.”

Speaking of Willis, Osment’s costar in the flick released the following statement: “Come on.  Did you really believe the kid could see dead people?  That’s a little wild, don’t you think? I suppose you all think I really fought off a bunch of terrorists at Nakatomi Plaza during an office Christmas party.  Well, I’m not saying I did, but I’m not saying I didn’t, either!”

Word of Osment’s confession quickly spread via social media.  People not too busy playing Farmville offered a few comments on Facebook such as “Dude!  Is anything from my childhood true???” and “WTF is The 6th Cents?“.

On Twitter, where people think themselves to be far more witty.  Comments varied from things like: “When is Hollyweird going 2 realize that we r 2 smart for them? #ISeeADeadMedium” to “You had me going, kid. Next thing you’ll tell me is that Bruce Willis is still alive! #DieYouHardOn”

I tried to get a comment from M. Night Shyamalan, the film’s writer and director (and a fellow NYU Film alum), but no one has seen or heard from him in over five years.  Instead, I spoke with Tobias Woodbury, one of the Ghosts who lives in the attic of The House on the Hill.

“I am glad the young man has finally told the truth, Austin,” Tobias said with a smile.  “As you know, it is a gift to be able to see the dead, and we are deeply offended by those who lie about having that ability.  I can assure you that such people are punished for their trampling of the truth.  It is never a good thing to upset the dead…”

I got chills down my spine listening to Tobias speak.  I certainly agreed with what he had to say, though.  I consider it a great gift that I can share my home with an entire family of Ghosts, and I feel bad for those who cannot see and communicate with the dead.

I hope young Mr. Osment can find some peace now that he has told the truth.  From what Tobias tells me, the young man should at least be able to sleep better now.

“I know he has been haunted by spirits ever since the movie was released,” Tobias shared.  “He might not have been able to see dead people, but he certainly heard and sensed them every night of his life for the past fifteen years.  I hope he enjoys his first peaceful night of sleep in ages tonight.”

What about you, Modern Philosophers?  Have you ever kept up a lie just to seem cool, or to try to win an Oscar, or to impress Bruce Willis?  Can you see dead people?  Are you really sure about that answer???

Happy Academy Awards Weekend!

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