Man Running From His Past, Catches Up With His Future; Chaos Ensues

harvard hazmat2Today, Modern Philosophers, Maine experienced an event that seemed ripped from the pages of a Michael Crichton novel that had been rewritten by Stephen King.

Police officers, Firefighters, EMTs, HAZMAT teams, Theoretical Physicists, Alien Scientists, and my good friend Doc Brown gathered at the Broadway McDonald’s in Bangor to try to make sense of an event that has left the greatest scientific minds of this planet and planets from far away galaxies completely baffled.

Walter Thatcher, 32 of Milford, who was reported missing in October 2010, entered the McDonald’s at just after 1:00.  He ordered a Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal and chose to Super Size it.

When his lunch was brought to him, Thatcher came face to face with another member of the fast food establishment’s staff.  This employee was Walter Thatcher, 35 of Milford.

In other words, 2010 Walter Thatcher met the present day version of himself.  About five seconds later, both versions spontaneously combusted…all over the McDonald’s.

Mayor_McCheese“The entire McDonald’s Family offers its condolences after the tragic events that took place in one of our Bangor locations today,” Mayor McCheese told the press at a campaign stop in Portland.  “Our hearts go out to the victims’ family, and I intend to head to that store to check on the staff and provide grief counseling to any patrons who were in the establishment at the time.”

So what the hell happened?  I grabbed my good friend, idol, and mentor, Doc Brown to try to get to bottom of it.

“This was definitely worth getting the DeLorean out of mothballs for, Austin,” Doc told me excitedly as we walked across the parking lot that was packed with emergency vehicles and news trucks.  “This is the kind of event that happens maybe once in a lifetime.  Well, technically speaking, it happened twice in Mr. Thatcher’s life, but those two instances were simultaneous and with two different versions of himself.”

ScientistsDoc must have seen the befuddled look on my face because he laughed and gave me a big pat on the back.  “Don’t worry, Austin,” he comforted me.  “You see all those big brained scientists sitting over there?  Well none of them are quite sure what happened, either.  The Aliens and I are the only ones generating Deep Thoughts on this.”

I asked Doc to explain the events of the afternoon as simply as possible.  “Basically, this poor guy has been running from his past and he caught up with his future.  When the two versions of the same person came face to face, it created a rip in the space time continuum which immediately needed to be fixed.  Had it not, life as we know it would have ceased to exist.  So both versions spontaneously combusted to save the world.”

I was really struggling to wrap my brain around what Doc had told me.  I didn’t get how someone could run so fast he’d catch up with his future.

Doc hat“You know, Marty never asked this many questions,” Doc said playfully and laughed.  “We think this is a unique circumstance that had to do with Maine and the time of year that Mr. Thatcher disappeared.  That theory gains even more credibility when you factor in that members of your creepy All Hallow’s Society have been poking around.”

My head immediately swiveled and I scanned the parking lot for any sign of the mysterious, hooded figures from Maine’s Ultra Secret Organization.

“They’re not here,” Doc burst my bubble.  “The All Hallow’s members participated via cell phone.  “Their voices make me want to lock myself in my room and pray for daylight.”

If The All Hallow’s Society was involved, and the victim had vanished in October of 2010, this must have something to do with Halloween.

worm“Excellent deduction, Austin!” Doc yelped in delight.  “Mr. Thatcher vanished on October 30.  He was fighting with his wife, had run up some large debts, and was having troubles at work.  All signs point to the fact that he was running away from his life.  Our theory is that he ran smack into a wormhole.  They tend to turn up in Maine on Halloween and they are the quickest, most dangerous way to time travel.”

Doc and the Aliens believed that Thatcher ran out of the wormhole after what seemed like mere moments later to him, but what had really been over three years to the rest of the world.  That would’ve explained why he was so hungry and stopped for lunch.

“Now that we know what happened here, nothing is going to change whether you write your blog post now or later, right?” Doc asked with a devilish smile on his face.  “So why don’t we take the DeLorean for a spin and catch up?”

I did not need to be asked twice, Modern Philosophers.  Maybe I’ll tell you about our little journey some day soon.  For now, though, I’m “OUTATIME”…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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19 Responses to Man Running From His Past, Catches Up With His Future; Chaos Ensues

  1. I want a trip in a DeLorean!

  2. ksbeth says:

    how much did his burger cost?

  3. The Cutter says:

    I’ve only been to Maine once, but I did not encounter any wormholes. Based on this story, that’s probably a good thing.

  4. List of X says:

    Wait, if Thatcher went through the wormhole in 2010 and re-emerged in 2013 as a 32-year old, where does the 35-year old Thatcher come from? The 32-year old had to return back to 2010 to grow up to be 35, which wouldn’t have been possible if he died today.


  6. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

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