FAA Revokes License of Maine’s Oldest Flying Monkey

flying monkeyThe Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it had grounded Jahrlo, the oldest of the Flying Monkeys living in Maine.  This is not the first time that the Federal Government has revoked the flying privileges of one of Maine’s many otherworldly beings, but in all the other cases, the individual was an Alien at the controls of a space vehicle.

Flying Monkeys flew ominously overhead during the news conference during which this decision was announced, and Maine’s skies are stilled speckled with the winged simians at this hour.  The creatures have done nothing more at this point than fly in long, looping circles, and authorities hope that it will remain a peaceful protest.

FAARaymond Bolger, the FAA official who made the announcement, sat down with this Modern Philosopher at The House on the Hill, to discuss the circumstances leading up to the decision.   “I know the government rarely gets involved with the unique situation in Maine, but we’d had numerous complaints recently about incidents involving Flying Monkeys in the Bangor area.  We had no choice but to investigate.”

What sort of “incidents”, Ray?  “Multiple reports of windows being broken because of a Flying Monkey smashing into them,” Bolger explained.  “Several cases of low flying Alien Space Crafts almost crashing to avoid a Flying Monkey that flew directly at them.”

The_Flying_Monkeys“At first, we feared it was some sort of organized act of aggression by the Flying Monkeys, which is something the Government feared when they first came here from Oz seeking asylum,” Bolger continued, and as he did, about a dozen Flying Monkeys began to circle in the sky above The House on the Hill (luckily, Gary the Gargoyle is away keeping an eye on The Girl With The Dimpled Smile, or else there might be trouble!).  “This fear is what led to the FAA insisting that every Flying Monkey in Maine be licensed and required to pass a flying test every three years.”

“It turned out, however, that it was one Flying Monkey involved in all the incidents.  We asked Jahrlo to come in and retake his licensing exam.  At first he refused, but then after his lawyer explained that he really had no choice, he agreed.  Unfortunately, he failed the test miserably.  We did allow him to retake it, and he did even worse.  The FAA had no choice but to pull his license.”

“How can you tell a Flying Monkey that he isn’t allowed to fly?” asked Margaret Hamilton, a local Flying Monkey advocate, who fought the FAA tooth and nail on this decision.  “They don’t regulate birds, bats, or Gargoyles, so why are they singling out the Flying Monkeys for this prejudicial treatment?”

I told Margaret that I believed it had something to do with the positions of terror the creatures once held back in their homeland of Oz.  “That was then, this is now,” she told me as she shook her head sadly.  “They were enslaved by The Wicked Witch of the West.  Why do they have to be punished for the horrible things she forced them to do?”

I think I’m with Miss Hamilton on this one, Modern Philosophers.  What do you think?  Can the Federal Government regulate flying creatures?  Why should Flying Monkeys have to pass a flying test while birds and bats do not?  How scary do you think it would be if a Flying Monkey swooped down, grabbed you, and flew off with you?

I think I’m going to stay inside tonight until the Flying Monkeys cool off…






About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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18 Responses to FAA Revokes License of Maine’s Oldest Flying Monkey

  1. As long as they keep Brian Blessed as Prince Vultan out of the skies I’m not bothered.

    God help us!

  2. EagleAye says:

    I have a feeling the ACLU may step in on this one.

    • Austin says:

      If it gets the Flying Monkeys out of the air, and at the negotiating table, I’ll put out the welcome mat for the ACLU myself…

      • EagleAye says:

        That’s the problem. The ACLU would likely take the side of the monkeys, citing prejudice and profiling as the reason they must pass a flying test, while birds do not.

        They might build a case around the fact that birds have brought down whole airliners while flying monkeys have not.

        I’d rather that the Simians be required to file a flight plan, but the the ACLU may nix that.

    • Austin says:

      I just want everyone to be happy and to get along! The Wicked Witch is dead, so the Flying Monkeys deserve a little freedom. Let those little pretties fly free!

  3. thepunnery says:

    The flying monkeys may be in luck: you can’t have regulation without spending money, and they say the FAA has its own problems with that just now….

  4. kodonivan says:

    I had a college professor who ruined the Wizard of Oz for me. He said that the timing of the movie’s release was important. It was in 1939, the same year that Hitler invaded Poland and started WW II. The flying monkeys represented the Luftwaffe; the Wicked Witch of the West was Hitler; the Good Witch of the East was the Allies and Dorothy was the average American. Now, I don’t know if this is at all accurate, but for the last 25 years, I have avoided watching this movie!

    • Austin says:

      The book was written before the war. Your teacher was wrong. It’s okay to watch it again. 🙂

      • kodonivan says:

        I know the book was written before the war. Baum was on vacation at the Hotel del Coronado (I live in San Diego) when he wrote it at the turn of the last century. I think my former professor was referring to the movie, though. Thanks for the reminder! 🙂

      • Austin says:

        Just follow the yellow brick road of your heart… 🙂

  5. ksbeth says:

    of course margaret hamilton is the local advocate, they have always done her bidding, and i have always hated those damn creepy things! if you ground them, it will only emasculate them, and no doubt, they will run amok and create even more mayhem.

    • Austin says:

      You’re the first to mention picking up on that witty little connection. No one has noticed that the FAA guy is named after the actor who played The Scarecrow in the flick, though…

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