Heat Miser Reasserts His Family’s Dominance Over Poor Mainers

Just when you thought it was safe to go outside, Modern Philosophers…

After months of suffering from Snow Miser’s relentless Winter War on Maine, Mainers are now dealing with an assault from his brother Heat Miser.  Temperatures have been sweltering over the past three days, with a high of 85 degrees today.

While 85 might not seem so bad to some, you must understand that the average daily temperature in Maine is 35.

The driving force behind this sweaty, disgusting weather was kind enough to leave a multitude of taunting messages on the voice mail at The House on the Hill.  Here are some of the few messages I can actually share on this family friendly blog…

“Screw you, Austin, and all your Maine friends.  You thing my brother is a terror?  Well, you’ll be begging for him to come back after a Summer of me!”

“You know how they say redheads are crazy?  I’m going to prove that crazy isn’t a strong enough word!!!”

“The good news is you won’t have to get up early anymore to go running, Fat Boy.  The bad news is that I’m going to melt that fat off you with an unrelenting heat wave that will melt your …” (I’m going to stop that one right there)

It’s no secret that Snow Miser and I have been at war ever since I stole his girlfriend back in college, but I’ve never had a beef with Heat Miser.  So why all the hate?  I asked someone who would know best…

“My sons are very competitive, Austin,” Mother Nature explained with a smile.  “Little Heaty isn’t going to let Snowy get all the attention.  He needs to prove to his brother that he’s just as big and bad and scary.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with those two.”

I’d know what I’d like to do with them, ma’am!  That family almost makes mine look normal.  What a bunch.

While the weather report appears to give Mainers some hope, with temperatures cooling off slightly over the next week, I don’t have much faith in meteorologists.  That’s because I know who controls the weather in Maine right now, and that individual left the most vile and disgusting messages on my phone today.

I’ll take that to mean that some very troubling weather is on the horizon.  I’m going to stock up on deodorant, ice, and ice cream, and then move my living quarters down to the basement bunker, where things are much cooler.

As I have been writing this post, I’ve been singing the Heat Miser Song, but the words have been slightly altered to fit my mood.  Here’s a sample…

He’s Mr. Heat Miser, he’s Mr. Sweat.  He makes me hate Summer, I’m gonna get him yet.  Start running, Heat Miser.  I’ll give you ’til ten.  I won’t warn you again.  I’m too damn pissed, so just get out of here!!!

Okay, that last line needs a little bit of work, but it perfectly sums up how I’m feeling right now.

Time to retire to the basement bunker, Modern Philosophers.  Keep cool!