I feel like I’m ready to get back out there again, I’m in much better shape, and I’m tired of being alone.
The plan was to delete my profile from the dating website and start over from scratch.
I’d created the profile fourteen years ago after I got divorced, and I’ve used the site off and on over the years. Never with much luck, but I knew I had to start looking for a date somewhere.
Plus, I’ve gotten it into my head that my online profile is jinxed. I mean, what else could possibly explain my lack of luck with finding a date?
I can’t even get anyone to write back to me on the site when I send a well-written, well thought out email.
Cursed. It’s the only explanation.
All the surveys I filled out to help create the algorithm the site uses to find me a match were fourteen years old. I’ve changed a lot in that time, so I doubt that the computer is using the correct data to find me love.
It just made sense to delete the profile and start over again.
Of course, the site does not make it easy for you to leave. Simply finding the link to learn how to vanish was a Herculean task, and I’m sure Hercules never tried online dating.
Once I found the directions to delete my online profile, I was besieged with warnings that I would regret my decision. I almost got the sense that the site would send someone to The House on the Hill to kneecap me if I tried to leave.
All I wanted was a new start.
A paranoia gripped me. What if the computer was suspicious of my deleting a profile and then immediately creating a new one? What if this led to it being biased in creating its next algorithm for me? Would it be possible for the computer to hold back replies to me from other members on the site?
So I decided to take another tact. The instructions urged me to forgo deleting my profile and improve my current one instead.
The first bit of advice was to be positive and come up with a great headline to really catch the attention of other users.
This made sense, so I looked at my current headline which was…
I Don’t Want To Die Alone
Okay. Even though that was the truth and summed up why I was looking for someone special, I could also see where it might scare away potential dates.
I created a cheesy, sunshine and unicorns headline to replace it.
The pic I had on the site went with the old headline. I was standing in an empty grave and a friend, dressed as the Angel of Death, was shoveling dirt down onto me.
That had to go since it would make absolutely no sense with the new headline.
I found a rare selfie in which I was both smiling and not covered in sweat after a run.
Then the site, aka The All Knowing Love Computer, told me to write about myself in the manner in which my friends would describe me.
That got me thinking, “Do you mean the same friends who never have any single friends, relatives, neighbors, or coworkers to set me up with on a date?”.
I guess they’d say things like, Austin is kind of weird, he hates being around people, and while he’s hilarious, he knows he’s smarter than the rest of us and always has these subtle ways of reminding us of that…
That’s not going to get me any dates.
I thought about it some more, and came up with Austin is a quirky introvert, who never wants to leave The House on the Hill to do anything with us, so we’ve stopped inviting him. He’d much rather stay home to write, read, or watch the Yankees game…
None of that sounded any good, so after making a mental note to be mad at all my friends the next time I saw them, I put on my writer’s hat and created a positive, interesting profile for King Introvert.
Hey, I’m a writer, so by using my creativity in my profile, I’m really giving the ladies a true look into my inner psyche.
The last tip from The Beautiful Computer Mind Looking For Love For Me was to list some intriguing interests. It suggested activities that couples could do together to better get to know each other. I also took it to mean that I should delete any current interests that might make me sound like an outcast or weirdo.
So I deleted cool stuff from my current list like fortifying my panic room, running surveillance on any stranger who walks down my block, and preparing for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.
I maintain that all those things are activities a couple can do together and really learn about each other in the process, but I also get that they might limit the algorithm’s ability to find any matches.
I added more “couple friendly” interests, but I did refuse to budge on one item on the list. If a woman isn’t intrigued by the fact that I list working on my time machine as an interest, then she is not someone I want to know.
Unless, of course, she is eager to help me with the panic room so Zombies and strangers can never harm us…
I saved the changes to my new and improved profile, and then sent several emails to women whose profiles caught my attention.
So far, I’ve gotten one reply. Hey, it’s one more than I usually get.
I’m cautiously optimistic that a computer can find me a date, but I don’t see anyone else even trying…