President Elect Donald Trump’s inauguration is not until Friday, Modern Philosophers, but he is already sending thank you gifts to those who helped him win the election.
And the billionaire, who really knows how to spend, is not skimping on the presents.
Today, Trump surprised one of his most ardent supporters, Russian President Vladimir Putin, with the gift of Alaska.
“Putin gets a bad rap because the Democrats wanted us to see him as the enemy,” Trump explained as he signed away the forty-ninth state in yet another horrible real estate deal. “I know better. The man is a friend, an ally, and a lover of all things American.”
Is that why you thought you should give him his own chunk of America?
“Alaska used to be part of Russia, so we’re merely giving a very cold, very far away place back to its rightful owner,” Trump continued. “I’m hoping that this very generous gesture of good will is going to kick off eight years of great relations between our nations.”
Oh, so you’re already counting on getting re-elected? Guess it makes sense to give the hackers a fun place to hang out until the next election…
When asked what will happen to the current residents of Alaska, President Elect Trump explained that everyone in Alaska will have dual Russian and American citizenship for the next year. By the end of the year, however, anyone not wanting to be a Russian citizen needs to move to one of the other forty-nine states.
Forty-nine if Trump hasn’t given away any others by then…
According to Trump, residents of Alaska will be referred to as “Russicans”, and will be expected to pay taxes to both governments.
Sounds harsh, but they will get all the Russian holidays, too…
“Of course, I didn’t just give Russia to President Putin to thank him for his help and support,” Trump bragged to the stunned press corps. “I also did it to create jobs.”
Do you mean for moving companies, realtors, and immigration lawyers?
“Since we will only have forty-nine states, we will need millions of new American flags,” he further explained. “Where do you think the factories will be that will make all those flags? In America, of course. I arranged the deal. I made sure the company set up shop in America. I can personally guarantee that every worker in those factories will be American because Trump Flags will not hire anyone who is not an American citizen!”
Whoa! Did you say Trump Flags? You own the company that sounds like it has an exclusive deal to make American flags?
“Don’t worry,” Trump reassured everyone. “There’s no conflict of interest. My sons will run Trump Flags. I’ll be too busy being President, exacting revenge on my enemies, and tweeting to be involved in the business.”
Why does that sound like one of the least reassuring statements I’ve ever heard?
The people of Alaska were unavailable for comment. Apparently, due to a problem with the state’s electrical grid, there is a massive blackout, no access to the internet, and no way to communicate with anyone in Alaska.
“The Russians are closer, so they’re going to deal with the problem,” Trump added. “Putin himself assured me that he is sending in his best electricians, who all happen to be members of the Russian military, to restore the power and bring order to that giant icy black hole that is no longer America’s problem.”
When asked via Skype to comment about President Elect Trump’s thank you gift of Alaska, President Putin replied, “It’s a start”.
Then he laughed maniacally, which became really creepy when he ripped off his shirt and began circling states on a giant map of America pinned to his office wall.
The people of Alaska, now known as Russicans, will be in my prayers tonight. If you folks are looking for a place just as cold and beautiful as Alaska, Maine has plenty of room!
Follow me on Pinterest and you will have my sincere thanks. Unfortunately, I will not be able to send you a state of your own as a thank you gift…
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
“Why does that sound like one of the least reassuring statements I’ve ever heard?”
Hahahaha
The voices in my head had a running commentary in italics during the post. 🙂
Oh my effin’ Gawd, this is SO funny and smart. Good work.
Glad you liked it. Feel free to share. 🙂
Yes, I may post it on my Facebook page. Fuck, that is so pithy and humorous. I, in contrast, write very solemn tomes of psychoanalytic wisdom for the betterment of the world. Which, though important, doesn’t quite seem to touch the funny bone.
Hey, we write what we know. 🙂
True. Everyone has something to contribute from their own unique set of predispositions and talents. Like Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, etc.
Trump does silly things, and I write about them. Easy stuff. 🙂
but Alaska does belong to Russia so giving it back to Russia seems to be logical and most importat legal thing to do , it was given to USA for 150 years only as collateral for 6 million dollars , money pay back by Russia to USA many time over but the collateral of Allaska has not been returned as of yet
I’m pretty sure we paid Russia $7.2M for Alaska. That’s what the interns told me when I had them research this post…
and russia did payed it back with gold short after, so Alaska have had to be returned back to Russia, but it was postponed for a later date then for another later date and then soviet rovolution happened in Russia and they were to busy to ask it back, then first world war, and civil war in Russia , then second world war, then cold war, then soviet russia collapse, but modern Russia as legal inheretor of soviet russia and tsar russia has all the legal rights to clam it back. it is long over due , and this time around russia will legal ask for a cut of profit from all exploration of natural resources done in the past 250 year or so … it sound like very long legal battle over Alaska and profit sharing payments …
Oh no not alaska. Wat about all those cruise liners where will they go…its too beautiful to turn over to putin..he’ll turn it into another siberia…will the guys on ice road truckers b out of jobs too???
I’m not sure if the President Elect really thought this one out. I get this sense Trump acts very impulsively. 🙂
Keep Alaska. Give them California.
When has Trump ever done what the people want? 🙂
“The people of Alaska were unavailable for comment. Apparently, due to a problem with the state’s electrical grid, there is a massive blackout, no access to the internet, and no way to communicate with anyone in Alaska.”
Well that’s weird, since my Facebook wall is chock full of activity from many of my Alaskan friends. So they still seem to have internet and electricity at least in Barrow, Anchorage, Fairbanks, and Juneau.
On the plus side, it appears I saved myself some money by not renewing my Alaska CPA license!
Hahahaaaaa! This is a riot!! Nothing is impossible anymore. I heard they probably would adopt a new recently discovered species as a mascot known as Neopalpa donaldtrumpi for thexample Russicans.
Ha!
Why does your satire always sound so eerily real? It creeps me out. Or is it that I wouldn’t put anything past our new leader?
I think that’s a compliment, so thank you. 🙂
Actually, I was going to add just that to my comment: “This is a compliment.” You’re welcome.
I knew it was a compliment. Just giving you a hard time. 😉
Reblogged this on saywhatumean2say and commented:
TRUMP Flags but no conflict of interest? ~~dru~~
I’m from Alaska, and so I had to post
this to Facebook. All my friends went wild! Loved it ❤
Thank you so much for sharing. Glad you liked it! 🙂
HAHA I love this. Poor Alaska. You’re very funny bro.
Glad you liked it. 🙂
This is even more appropriate now (!) Did you see that Putin was touring Alaska a couple of days ago on the anniversary of selling it to us? Maybe he was measuring for drapes.
I’m sure he was… 🙂
Oh Austin… the places your mind wanders….! 😂
Apparently it’s been to Alaska. 🙂
Lol!!!
I think once Putin realizes the Palins come with Alaska, he will give it back.
Excellent point. I hear she can see Russia from her house!
This reeks of coverup: obviously Putin moved to reclaim Alaska on his own and Trump concocted the whole “gift” story to smooth things over.
On the plus side… has anyone heard from Sarah Palin lately?
I believe she has forgotten how to speak. 🙂
Giving Alaska back to Russia seems perfectly sensible to me. I’m surprised the Alaskans aren’t demanding it, or at least asking for a referendum for independence… or am I confusing them with another group of people in the frozen north.
We need 50 states, though. 49 is just too weird and literally odd. 🙂
You might want consider becoming a colony again, then the number of states would be irrelevant. In that case, though, I think we might want Alaska as well. We like our borders to be water.
I think I wrote a post after Brexit about England agreeing to become the 51st State. You should check it out..it was around the Fourth of July. 🙂
Not going to happen. Ever.
Ha ha! This made me laugh but is also feels eerily close to the mark. I did hope the past 12 months would turn out to be a massive April Fools joke but apparently, it’s not to be.
You should read last night’s post. It’s all about how this was all an April Fool’s Day joke. 🙂
I will do!
Brilliant! I have a strange feeling I’m going to be dreaming of a topless Putin shovelling snow tonight 😮
Keep your perverted fantasies to yourself. Children read this blog! 🙂
Haha! Sorry kids! It’s OK though, I had a totally different dream which was half Bedknobs and Broomsticks, half generic cop drama 😊
Haha, hysterical! I can just see him, emphasizing with his tiny hands the importance of this gift. *eye roll*
I’m glad you liked it and could picture the madness. 🙂