And the billionaire, who really knows how to spend, is not skimping on the presents.
Today, Trump surprised one of his most ardent supporters, Russian President Vladimir Putin, with the gift of Alaska.
“Putin gets a bad rap because the Democrats wanted us to see him as the enemy,” Trump explained as he signed away the forty-ninth state in yet another horrible real estate deal. “I know better. The man is a friend, an ally, and a lover of all things American.”
Is that why you thought you should give him his own chunk of America?
“Alaska used to be part of Russia, so we’re merely giving a very cold, very far away place back to its rightful owner,” Trump continued. “I’m hoping that this very generous gesture of good will is going to kick off eight years of great relations between our nations.”
Oh, so you’re already counting on getting re-elected? Guess it makes sense to give the hackers a fun place to hang out until the next election…
When asked what will happen to the current residents of Alaska, President Elect Trump explained that everyone in Alaska will have dual Russian and American citizenship for the next year. By the end of the year, however, anyone not wanting to be a Russian citizen needs to move to one of the other forty-nine states.
Forty-nine if Trump hasn’t given away any others by then…
According to Trump, residents of Alaska will be referred to as “Russicans”, and will be expected to pay taxes to both governments.
Sounds harsh, but they will get all the Russian holidays, too…
“Of course, I didn’t just give Russia to President Putin to thank him for his help and support,” Trump bragged to the stunned press corps. “I also did it to create jobs.”
Do you mean for moving companies, realtors, and immigration lawyers?
“Since we will only have forty-nine states, we will need millions of new American flags,” he further explained. “Where do you think the factories will be that will make all those flags? In America, of course. I arranged the deal. I made sure the company set up shop in America. I can personally guarantee that every worker in those factories will be American because Trump Flags will not hire anyone who is not an American citizen!”
“Don’t worry,” Trump reassured everyone. “There’s no conflict of interest. My sons will run Trump Flags. I’ll be too busy being President, exacting revenge on my enemies, and tweeting to be involved in the business.”
Why does that sound like one of the least reassuring statements I’ve ever heard?
The people of Alaska were unavailable for comment. Apparently, due to a problem with the state’s electrical grid, there is a massive blackout, no access to the internet, and no way to communicate with anyone in Alaska.
“The Russians are closer, so they’re going to deal with the problem,” Trump added. “Putin himself assured me that he is sending in his best electricians, who all happen to be members of the Russian military, to restore the power and bring order to that giant icy black hole that is no longer America’s problem.”
Then he laughed maniacally, which became really creepy when he ripped off his shirt and began circling states on a giant map of America pinned to his office wall.
The people of Alaska, now known as Russicans, will be in my prayers tonight. If you folks are looking for a place just as cold and beautiful as Alaska, Maine has plenty of room!
Follow me on Pinterest and you will have my sincere thanks. Unfortunately, I will not be able to send you a state of your own as a thank you gift…