Fretting for Frosty: Anthropologists Search for Maine’s Missing Snowman Population

“In the melost_snowmanadow we can build a snowman…”  “Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul…”

These are just a couple of famous Holiday Song lyrics pertaining to Snowmen, Modern Philosophers.  Right now in Maine, those songs are pretty much the only way for us to access these gentle, playful creatures of winter.  For some reason, the state’s entire Snowman population has vanished!

Anthropologists are worried.  So much so, that they have gathered at the Orono campus of the University of Maine to study this bizarre phenomenon.   Search parties have been formed, and teams have been combing the entire state looking for any sign of the big, round, carrot-nosed beings.  Thus far, their efforts have turned up nothing.

“The Snowmen usually migrate to Maine in late November, and by Pearl Harbor Day, they have taken up residence all over the state,” explained Dr. Marlo Friese, who traveled to Maine from the University of Wisconsin to head up the team.  “It is extremely unusual to not have a single pack of Snowmen anywhere in Maine at this point.  This is a problem.”

This Modern Philosopher didn’t even need to call former Vice President Al Gore to ask for a comment.  He just sent me the following email completely unsolicited: “Global warming.  Told you so.  Al”.

It is rather eerie to wander the streets of Brewer and Bangor and not run into a single empty streetSnowman.  They are usually everywhere I turn this time of year.  I’ll often stop and chat up a few during my morning run as they always yell encouragement to me as I pass. As you can see from the photo on the right, they are nowhere to be seen.  I hope this isn’t at all connected to the piece I recently posted about Snowmen and childhood obesity (click here).

The Anthropologists don’t seem to have any answers, but they are upbeat (probably because they actually have something to do) and think that it’s only a matter of time before the herds return to the country’s northeast corner.  I considered consulting weathermen for this piece, but then I remembered that they are just a bunch of charlatans who have no idea how to actually predict the weather, let alone Snowmen migration patterns.

I did encounter a group of students on the UMaine campus who swore that the Zombies were behind the mysterious disappearances.  “Zombies love Snowmen,” explained one sophomore who did not want to give her name.  “They’re like ice cream for Zombies and they still get the thrill of killing something.”  I politely nodded at the poor teenagers, who clearly needed to study more and watch a little less TV, and then went back to interview more Anthropologists (who could probably stand to watch a little more TV and maybe read a fashion magazine or two…).

Right now, there simply aren’t any answers.  Everything is a theory.  We will just have to wait to see if the Snowmen return.  In the meantime, carrots will have to be used for stew, loose buttons sewn back onto ugly sweaters, and old scarves used to warm human necks.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Where have all the Snowmen gone?  Have they just given up on Maine and found new homes?  Has something sinister befallen the gentle giants?  Did the Snowman Mayan calendar end earlier than ours?

I’d love to hear your theories.  While I wait, I think I’m going to pop in my DVD of “Frosty the Snowman” and think about the good old days…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Fretting for Frosty: Anthropologists Search for Maine’s Missing Snowman Population

  1. Combat Babe says:

    The last time I saw snow was in New York City Christmas of 2005. I don’t even think it stuck to the ground. Before that it was sometime in Virginia before we moved to Florida and even then I don’t think it was ever enough to build a snowman. I loved living in Va Beach because some winters it wouldn’t snow at all so it was like a rare holiday treat. Talk about anticipation. As for snow in Maine, I have no idea how it works up there. Do y’all get lots of snow? Like waist high snow? Is it light? Is it dense? Are their any kids in Maine to build the snowmen? Maybe snowmen have died out. Maybe they’re turning extinct. Maybe instead of rallying up a search team, a production team should be arranged. Just my guess.

    • It snows in Maine about 10 months of the year. Blizzards, light snow, dustings. It comes and never leaves. I have amazing back, shoulder, and leg muscles from shoveling snow non-stop for the past 10 years…

      • Combat Babe says:

        Well now I know who to live near if I ever find myself in Maine. I’m acclimated to warm weather. I think my body would be in constant pain for a while if I lived up there. 10 months? Sheesh. They talk about no seasonal change down here in FL, Maine sounds just as bad.

      • I used to live in LA and hated that lack of seasonal change. At least in Maine you get snow, snowier, and snowiest. There’s change, you know? I’m not saying I’ll just shovel for you, but you could at least ask…

      • Combat Babe says:

        Well hear you get hot hot heat with random bouts of “chilly” days during winter. As long as it’s not April-November, you get some breezy days. And if you’re not in Orlando which feels a lot like hell one would think.

        Yes, I would live near you if I became uprooted to Maine for some bizarre reason that will most likely never happen and politely ask you to shovel for me every day for at least 10 months of the year. Just think how much more strength you could gain. The Hulk will have nothing on you.

      • It might not actually snow 10 months a year. Just seems like it. Hence, the panic over a lack of snowmen. I’m fine with no snow, but Anthropologists apparently are not… 😀

  2. Combat Babe says:

    there* 😀

  3. gatesitter says:

    Will be sending Hopeful Thoughts that the snowmen (or should we say snowpersons, maybe they’re hiding in protest) will soon be found. In Az. we make “snowmen” from tumble weeds, the kind you see rolling down empty streets in old western movies. This might be a good alternative if they aren’t found. 🙂

  4. They’re not here in Newfoundland Labrador either. Rumour has it that they’re all hiding somewhere around Goose Bay. 5 wing has dispatcheda Herc to check it out. The early reports are not hopeul. NORAD, which has kept a good eye on the North Pole so it can ensure that Santa does not get mixed up with enemy aircraft, has reported that, with the Arctic ice as thin a it is, the entire Santa Village may need to be moved to Antarctica. The word is that the elves are looking for relocation pay and neither the Fedal or territorial guovernments are willing to accept responsibility. Global warmling may just put an end ro Christmas, if not this year, then certainly next.

    That said, maybe it’s no long true that ‘you better watch out, etc.’ applies. The forecast is predicting a very naughty year…

  5. They’re not here in Wisconsin either!

  6. Pingback: Mother Nature Must Read This Blog…I Sense the Snowmen Returning! | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

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