These are just a couple of famous Holiday Song lyrics pertaining to Snowmen, Modern Philosophers. Right now in Maine, those songs are pretty much the only way for us to access these gentle, playful creatures of winter. For some reason, the state’s entire Snowman population has vanished!
Anthropologists are worried. So much so, that they have gathered at the Orono campus of the University of Maine to study this bizarre phenomenon. Search parties have been formed, and teams have been combing the entire state looking for any sign of the big, round, carrot-nosed beings. Thus far, their efforts have turned up nothing.
“The Snowmen usually migrate to Maine in late November, and by Pearl Harbor Day, they have taken up residence all over the state,” explained Dr. Marlo Friese, who traveled to Maine from the University of Wisconsin to head up the team. “It is extremely unusual to not have a single pack of Snowmen anywhere in Maine at this point. This is a problem.”
This Modern Philosopher didn’t even need to call former Vice President Al Gore to ask for a comment. He just sent me the following email completely unsolicited: “Global warming. Told you so. Al”.
It is rather eerie to wander the streets of Brewer and Bangor and not run into a single Snowman. They are usually everywhere I turn this time of year. I’ll often stop and chat up a few during my morning run as they always yell encouragement to me as I pass. As you can see from the photo on the right, they are nowhere to be seen. I hope this isn’t at all connected to the piece I recently posted about Snowmen and childhood obesity (click here).
The Anthropologists don’t seem to have any answers, but they are upbeat (probably because they actually have something to do) and think that it’s only a matter of time before the herds return to the country’s northeast corner. I considered consulting weathermen for this piece, but then I remembered that they are just a bunch of charlatans who have no idea how to actually predict the weather, let alone Snowmen migration patterns.
I did encounter a group of students on the UMaine campus who swore that the Zombies were behind the mysterious disappearances. “Zombies love Snowmen,” explained one sophomore who did not want to give her name. “They’re like ice cream for Zombies and they still get the thrill of killing something.” I politely nodded at the poor teenagers, who clearly needed to study more and watch a little less TV, and then went back to interview more Anthropologists (who could probably stand to watch a little more TV and maybe read a fashion magazine or two…).
Right now, there simply aren’t any answers. Everything is a theory. We will just have to wait to see if the Snowmen return. In the meantime, carrots will have to be used for stew, loose buttons sewn back onto ugly sweaters, and old scarves used to warm human necks.
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Where have all the Snowmen gone? Have they just given up on Maine and found new homes? Has something sinister befallen the gentle giants? Did the Snowman Mayan calendar end earlier than ours?
I’d love to hear your theories. While I wait, I think I’m going to pop in my DVD of “Frosty the Snowman” and think about the good old days…