Rescue Teams Evacuate Residents From Melting Homes On Candy Cane Lane

Rescue teams from all over Eastern Maine have descended upon the normally quite Bangor cul-de-sac of Candy Cane Lane to rescue panicked residents from their candy and gingerbread houses that are melting in the scorching Summer heat.

As helicopters hovered overhead, ambulances, firetrucks, and police cruisers shuttled in and out of the cul-de-sac to whisk citizens to safety.  Most of the residents of this neighborhood of approximately two dozen homes are either elderly Witches or Gingerbread Families.  Authorities, not wanting to leave anything to chance, have decided to evacuate every house on Candy Cane Lane.

“It’s a safety precaution,” Bangor Police Chief Louie Niles explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “The heat’s not supposed to let up all weekend, and most of these houses are held together by the same kinds of icing and fudge, so we’re worried that the ones not showing any signs of melting now will only wilt under the heat tomorrow.”

As I made my way through the crowd of distraught residents and curious onlookers, I was touched by the sight of total strangers  assisting and comforting others.  A young girl took the gnarled hand of an ancient Witch and said she could live at her house.  A man told a Gingerbread Family that even though he was diabetic, they were welcome to stay in his guest room.

Pastry chefs, bakers, food artisans, engineers, architects, and contractors from all over the state have also gathered to try to save the historic homes.  This Modern Philosopher was told that a quick drying chocolate shell was going to be dropped on the houses from helicopters and space cruisers in hopes that the tasty treat would reinforce the melting structures.  Marzipan and marshmallow fluff will also be applied by those on the ground.  Hopefully, the combination will work.

Bangor officials have asked Governor LePage to declare Candy Cane Lane a disaster area so that Federal funds and resources could be made available, but at this point, LePage has been unavailable.  My sources tell me he is still too obsessed with domes being dropped on Maine (please see this morning’s post on this topic) to be of any help.

In the meantime, Maine Gubernatorial Candidate Mayor McCheese has volunteered to reach out to Heat Miser to ask for some relief from the sweltering temperatures.  At this point, McCheese is still waiting to hear back from the man with his finger on the hot button, who seems hell bent on making Americans as uncomfortable as possible.

“I would love the opportunity to go to bat for the people of Maine and see if I can convince Heat Miser to ease up on the throttle,” Mayor McCheese told me as we walked around Candy Cane Lane surveying the damage.  The candidate used his connection with his current employer to have McDonald’s lunches brought in for all the rescue workers, residents, onlookers, and media.  He also told me that Ronald himself had promised a sizable donation to the effort to save the homes on this cul-de-sac.

If anyone in the area would like to host a displaced resident of Candy Cane Lane, please call the Bangor Police Department.  Authorities would also welcome any thoughts on how to save the candy and gingerbread houses.

Please keep the residents of Candy Cane Lane in your thoughts and prayers tonight.  And if any of you run into Heat Miser, let him know that Mayor McCheese is looking for him!