Poll Shows Kids Fear Grandma’s Fruitcake More Than Zombies And Algebra

fruitcakeA new Gallup Poll released today reveals that American children are more afraid of  Grandma’s Holiday Fruitcake than they are of Zombies and Algebra combined!

Over 75,000 children from across the country, ranging in age from 7-16, participated in the poll.

When asked the question “What scares you most?”, 41% of the respondents went with the fruitcake.  Most of them followed their answer with “And PLEASE don’t tell Grandma”.

Zombies, the reigning champ for the previous 3 years, received 23% of the vote, while Algebra came in third with 6%.  How do pollsters explain these results?

fruitcake 2“We usually conduct the poll in late October, which is right around Halloween and when The Walking Dead starts to air.  Plus, the school year has gotten to a point where Algebra becomes a daily nightmare,” Gallup’s Maura Dahl explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “This year, we didn’t make our calls until the first week of December, which is right around when Grandma’s fruitcakes begin to arrive.”

Are Grandma’s fruitcakes really more frightening than Zombies?  A fruitcake doesn’t want to eat your brain.

I asked renowned child psychologist, Dr. Tammi Barton, if she could explain this fear of Holiday baked goods.  “Are you kidding me, Austin?  Those things are wicked gross.  I mean, I run and lock myself in the room when my Mom tries to get me to have a piece.  They just look all…UGH and BLAH…and I keep picturing my Nana smoking over the bowl while she’s mixing it all up and adding hard candies from the bottom of her pocketbook to the bowl.  It creeps me out!  I’m afraid I’m gonna break a tooth biting into it!”

fruitcake 3I should explain that the child psychologist is literally a child, as Dr. Tammi (yes, with an “i” at the end!) is only 12.

So what do you think, Modern Philosophers?

Do you agree with these poll results?  Were you ever that afraid of Grandma’s Holiday Fruitcake?  How do you think Zombies will react when they are told they are no longer American children’s worst fear?

It’s been a long time since I’ve been subjected to a Holiday Fruitcake, but I would love to try feeding some to the local Zombies and see what it does to them.  Just a little something for me to give some Deep Thought to tonight…

Happy Holidays!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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42 Responses to Poll Shows Kids Fear Grandma’s Fruitcake More Than Zombies And Algebra

  1. Corsicana, Texas is the Fruitcake Capital of the World (true). When I am back home in Texas I avoid Corsicana like the plague.

  2. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    ‘TIS THE SEASON….FOR FRUITCAKE!!!! 🙂

  3. Jet Eliot says:

    I think Dr. Tammi is right on, and please tell her I laughed so hard I couldn’t type….

  4. floridaborne says:

    I no longer make it. It used to be one of my favorites when it was made right–seeped in rum and whiskey. With a bit of whiskey an rum freshly poured over it just before serving, no crumb was left behind.

  5. Fruitcakes, like cockroaches, will outlast all traces of human civilization.

  6. Does anyone under the age of 14 even KNOW what fruitcake is?? Great blog.

  7. Aussa Lorens says:

    Hahahahaha you had me laughing JUST at the title. I’m not sure that ANYTHING in this world is more frightening than Algebra……. But I have never actually encountered a fruit cake so I can’t be relied upon for an accurate opinion. They look hella scary though.

  8. I wonder if zombies are afraid of fruitcake. That would be a interesting survey, if you could get an answer from them before they eat your brains.

  9. I can attest to that. Nightmares of having to eat plastery, gooey, nasty, fruity brick bombs from my childhood still plague me to this day. And in fact may still very well remain in my large intestine. Those things have the shelf life of a brontosaurus.

  10. ksbeth says:

    yes, i agree with them. children are very wise.

  11. stephrogers says:

    Awww, I actually like fruitcake. I even got a fruitcake award on my blog once. I thought it was awesome. Perhaps it was a bad thing?

  12. 48volt says:

    Reblogged this on 48volt Powers My Active DI and commented:
    And definately more than quicksand!

  13. cat9984 says:

    Just a word to the wise. Often the person who makes the fruitcake is also the person who makes the really yummy cookies and cakes. My grandmother was. Fortunately for all involved I got her baking talent without her taste for fruitcake.

  14. Agellius says:

    “Nightmares of having to eat plastery, gooey, nasty, fruity brick bombs from my childhood still plague me to this day.”

    Yes but that’s *bad* fruitcake. By the same token when I was a kid I used to think wine was the worst drink ever. But later in life I realized the wine my parents had in the house was (1) dirt cheap ($2 a gallon I’m guessing?) and (2) old and half turned to vinegar. Good wine is a whole different animal!

  15. Those pictures look horrifying. I’m just going to go make blueberry cobbler and call it “fruit cake.”

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