Uncle Sam Wants You To Wear A Mask

Happy Independence Day, Modern Philosophers!

I know it’s not the same since you’re stuck at home, the fireworks have been canceled, and a pandemic is sweeping through the nation and killing your fellow Americans, but try to remember what it is we celebrate today.

Let’s make one thing perfectly clear on our nation’s birthday: America wants to live to celebrate another birthday.

So wear your damn mask when you go out in public!

Uncle Sam wants you to wear a mask.  Don’t mess with the dude.  He might look old, but he kicked King George’s ass, so he won’t have any trouble with yours.

And before you go into your whole prepared speech about how Independence Day is about having the freedom to choose not to wear a mask, let me just stop you and tell you not to be a selfish prick on the day that celebrates our independence from an oppressive, close-minded ruler.

Do you really think our forefathers fought the Revolutionary War just so that the new nation they created could be wiped out because you won’t put a cloth covering over your mouth and nose?

They were willing to sacrifice their lives for their beliefs.  You are willing to sacrifice the lives of others for your belief that not all men are created equally responsible for wearing a mask to help stop the spread of a pandemic.

I know you’re just following the lead of your beloved President, who tells you that you don’t need to wear a mask, and that wearing a mask would make him look weak.

Haven’t you figured out by now, though, that your President doesn’t care about you or the country?  He just cares about himself and how much he’s liked.

Trump is like a babysitter who only cares about being popular.  He needs the kids to love him, so he lets them have ice cream for dinner, allows them to stay up late playing video games, and encourages them to throw shit off the roof because he thinks that’s funny.

When the parents gets home, he grabs his money, revels in the adoration of the kids, and then splits before he has to deal with the fallout of what he allowed to happen.  Then he expects the kids to tell other kids how awesome he is so he gets more babysitting gigs.

Stop thinking like a spoiled kid strung out on sugar and planning for the next night of video game debauchery.

Instead, try to approach things like a mature adult who isn’t so self-centered.

Put on a mask when you go out in public.  Stop picking on and cursing at the poor employees who are just doing their jobs.  Stop acting like the world revolves around you.  Stop emulating someone who is just using you to line his pockets and get re-elected.

And, yes, you do have the right to do whatever you choose.  That doesn’t mean you’re right if you choose to put your needs before the health and welfare of the rest of the country.

I hope you choose not to be a selfish prick, and force Uncle Sam to kick your ass…