Declaration Of Independence Never Notarized; America Reverts To British Rule

signingA British court today ruled that The Declaration of Independence was never properly notarized, meaning that America never legally declared its independence from England.

As a result, on the eve of Independence Day, The United States of America has ceased to exist, and is once again part of Great Britain.

Needless to say, the news sent a shock wave across the landmass formerly known as America the Beautiful, as it spread like wildfire from sea to shining sea.

Former President Obama chose not to comment, and was seen fleeing the White House in a helicopter bound for Camp David.  Members of the Queen’s Guard soon after appeared outside the gates of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue amidst rumors that Queen Elizabeth would be arriving this weekend to stay at her new country estate.

Former Vice President Biden, upon seeing Obama leave, declared himself President of the United States.  British soldiers immediately arrested Biden and locked him in the Washington Monument, which has apparently been turned into a British prison.

Cameron“The Fifty Colonies, as they shall be called, are welcomed back to the British Empire with open arms,” Prime Minister David Cameron announced in a news conference.  “Since they are no longer part of an independent nation, the Independence Day Holiday has been canceled.  All British Americans are expected to work tomorrow to start earning tax dollars for the Empire!”

Cameron then informed the gathered press that the Royal Family had been appointed rulers of the Fifty Colonies, and that Washington, DC would be turned into a giant Royal Estate.  According to the latest reports, the Capitol Building is now the Royal Baby’s play pen, and only pure blooded Brits are allowed to enter the area formerly known as the District of Columbia.

Prince Charles then decreed the following on behalf of his Mumsie: “British Americans shall henceforth drive on the left hand side of the road.  Soccer is now your favorite sport.  The British version of “The Office” is the only version of the program allowed on television.  Hugh Grant is a national treasure.”

This Modern Philosopher could not understand how this sudden jarring return to British rule could be legal, so I conferred with Cy Brown, Maine’s leading lawyer and a good friend of the blog.

Declaration“It’s all legal, Austin,” Cy broke the news sadly.  “British law is very strict, and our forefathers should have known to get the Declaration of Independence notarized.  This was a real amateur mistake.”

Can we fight this decision?  Can we get this  reversed?  Will we have to go to war again to gain our independence from the Brits?

“The British legal system moves incredibly slowly,” Cy explained.  “It took them almost 250 years to make this ruling.  War might be the fastest option, but who wants a sequel to The Revolutionary War?”

Cy did have a point, but he looked so damn uncomfortable in the puffy white wig he was now forced to wear as a British American lawyer.  I think that after another week in that wig, he’ll be ready for war.

So what are we to do?  Should we just accept this and pretend that Ricky Gervais runs a better paper company than Steve Carell?  Are we really supposed to act like soccer isn’t the world’s most boring sport?  Must we truly acquire a taste for shepherd’s pie?

I am hereby declaring The House on the Hill a refuge for all Americans who want to fight British rule, continue to love baseball, and never make use of a water closet.

new flagTomorrow is Independence Day, and we will celebrate as we always do!  We will overeat, blow up things, and argue with family…

In other words, we are going to continue to live the American dream.  Notarize that, you Benny Hill loving oppressors!

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

77 Responses to Declaration Of Independence Never Notarized; America Reverts To British Rule

  1. tisfortea says:

    You sure I can’t tempt you with a cup of tea?

  2. REALLY???? And here I thought that Congress had already proved (daily) that the Capitol Building was a playpen. ( !!!! )

  3. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

  4. ashleyomelia says:

    Hilarious! Love it!

  5. Lorra B. says:

    OMGOSH! Now THAT was funny! Loved how you threw in Huge Grant…classic!

  6. Lorra B. says:

    Reblogged this on SilentSoldier and commented:
    A must read to keep in the good spirits and festivities of our Independence Day…or is it? HAHAHA!

  7. AmyRose says:

    Now you know why I stay away from the insanities of politics.

  8. howardat58 says:

    Demn those colonies. How shell (parposely) we get rid of them this tame?

  9. This made me laugh out loud! In fact, my biggest laugh of the day. Oh, America. Happy weekend, Austin!

  10. List of X says:

    So, we get soccer, metric system, and nationwide healthcare? I’m in.

  11. markbialczak says:

    As a tip of the hat to our many British friends, Austin, I will admit that for a moment there, I felt royally flushed!

  12. mercurynii says:

    Black cabs, double-decker buses, tea-time, Big Ben is taking over Time Square ….heck! British-Americans are in for a drool of a rollercoaster.

  13. mercurynii says:

    Reblogged this on piusharvey and commented:
    The Boston Tea Party has to be rerun *facepalm*

  14. Rebekah says:

    Funny stuff. I’m reading more…

  15. Austin says:

    Reblogged this on The Return of the Modern Philosopher and commented:

    Happy Independence Day! I still can’t believe that none of the Founding Fathers was a Notary!

  16. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    Don’t worry once they see the National debt they will give it back. Great post!!!

  17. roweeee says:

    Reblogged this on beyondtheflow and commented:
    I wonder if Australia could claim independence from Britain due to a similar legal loophole? Dare I mention”terra nullus”? Humph….xx Rowena.

  18. As an American citizen I strongly reject everything imposed by the Crown except for Hugh Grant. Those twinkly blue eyes are a national treasure. And I encourage Australia to go for it!
    Life & Faith in Caneyhead

  19. TanGental says:

    Well, tell you what. If you take, say, a dozen Royals, release them into the wild where they can hunt and shoot the unspeakable and the uneatable, we’ll call it quits. Can’t say fairer than that. Oh and if you’d take Gwnny Paltrow back as well, you can have first dibs on the Falklands. Lovely post.

  20. Heartafire says:

    hysterical…they still want us back.

  21. Some days I believe they wouldn’t take us back on a bet! Clever post.

  22. marilynmunrow says:

    Reblogged this on Marilyn Munrow and commented:
    Oh my goodness, this is so funny. Like they would like us to be still part of them. They cannot look after themselves.

  23. Doug DeBug says:

    Puffy white wig! A fun read that leaves you smiling 🙂

  24. LOL Thank god…no more spotted dick! America…what a country!!! 😀

  25. Happy Fourth, Austin. ;o)

  26. Glenda says:

    Hells bells – it wouldn’t be any worse for us working folk, except for perhaps the Hugh Grant being a national treasure part…

  27. Reblogged this on Books and More and commented:
    Interesting, funny…and a bit sad if you think about it. A lot of people think this should happen because of how poorly we have acted in the past and presently. There are times I believe we would do better under their rule. What about you?

  28. Tim Gatewood says:

    As a Tennessee notary, I approve this blog post ! Funny, funny stuff ! 😀

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