A new Gallup Poll released today reveals that American children are more afraid of Grandma’s Holiday Fruitcake than they are of Zombies and Algebra combined!
Over 75,000 children from across the country, ranging in age from 7-16, participated in the poll.
When asked the question “What scares you most?”, 41% of the respondents went with the fruitcake. Most of them followed their answer with “And PLEASE don’t tell Grandma”.
Zombies, the reigning champ for the previous 3 years, received 23% of the vote, while Algebra came in third with 6%. How do pollsters explain these results?
“We usually conduct the poll in late October, which is right around Halloween and when The Walking Dead starts to air. Plus, the school year has gotten to a point where Algebra becomes a daily nightmare,” Gallup’s Maura Dahl explained to this Modern Philosopher. “This year, we didn’t make our calls until the first week of December, which is right around when Grandma’s fruitcakes begin to arrive.”
Are Grandma’s fruitcakes really more frightening than Zombies? A fruitcake doesn’t want to eat your brain.
I asked renowned child psychologist, Dr. Tammi Barton, if she could explain this fear of Holiday baked goods. “Are you kidding me, Austin? Those things are wicked gross. I mean, I run and lock myself in the room when my Mom tries to get me to have a piece. They just look all…UGH and BLAH…and I keep picturing my Nana smoking over the bowl while she’s mixing it all up and adding hard candies from the bottom of her pocketbook to the bowl. It creeps me out! I’m afraid I’m gonna break a tooth biting into it!”
I should explain that the child psychologist is literally a child, as Dr. Tammi (yes, with an “i” at the end!) is only 12.
So what do you think, Modern Philosophers?
Do you agree with these poll results? Were you ever that afraid of Grandma’s Holiday Fruitcake? How do you think Zombies will react when they are told they are no longer American children’s worst fear?
It’s been a long time since I’ve been subjected to a Holiday Fruitcake, but I would love to try feeding some to the local Zombies and see what it does to them. Just a little something for me to give some Deep Thought to tonight…
Happy Holidays!
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
Corsicana, Texas is the Fruitcake Capital of the World (true). When I am back home in Texas I avoid Corsicana like the plague.
Good move. Good move!
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
‘TIS THE SEASON….FOR FRUITCAKE!!!! 🙂
I think Dr. Tammi is right on, and please tell her I laughed so hard I couldn’t type….
I will happily pass that along to her. She in her room watching Doogie Howser reruns… 🙂
I no longer make it. It used to be one of my favorites when it was made right–seeped in rum and whiskey. With a bit of whiskey an rum freshly poured over it just before serving, no crumb was left behind.
Did they eat it out of fear, though? 😉
Never. It was really that good.
Would you be afraid of a woman 5’4 1/2″ weighing around 110?
Incidentally, my daughter used to be into sports. She could tap a soccer ball and it would fly over the goal from the other side of the field. Some social worker asked her once if she was being abused. She lifted me over her shoulder. No words were needed to answer THAT question.
I wouldn’t try feeding her fruitcake if she didn’t want it. Or anyone else for that matter–more for me. 🙂
No one would be afraid of you. Just your baked goods! 🙂
Good one!
Thanks. 🙂
Fruitcakes, like cockroaches, will outlast all traces of human civilization.
And then the cockroaches will fear the fruitcakes!
Almost sounds Biblical–Amen, Brother!
The cake shall inherit the earth??? 🙂
Yes, after the roaches are gone and the smiting is done LOL.
Exactly!
Does anyone under the age of 14 even KNOW what fruitcake is?? Great blog.
Thanks! Happy Holidays!
Hahahahaha you had me laughing JUST at the title. I’m not sure that ANYTHING in this world is more frightening than Algebra……. But I have never actually encountered a fruit cake so I can’t be relied upon for an accurate opinion. They look hella scary though.
Don’t they? I picked the most frightening photos! Glad you enjoyed this slice of holiday humor that won’t sit all heavy in your belly… 😉
I wonder if zombies are afraid of fruitcake. That would be a interesting survey, if you could get an answer from them before they eat your brains.
Well, as you might know from following this blog, I write about Zombies a lot. So, I will have my interns conduct the research and then get back to you!
Please let me know. I have plenty of fruitcake ammunition ready, just in case.
You got it!
I can attest to that. Nightmares of having to eat plastery, gooey, nasty, fruity brick bombs from my childhood still plague me to this day. And in fact may still very well remain in my large intestine. Those things have the shelf life of a brontosaurus.
Ha! Maybe you need to have an ultrasound done to see if it’s still in there somewhere! 🙂
Haha I really should.
Better safe than sorry! 🙂
I have always wondered what the gestational period of a fruit cake was… 😉
I’m not even sure if scientists know the answer to that one!
yes, i agree with them. children are very wise.
Aren’t they? It’s surprising at times. 🙂
Awww, I actually like fruitcake. I even got a fruitcake award on my blog once. I thought it was awesome. Perhaps it was a bad thing?
Maybe you got one of the few yummy fruitcakes??? 🙂
Reblogged this on 48volt Powers My Active DI and commented:
And definately more than quicksand!
Just a word to the wise. Often the person who makes the fruitcake is also the person who makes the really yummy cookies and cakes. My grandmother was. Fortunately for all involved I got her baking talent without her taste for fruitcake.
Fortunately for sure!
“Nightmares of having to eat plastery, gooey, nasty, fruity brick bombs from my childhood still plague me to this day.”
Yes but that’s *bad* fruitcake. By the same token when I was a kid I used to think wine was the worst drink ever. But later in life I realized the wine my parents had in the house was (1) dirt cheap ($2 a gallon I’m guessing?) and (2) old and half turned to vinegar. Good wine is a whole different animal!
🙂
Those pictures look horrifying. I’m just going to go make blueberry cobbler and call it “fruit cake.”
Good plan!