As a result, on the eve of Independence Day, The United States of America has ceased to exist, and is once again part of Great Britain.
Needless to say, the news sent a shock wave across the landmass formerly known as America the Beautiful, as it spread like wildfire from sea to shining sea.
Former President Obama chose not to comment, and was seen fleeing the White House in a helicopter bound for Camp David. Members of the Queen’s Guard soon after appeared outside the gates of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue amidst rumors that Queen Elizabeth would be arriving this weekend to stay at her new country estate.
Former Vice President Biden, upon seeing Obama leave, declared himself President of the United States. British soldiers immediately arrested Biden and locked him in the Washington Monument, which has apparently been turned into a British prison.
“The Fifty Colonies, as they shall be called, are welcomed back to the British Empire with open arms,” Prime Minister David Cameron announced in a news conference. “Since they are no longer part of an independent nation, the Independence Day Holiday has been canceled. All British Americans are expected to work tomorrow to start earning tax dollars for the Empire!”
Cameron then informed the gathered press that the Royal Family had been appointed rulers of the Fifty Colonies, and that Washington, DC would be turned into a giant Royal Estate. According to the latest reports, the Capitol Building is now the Royal Baby’s play pen, and only pure blooded Brits are allowed to enter the area formerly known as the District of Columbia.
Prince Charles then decreed the following on behalf of his Mumsie: “British Americans shall henceforth drive on the left hand side of the road. Soccer is now your favorite sport. The British version of “The Office” is the only version of the program allowed on television. Hugh Grant is a national treasure.”
This Modern Philosopher could not understand how this sudden jarring return to British rule could be legal, so I conferred with Cy Brown, Maine’s leading lawyer and a good friend of the blog.
“It’s all legal, Austin,” Cy broke the news sadly. “British law is very strict, and our forefathers should have known to get the Declaration of Independence notarized. This was a real amateur mistake.”
Can we fight this decision? Can we get this reversed? Will we have to go to war again to gain our independence from the Brits?
“The British legal system moves incredibly slowly,” Cy explained. “It took them almost 250 years to make this ruling. War might be the fastest option, but who wants a sequel to The Revolutionary War?”
Cy did have a point, but he looked so damn uncomfortable in the puffy white wig he was now forced to wear as a British American lawyer. I think that after another week in that wig, he’ll be ready for war.
So what are we to do? Should we just accept this and pretend that Ricky Gervais runs a better paper company than Steve Carell? Are we really supposed to act like soccer isn’t the world’s most boring sport? Must we truly acquire a taste for shepherd’s pie?
I am hereby declaring The House on the Hill a refuge for all Americans who want to fight British rule, continue to love baseball, and never make use of a water closet.
In other words, we are going to continue to live the American dream. Notarize that, you Benny Hill loving oppressors!