“Users will have 48 hours to post as many baby photos as they want to just get it out of their system before the ban goes into effect,” a Facebook spokesperson told this Modern Philosopher shortly after the news broke on Facebook news feeds all over the world.
Once the ban goes into effect, the social media giant reserves the right to remove any photos that violate the controversial new rule.
In addition, any user who insists on using a photo or his or her child as a profile pic will be barred from Facebook for life.
“Hallelujah! It’s about damn time!” declared one single woman, who was tired of looking at all the baby photos her married friends and relatives used to litter her news feed.
“There were so many baby pics on my new feed that I was beginning to think I had logged on to some pedophile site,” offered one highly suspicious gentleman, who this Modern Philosopher thinks doth protest too much.
“Dude, it’s all over Snapchat and Instagram that Lex Luthor didn’t create Facebook,” some punk on a skateboard yelled at me over his shoulder. “It was just some loser guy who couldn’t make any friends.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Lex Luthor wasn’t real, either. I did laugh, however, when the kid fell off his skateboard while texting.
With its domination over social media steadily declining, Facebook decided it was time to win back its most faithful users…the awkward loners who don’t go out and made actual friends, but rather, collect them on the internet.
“Our research made it clear that we were losing our dedicated base of stay at home oddballs because they had become frustrated by relatives and acquaintances constantly rubbing their successful, loving, baby producing relationships in their faces,” a Facebook PR type, who name I don’t care to remember, told me smugly.
Since the cool kids had moved on to new and much more exciting social media platforms, Facebook decided that it needed to do something to placate and hold on to their lovable losers. And it had to be something bold and brash.
“Please don’t use my name,” begged Brett Larson at Facebook headquarters, “but most of us at Facebook are sick of all the baby photos. This was supposed to be a hip, fun, exciting place for nerds to finally get to hang out with hot girls, and it’s being ruined by a bunch of happy couples showing off the second coolest part of having sex.”
While this explanation for the baby photo ban seems plausible, rumor has it that the real driving force behind it was the recent birth of Facebook Emperor Mark Zuckerberg’s first child.
“Please spare us eighteen years of Mark’s constantly posting photos of the kid,” Larson grumbled. “It’s bad enough that he forces every employee to friend him on the site, but now we’ve got to pretend that we think our future boss is totes adorbs, too? Ugh!”
Of course, as with every change on Facebook, not everyone is pleased. The annoying people who constantly post photos of their children are pissed, and plan to complain about it constantly on their news feeds. Pedophiles are majorly bummed and really wish they could speak up to protest. Perhaps the largest dissenters of all, however, are the babies, who will miss all the attention.