Frosty Fitness Fact: Fat Kids Make Fat Snowmen

A new study released by The President’s Committee on Physical Fitness contains a very interesting fact on page 12 of the report: “Fat kids make fat snowmen.  They are creating these monstrosities based on their own self-image.  Why do you never see a skinny snowman?  Because there are no skinny kids left in America to build them.  The fat kids ate them.”

How such a scathing paragraph made it into an official government document is unclear at this time, but this Modern Philosopher has a theory: No one reads those reports, at least not past the opening paragraphs, so exciting factoids like this one have probably been published for years without notice.

While the comment is rather harsh and an embarrassment for the President, it’s also very intriguing and difficult to dispute (well, aside from the comment on cannibalism).

American children are obese, and adults are just as bad.  We just hide it better because we’re taller and have money to buy more flattering clothes.  Kids wear whatever is put in front of them (much like their eating habits), so their plumpness is exponentially more obvious.

So what are we supposed to do about this growing problem?  The Holiday Season doesn’t exactly help matters.  We kick it off with an enormous caloric intake on Thanksgiving Day, and never really slow down until after New Year’s Day when we resolve to eat better (liars!).

The fact of the matter is that holiday treats are far more prevalent in kids’ lives than the desire to exercise.  Technology makes it even easier for the youth of our nation to be lazy buggers.  It might be an exaggeration (but isn’t that the tone of this blog?), but the most exercise children get today is probably when they’re walking to the kitchen or to a vending machine or to a fast food counter to get more food to cram down their gullets.

So I ask again, Modern Philosophers, what are we to do?  Maybe we need a Zombie Apocalypse or Total Blackout Scenario to thin the herd and whip the others into shape.  Should we be hoping that the Mayans are right and the end of the world is coming?  You never saw any fat Mayans…

Maybe we start a little simpler.  Maybe we force the kids to spend more time outside building snowmen.  The exercise and some fresh air will do them wonders.  They’ll actually burn some calories and earn that next trip into the kitchen.

Maybe we teach them to make skinnier snowmen, too.  Who knows?  There could be something to the whole self-image argument put forth on page 12 of the report by that very cynical, child hating government employee.  What would it hurt to urge kids to take a few pounds off the next masterpiece they put up on the lawn?  Why not encourage them to build a leaner, meaner Frosty?  Perhaps you tell the youngsters that Santa Claus doesn’t visit houses with fat snowmen out front, and hint that maybe he’s not a big fan of fat kids, either.  I know, that’s a rough one because what if they come back at you with the argument that Santa is a fatty?  I say, if they give you lip like that, you make then run five laps around the block and then introduce them to the wonderful world of sit ups!

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Am I being too rough on the kids?  Is it okay to be a little portly at a young age?  Do we send the wrong message if we push kids to exercise and try to save the potbelly for middle age?  Was that government official on to something with his Fat Kid/Fat Snowman theory?

Or am I just trying to motivate myself to go back to my daily 5 mile runs, and trying to use my own words to make myself feel bad about slacking off on my diet lately?

Think about it, Modern Philosophers.  At the very least, the Deep Thinking will burn enough calories to make up for that batch of Christmas cookies you ate last night…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

57 Responses to Frosty Fitness Fact: Fat Kids Make Fat Snowmen

  1. mjtannian says:

    Haha ok so this post brings up a huge topic, one that I find pretty frustrating…because it even exists. I don’t think you’re being too rough, but I don’t think kids should be the focus. You sort of nailed it with this, “Kids wear whatever is put in front of them (much like their eating habits).” I submit it’s the parent’s fault. Who cares if Bobby doesn’t like his carrots! Don’t give him a ding dong to shut him up. Who’s the adult, anyway…not Bobby, he just wants sugar…and I can’t blame him.

    Here’s why it frustrates me: obese children are living lower quality lives, and it’s really not their fault. Being fat sets a kid up for getting made fun of (thereby missing out on social experiences), struggling with most sports, and of course there’s the health concerns. They’re gonna eat what they’re allowed to eat or what they can manipulate their parents into feeding them.

  2. Combat Babe says:

    That sounds like a paragraph from The Onion. I just read a blog post by a Londoner talking about how England is getting obese. Look at China. America is not the only place for the obese. We keep quoting the world statistics (emphasis on statistics) that are from years ago it seems.

    Skinny snowmen are not normal even to a skinny child. Angels are skinny, snowmen are fat. It’s just the way the ‘cookie’ crumbles.

    Is there a link to this study?

  3. Gee—we kids made great snowmen. Of course, we also walked to each others house, walked a couple miles to school, pulled our own sleds up the hill…! Even if I was a bit pudgy, we WORKED to play!

  4. There's a frog on my Sprocket! says:

    One of the main reasons I cycle daily. Don’t wanna be the fat kid nor get eaten by them. Cardio gets one away from both zombies and fat kids alike.
    Great post

  5. fnfkathy says:

    Hilarious once again! I watched Dr. Phil a couple years back unleash on some lady who was on his show saying she was fat because she gave birth to her daughter (now 15 and a sad chunker monker in her own right) and the daughter was there to say she didn’t get along with the Mom because she kept blaming her for her(Mom’s) own obesity!

    Dr. Phil listened quietly then turned to the mother and said “Unless you ate her WHOLE as a toddler with a little salt and pepper, she did NOT make you fat”. The playing field was finally leveled that day between mother and daughter..I’m thinking Mom should have eaten a snowman since the caloric intake would have been extremely low due to the only ingredient being water…

  6. You’re not being too rough, frankly you’re not rough enough. Another problem is the complete crap in schools. We have buildings filled with educated adults who remain silent when they see what is being dished out in the cafeteria. Then there are the kids on the free meal program due to their financial status….they don’t have a prayer. Nothing says Bon Appetite more than packaged salt with a side of diabetes! My daughter is away at college and barely eats a morsel due to the quality. I could feed a country on the $$ left on her food plan. Yep, struck a nerve with this one!

    • Thank you. You’re a teacher, right? Can you start teacher the kids how to make skinnier snowmen? Please! 🙂

      • Weeeellll…Since I am in the South, we don’t get much in the way of snow. I suppose I COULD teach the kids about skinny snowmen, but it would involve me having to get all involved in the thermodynamics of the upper atmosphere, and changing the jet stream and all of that jazz. Plus, I might be attacked by all the crazy teacher unions about WHO gets to teach about each part – one has to talk about smaller carrot noses, one gets to teach about the size of charcoal buttons. It’s messy.

      • If you need snow, I will gladly ship it down to you from my driveway after each blizzard of the season. You’ll have more than enough to build a legion of snowmen…even more if you keep them skinny! 😉

  7. Renchick says:

    Hahahahahaha! Great post!

  8. runoffwriter says:

    Hey there! Thanks for liking my post! Took a quick glance at your posts and I see at least one rant in there…and you used to run 5 miles every day…hmmmm….only natural you found my blog, then…
    Thanks for this post; it surprises me (though I guess it shouldn’t) that such a statement would make it into this report. Very unprofessional. It’s as if it was written by someone’s undergrad research assistant. Yikes.
    Don’t think you’re being rough on the kids to expect them to get more exercise. They need it. Other reports we’ve all heard will tell you this generation of younguns is expected to live shorter lives than their parents. But as another poster pointed out, and you alluded to, the responsibility (fault?) here lies with the parents.

    • All I know is that after I read that report,I got out my running gear and went for a quick job. If I had seen any kids out on my route, I would’ve encouraged them to put down their Happy Meals and go for a run, too. 😀

  9. Pingback: Fretting for Frosty: Anthropologists Search for Maine’s Missing Snowman Population | The Return of the Modern Philosopher

  10. My snow men were over 6′ tall…I needed help to build them as I was still a wee child back then. Sadly, this did not reflect what I was going to grow up to be as I capped out at 5’3″.

    However, after reading this article I have far more serious concerns. I believe the robot infestation you’ve been so concerned with has been more clever than we could have ever imagined. Instead of attacking full force, they’ve slowly assimilated the world’s children into weakened beings controlled by them through the use of tv and video games.

    Think back… I know when I was younger the outdoors was very involved in my fun…whether I was climbing trees or playing tackle football in the yard. We’d go for walks and play tag. Learning was done with the help of trees…reading books, writing with pencil and paper…we even learned that foreign script known as cursive. Not much of that happens anymore…now kids are zombies at the tv & the computer who fill up on sugar and salt laden foods.

    OMG! The robots created the zombies!!! (It’s like a bad version of Firefly…only real!)

  11. Pingback: Message Sent « theinnerwildkat

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