Wear A Mask Or You’re Going On The Naughty List

Santa Claus is coming to town, Modern Philosophers, and he’s intent on helping to enforce masking laws to keep us all safe from the Coronavirus.

“If you don’t wear a mask, you’re going on the Naughty List. It’s that simple!” Santa explained in a new PSA set to air around the globe beginning today.

Later, in a Zoom press conference to discuss the importance of wearing a mask, the big guy further explained his involvement in the pro-mask crusade.

“I know this Christmas might not seem like all the previous ones, but the whole point of wearing a mask is to ensure there are many more Christmases to come,” he assured the press. “Some people think of wearing a mask as a huge sacrifice of their personal rights, but isn’t Christmas supposed to be about giving? In other words, act like you give a crap about someone other than yourself!”

Santa’s serious tone took everyone by surprise, but then he followed up his comment with a classic “Ho! Ho! Ho!”, and suddenly, all was right with the world.

When a rabid anti-masker demanded to know why Santa Claus was often seen without a mask, he set his accuser straight. “I’m a magical being. I’m immortal. Nothing can kill me, not even the stupidity and selfishness of certain people.”

St. Nick also clarified a key sticking point to the whole “being put on the Naughty List” threat.

“There are people out there in red hats, who are going to claim they don’t believe in me, so the threat of a spot on the Naughty List is an empty threat. Since these folks clearly don’t listen to reason, and prefer to deal with threats and fear, I’m going to speak in a way they will understand.”

“I’m not going to put you on the Naughty List,” Santa Claus declared somberly. “I’m going to put your child on the Naughty List. If you don’t have a child, it will be your sibling, a young relative, your significant other’s kiddo, or some random child, who will then be told that you are the reason she’s only getting coal from Santa this year. In other words, you will be punished for your refusal to be a decent human being.”

Jolly Old St. Nick then defused the tense situation with his answer to the question of what he intends to bring President Trump for Christmas.

“I’m going to cover all his moving costs to get him out the White House and to anyplace he wants to go in the world,” he quipped.

Santa Claus ended the Zoom meeting by promising that everyone who regularly wears a mask will be rewarded on Christmas Day.

“Not every gift appears wrapped in a box under a tree,” he reminded his audience.

“But since it is Christmas, I’m going to leave an extra gift for all the faithful mask wearers out there!”