Don’t Forget About Zombie Safety On Thanksgiving!

ZombiesAs Thanksgiving approaches, Modern Philosophers, it is very easy to let down our guard as the Holiday Spirit consumes us and we consume large quantities of food.

The Maine Department For Safety Against Zombies and The Maine Zombie Census Bureau have asked me to remind you that Thanksgiving is the second most dangerous Holiday for Zombie attacks (St. Patrick’s Day holds the top spot on the list).

Andrew Nicotero, Director of the Safety Against Zombies Department,  stopped by The House on the Hill today to share a few simple things that you can do to keep yourself from becoming a Zombie’s Thanksgiving Feast.

“Burn your leftovers,” Nicotero stated as we enjoyed a Snapple at the dining room table.  “We’re not sure why, but Zombies are wicked attracted to turkey carcasses, stuffing, and gravy.  They love gravy.  Maine Zombie Hunters actually use big tubs of it to attract Zombie herds when they need to lure them away from populated areas.”

Turkey_dinnerKeep in mind that the smell of Thanksgiving dinner will be wafting through the air all day, luring Zombies out of the woods and into busy neighborhoods.

“Make sure your doors and windows are locked.  Do not cook with the windows open. While you are gathered around the table with family and friends, Zombies could be surrounding your home.”

Nicotero assured me that Maine Zombie Hunters and Zombie Census Bureau Agents will be out in full force on Thanksgiving Day, doing their best to keep Maine’s Zombie population under control.

“We can’t be everywhere, though,” he pointed our solemnly.  “That’s why we need folks to be vigilant and to make sure they are armed at all times.  Governor LePage is going to set a 4:00 curfew for Thanksgiving night.  It gets dark right about that time now, and no one should be outside after dark.  It’s simply too dangerous.”

While Nicotero acknowledges that Mainers’ mandatory Zombie Dispatching Training would give them a fighting chance against a Zombie attack, he is quick to point out that these are Thanksgiving Zombies, which are a totally different breed.

happy T“The smell of turkey and gravy makes them hungrier and more dangerous,” he explained over a second Snapple.  “Scientists are trying to figure out why, and some think it has to do with past memories of Thanksgiving that somehow still exist in the Zombies’ minds.”

He also worries that the popularity of “The Walking Dead” has lulled Mainers into a false sense of security when it comes to dealing with Maine’s Zombie population.

“When ‘The Walking Dead’ was here filming that live episode last year, the producers and cast couldn’t believe how much scarier our Zombies were than the ones that actors portray on the show,” Nicotero recalled with a chuckle.  “We had to have extra security around the set to protect the stars from the Maine Zombies in the episode.  Mainers see how easily Zombies are handled on the show, but they forget that’s just Hollywood.  We’re dealing with the real thing here in Maine.”

The biggest problem of all might be the slower reflexes brought about by eating so much food.  “Tryptophan is your worst enemy,” he points out with a heavy sigh.  “People are going to eat themselves into a food coma.  They’ll fall asleep on the couch, food still out on the table, doors and windows not locked, and the Zombies are going to come.  Even if they wake up, they’ll be no match for Zombies intent on having a Thanksgiving feast.”

food comaPlease be careful this Thanksgiving, Modern Philosophers.  There is a reason that Maine’s Zombie population always sees an increase after this Holiday.

Be safe.  Be smart.  Make sure you’re armed.

Failure to comply could result in this being your last Thanksgiving as a human…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Don’t Forget About Zombie Safety On Thanksgiving!

  1. D. Parker says:

    Nicotero lol Those zombies… 😉

  2. Reblogged this on On The Upside and commented:
    This is one I can’t resist re-blogging. I love it.

  3. JED says:

    It’s a bit harder to run with a belly full of Thanksgiving feast too. Zombies may know that.

  4. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Suddenly, dodging deer on the interstate during hunting season looks like fun.

  5. List of X says:

    And if you do lock your doors and windows, you can also protect your house from those annoying relatives who get drunk, start loud political arguments, and ask all kinds of embarrassing questions.

  6. stephrogers says:

    I’m glad we don’t do thanksgiving here, it means you guys can keep all the zombies too

  7. hattyab77 says:

    Reblogged this on News of social welfare.

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