Maine Trolls Protest Excessive Bridge Construction

BridgeMaine’s Troll population is not pleased with what they are calling an “excessive amount” of bridge work being done by the Department of Transportation this Winter.

Trolls braved the rain today to march outside of Governor LePage’s residence, but the surly Governor, who is often mistaken for a Troll, did not acknowledge the protestors.

This Modern Philosopher could not get a comment from the Governor’s office, so I am going to have to allow the Trolls to have their say.

“We live under those bridges, so all the construction is quite disruptive,” explained Troll #1, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear of reprisal by Governor LePage.  “I understand that the bridges need to be functional and safe, but no Troll is going to let a human pass over a bridge that is unsafe.”

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY“The Governor seems to have forgotten that Trolls take bridge safety quite seriously,” Troll #2 continued.  “We inspect our bridges every day, and if we find any engineering flaws, we call it in to the DOT immediately and block the bridges so none shall pass.”

Every Troll that I interviewed for this article told me the same thing, Modern Philosophers.  Bridge safety is not only their number one priority, but it’s also the Trolls’ reason for existence.

“Do you think we live under bridges because we wouldn’t rather sleep on a comfortable bed inside of a warm house?” Troll #3 asked with a laugh.  “This is our calling.  Trolls were put on this Earth to make sure that bridges are structurally sound.  We are the high tech engineers of the Otherworldly Being community.”

Maine Department of Transportation spokesperson Thad LaRue saw things differently.  “I know what the Trolls think, and what they like to tell everyone, but the fact is that it is the DOT’s responsibility to determine if Maine’s bridges are in working order.  It’s cute that the Trolls like to come out and pose for photos with the tourists, but they’re not the ones who sign off on their safety or decide when construction is needed.”

DOTMr. LaRue did not envision a future in which the Department of Transportation turned over Maine’s bridges to the state’s Troll population.

“I think it’s wonderful the advances Otherworldly Beings have made in our society,” LaRue said sincerely.  “However, humans built these bridges, and humans are going to keep up the maintenance of these bridges.”

“Tell LaRue that the whole reason the bridges are constantly being repaired is because they were built by humans,” Troll #1 retorted as his friends cheered.  “If trolls had built them, they would last an eternity.”

The next time you drive over a bridge in Maine, think about pulling over once you’ve reached the other side, and take a moment to thank the Troll that lives under it.  He does more to keep you safe than you realize…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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23 Responses to Maine Trolls Protest Excessive Bridge Construction

  1. Louise says:

    welcome back Austin.. thought you had been kidnapped by Doc Brown or the like.

  2. Joseph Nebus says:

    Is the real problem not enough new bridges being put up?

    • Austin says:

      Perhaps. And if the trolls build these new bridges, they will last forever! And I’m sure they’d have a nice living space underneath as part of the design. 🙂

  3. Rule of nature: trolls must bow to infrastructure improvements.

  4. I hear the Maine trolls are getting lazy though. Instead of riddles of their own construction, they’ve been using Trivial Pursuit cards.

  5. I suspect your governor actually IS part Troll, and he ignored other trolls to avoid being associated with trolls in the minds of the voters. Humans have a strong pro-human bias, and trolls aren’t allowed to vote!

  6. Louise says:

    we could do with some of those Norwegian style bridges, in Australia. just to get around the traffic snarls every day. But with out the humungous cost of building them. I agree i think your governor is part troll. why else would they do it??

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