Monsters Love Hawaiian Shirts


Every once in a while, Modern Philosophers, I think it helps to time travel back to my childhood so you better understand how a lonely, nerdy kid with an overactive imagination grew up to be me.

Today, we journey back to when I believed that Monsters loved Hawaiian shirts, and would never harm anyone who wore or owned one.

I’m not sure how I ever got this idea, but much like everything else during my childhood, once my brain got a hold of something, it hung on to it and never let go.

Maybe I saw a cartoon of a Monster in a Hawaiian shirt.  Perhaps I had a dream about it.  Most likely, however, is that the Monster Under My Bed crawled out one night and whispered it into my ear while I was asleep.

Because of this weird belief of Monsters’ fashion preferences, I always made sure there was at least one Hawaiian shirt in my closet.

It probably frustrated the hell out of my frugal stepmother that I insisted on having such an item in my wardrobe, but something tells me I had no trouble convincing my Dad of the need.  He had a very unique fashion sense (to put it politely) and I’m guessing that Hawaiian shirts were right up his alley.

I didn’t wear Hawaiian shirts often.  I got picked on, teased, and bullied enough, so I didn’t need to add “flamboyant casual wear” to the list of reasons why the other kids could make my life miserable.                                                    

monster1Just knowing the shirt was in my closet was all I needed to be sure that the Monsters would not come after me.  

After all, Brooklyn was a tough enough place as it was.  The last thing I needed was to add Monsters to the ever growing list of things that caused me anxiety.

Every once in a while I would wear a Hawaiian shirt in public, but that was more for the Monsters’ sake than my own.  I knew the Monster Under My Bed and the Monster In My Closet were aware of the fact that I was a fan of Hawaiian shirts, but I wasn’t sure if they had a way of communicating that to the other Monsters in the neighborhood.

Remember, this was before the days of the internet and smart phones.  For all I knew, Monsters only chatted at monthly meetings, or when they got together for holidays.

By wearing my bright, ugly Hawaiian shirts in public, I made sure word got out that I was “a friend of the Monsters”.

Even in my adult life, long after I outgrew my fear of Monsters, I’ve made sure to keep a Hawaiian shirt or two handy. monster6

There are actual occasions where such a shirt is necessary.  What office hasn’t had a Hawaiian Party or Ugly Shirt Contest?

And I might end up going to Hawaii someday, so I don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb.

Truth be told, even though I’ve outgrown Monsters, I’m the type of person who would much rather be safe than sorry.  I mean, I don’t think Monsters are real, but in case they are, what would it hurt to have the universal symbol of being a friend of Monsters handy?

Tell me some wild fantasy or crazy idea from your childhood that you absolutely believed to be true. 

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Monsters Love Hawaiian Shirts

  1. beth says:

    i thought the slices of moon in the sky were my sister’s fingernails that she bit off

  2. markbialczak says:

    I remain a fan of Hawaiian shirts always, Austin. In the newsroom there were enough followers of the fashion that often a newsie would proclaim Aloha Friday was on the horizon and the workplace became a colorful pastel on said day. Never did I consider them ugly!
    When I was a kid I believed the Jets would win the Super Bowl again. Guess what, I still believe that one against the odds.

  3. kristianw84 says:

    When people would talk about the man in the moon, I thought they were referring to Neil Armstrong and that he lived there permanently.

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