Doug Byron walked into Police Headquarters in Downtown Bangor and confessed to eight murders over the past two years. He then led police to eight shallow graves in the woods near Milford, and turned over journals that detailed how he chose, stalked, and murdered his victims.
Now the police don’t know what to do with the man…because the people he confessed to murdering were his imaginary friends.
“This is weird even for Maine,” Police Chief Lou Foster confessed. “I mean, he’s so sure he committed a crime, but he hasn’t. He led us to eight graves in the woods, but all he’d done was dig a big hole and then refilled it. The journals are packed with grisly details, and I probably won’t sleep for a week, but they’re just works of fiction.”
Cue the literary agents. Word got out about the journals and the wild stories Byron was telling, and the agents came looking to sign him to a book deal. “Darling, this is fabulous and will rocket up the Times bestseller list,” cooed CeCe Lansing of some haughty agency from New York. “We could publish them as is, maybe add a forward from Stephen King, and then sell them as an eight book set. Hollywood will be dying to buy the rights. This is pure gold!”
The police tried to have Byron committed to Acadia Hospital, the local mental health facility, but they refused to admit him. “He’s just too dangerous for us,” said a hospital spokesman, who refused to allow me to use his name. “Do you know how many of our current patients have imaginary friends? We don’t have enough staff to protect all of them from him. He belongs in jail where armed guards can watch him.”
Now the activists are getting involved. This Modern Philosopher was visited by Hillary LeClerque, the President of The Society Protecting Imaginary Persons (SPIP), and she was outraged at how this case was being handled. “Why is no one taking this case seriously?” she demanded. “Eight persons of an imaginary nature have been murdered and no one seems to care. They’re talking about allowing that monster to run free and then profit from his crimes with books and movies. This is an outrage! SPIP will not stand for this!”
Miss LeClerque then consulted with her imaginary colleagues for a good fifteen minutes, and in the end, they were apparently all in agreement that they needed to organize a candlelight vigil at the grave sites.
What do you think, Modern Philosophers? Have you ever had an imaginary friend suddenly go missing? Did you think you’d just outgrown that friend, or that the friend had gotten bored with you? What do you think should be done with this Byron fellow?
I look forward to reading your replies. Please feel free to submit comments from your imaginary friends as well because I’d love to know what they think…
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
I think we have a suspect in the case of the mysterious death of Manti Te’o imaginary girlfriend.
Hmmmm. If you recall, my Leprechaun friend Seamus fell prey to a similar ruse. Very interesting… 🙂
Word to the wise: lock your doors and keep a close eye on your imaginary companions.
I’ll spread the word…
It’s ridiculous that no one has ever asked the right questions about what was happening to all those imaginary friends who were there one day, and gone the next. Hellllloooooo….
Sometimes people don’t want to ask the difficult questions… 😉
I don’t recall having imaginary friends as a kid, but I do enjoy talking to myself. I especially like saying things like, “Kassie, you complete bonehead!” when I forget crucial things, like, my wallet when walking in the middle of a grocery store. 🙂
As for Byron, let’s give the man a round of applause. Sounds like he’s still stuck in imaginary land. It’s funny how, as kids, we’re given creative leeway to use our imagination but as adults we’re considered criminally insane. Just saying! 😉
“Kassie, you’re applauding a serial killer” — that’s your voice scolding you for that comment! 🙂
LOL!!!!! 🙂
I sounded just like it, didn’t I? I do excellent inner voice impressions! 😀
I blame Manti Te’o for starting this awful trend.
Then you should go read my post about Seamus the Leprechaun falling prey to a similar hoax… 🙂
I didn’t notice the Te’o joke had already been played out, my apologies!
No need to apologize, Gretchy. I was just pointing you to another post that I thought you’d like. 🙂
“Weird even for Maine”? I thought those Mainites (?) were quietly quirky. Unlike Brooklyn, where quirkiness is more in your face. Go, go, go, moviewriter.
Thanks. Glad you enjoy the blog. 🙂
How do you come up with these? What an incredibly clever idea!
Like I tell anyone else who asks, I just report the news. This stuff really happens up here in Maine, and I simply freelance and cover the events. When the local newspaper won’t pay me for the story, I just publish it on the blog. 😀
I guess the frigid temps and howling winds drove him to confess. Musta been challenging to investigate those graves in the frozen substrate. I don’t envy the Bangor police having to be outside. That dome can’t be built soon enough!
From what I’ve heard since publishing the original article, a couple of Byron’s other imaginary friends talked him into coming forward and talking to the police…
I’m glad he has so many friends…and that the surviving friends are being such good friends and giving good advice.
Maybe they have an ulterior motive? Perhaps they hoped to get him committed to Acadia, the mental hospital, and then have some of the other patients’ imaginary friends kill him? Would be sweet revenge…
My, that WOULD be an evil twist to the story.
This is Maine, so such twists and turn often do happen. I plan to keep following the story…
Well, I think an ankle band and daily reporting to the local police headquarters to begin with . . .
But that’s really not going to prevent him from hurting other imaginary friends, is it? The friends can be anywhere he is, so the monitor won’t do much…
Hahaha! Brilliant idea for a story! Brilliant! 🙂
Thanks. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I hear it’s been re-blogged several times on the Imaginary Friends Blogs… 🙂
O, the chapters we could write to go along with this story. I dig it. 😉 -Luke
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for visiting, and feel free to look around… 🙂
dig it 😀 teehee
Really thought this was a more serious topic that should be covered again with more details. My imaginary friends are much too dear to kill off…they are quite concerned!
Perhaps I’ll write some follow up articles once it’s decided what to do with the suspect. Tell you imaginary friends not to worry…
What a tragedy. I hope they find some help for the poor man. My friend Eunice (careful, don’t sit on her!) really hopes he never comes to Oregon
Don’t worry, Eunice, I think you’re safe out on your side of the country. Byron is afraid of flying… 🙂
Imaginary friend? What an insult! These people are real; only some other people don’t have the intelligence to see them.
Is seeing an intelligence thing? If it is, I certainly shouldn’t need these glasses I’m always wearing… 😉
Seeing in the senseof understanding beyond what people are told. Glasses, on the other hand, are a market of intellegence (most of the time) 😛
🙂
she’s in the kitchen, so I have to be quick….Joe, Byron’s first imaginary friend is my uncle, and he told me Byron didn’t bury them, they are all locked in his basement. He only let Joe out so he could ruffle the leaves at the site in the woods. Of course he came straight to the bar, and we had a couple, laughin our heads off cause it was windy, and Byron would never know….oh, gotta go, she’s comin back…………………
Hmmmm…do you need me to send help? If so, would you prefer it to be real or imagined? 😀
its toooo laaaaaate…………
Darn. Will your imaginary friend continue to read my blog in your place??? 😉
What imaginary friend???
Hmm….
I was too logical to have imaginary friends. I often considered to pretend to have imaginary friends to make my younger sister jealous, but it was easier just to ignore her.
Are you sure your younger sister was real?
Woah.
This blog is all about the Deep Thoughts. You have earned your toga….
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Great post, I love it!
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. Did you let your imaginary friends read it as well? 😉
No, I can’t stand it when my imaginary friends read over my shoulder. It drives me mad.
I can imagine how annoying that would be… 🙂
Loooved it 😀 !
I never had imaginary friends, but the ones who are sitting next to me now are cracking laughing about this like me.
I like the opinion of Ms Le Clerque “Eight persons of an imaginary nature have been murdered” just awesome.
I’m glad you and your friends enjoyed it. 🙂