Shark Attack In Maine Bar Jeopardizes Summer Tourism

The Maine Tourism Board is operating at Code Red status today after reports of a shark attack  in a local bar has left the rest of this Summer’s Tourism business in series jeopardy.

Linda and Allen Shapero of Richmond, VA were enjoying a drink in a quaint Bar Harbor establishment when the attack took place.

“We were just sitting at our table, minding our own business after an amazing day in Bar Harbor, when the shark came over and shoved my husband in the shoulder,” Linda explained as she dabbed at the tears in her eyes.  “Allen is not a violent man, and he did nothing to instigate the shark’s attack.”

Eye witnesses agree with Linda’s version of events.  Apparently, two Great White Sharks had been sitting at the bar most of the afternoon, drinking Rum and Cokes, and watching the Red Sox game.

“We’ve come to Maine every Summer for the past eight years,” Allen picked up the story and pointed at his black eye and bandaged nose.  “Never before had we had anything other than the most wonderful time.  We’d never seen a shark, let alone been attacked by one.”

Multiple witness accounts reveal that Allen tried to ignore the shark, but that only made the Great White more belligerent.  The shark then accused the man of giving him dirty looks all afternoon (which would’ve been impossible since Allen’s back was to the bar where the sharks were seated), and when Allen asked the shark to leave, the beast sucker punched him.

“I screamed when the first punch landed,” Linda told me through the tears.  “I could hear his nose break.  And then the shark kept coming, he never stopped moving, he just wailed away on my poor husband.”

It took several patrons and members of the bar’s staff to wrestle the shark off of his victim.  Police, as well as Maine Wildlife and Fisheries Agents, were called to the scene.  The bar has seen been closed and will remain so until authorities are convinced there will be no more shark attacks.

“All I wanted was another quiet, relaxing, and magical vacation in Maine,” Allen lamented as he touched his bruised jaw.  “This certainly was not what we expected.

The Maine Tourism Board is working with state and local authorities to makes sure this shark attack was an isolated incident.  This Modern Philosopher has been assured that the bar will be re-opened tomorrow and it will be made clear that Maine does not have a shark problem.

“I assure you, all is well,” Captain Quint of the Bar Harbor Police Dept gave me his word.

Let’s hope he’s right.  Maine needs its Summer Tourists, and those Tourists need Maine!