“Few people realize the important part our snowy friends play in our ongoing battle to ward off the Zombie Apocalypse,” Lori Romero, Maine’s Secretary of Zombie Defense, told this Modern Philosopher after today’s awards ceremony. “Snowmen have been out on the front line all Winter long, and it’s about time they were recognized as the heroes they are.”
It has been well documented in this blog that Maine is the only state in the Union to have an actual Zombie infestation. Maine Zombie Hunters and Maine Zombie Census Bureau Workers do an amazing job of keeping the brain munchers from ever getting out of control, moving too close to populated areas, or crossing over into New Hampshire.
“If Zombies ever got past the defenses set up in our state by the Federal Government, I fear it would only be a matter of weeks before the entire United States was infected and overrun,” Secretary of Zombie Defense Romero continued. “The best of the best are in Maine keeping the problem from becoming a nationwide epidemic. If Maine can’t handle the Zombies, do you really think places like Vermont, Utah, Iowa, or Kansas could? This country depends on Maine to keep the Zombies at bay.”
During his speech, Governor LePage explained how Snowmen allowed themselves to be used as bait to lure the Zombies to remote locations, so they could be tracked and then dispatched by the trained professionals.
“The Snowmen came to us to volunteer in the fight,” Colonel Travis Teague of the Maine Zombie Hunters told me. “Snowmen knew that a Zombie’s bite would have absolutely no affect on them, and that they looked enough like humans to get the brain drainers to trudge on over in search of a snack. To make them an even more enticing target, we soaked the Snowmen in blood.”
“The producers of The Walking Dead loved the idea of a Snowman Brigade so much that they wrote it into the live episode shot in Maine,” Colonel Teague boasted. “Who could forget that scene where the Zombies converge on the blood soaked Snowmen, and then Rick and Daryl jump out from behind the trees and just annihilate all those Walkers? Best part of the episode.”
I’m going to have to agree with the Colonel on that one. It was an excellent bit of TV and probably the best episode The Walking Dead aired this season.
But back to our heroes. After Governor LePage hung medals around the necks of several Snowmen, he then declared January 23 to be Snowman Day in Maine. The embattled Governor also helped a group of school children build several snowmen, and told the crowd that this detachment would be assigned to protecting the Blaine House from any Zombie intruders.
Thank you, Maine’s Snowmen, for all you do to keep us safe! You are true heroes!