The National Weather Center has just issued an Ice Age Warning for the entire state of Maine, Modern Philosophers!
According to the advisory, this alert is in effect for the entire weekend and possibly the next 300 – 500 years. Maine residents are advised to stay calm, not make a mad dash for the I-95 in their vehicles, and to put on some nice clothes so that when their frozen bodies are discovered in blocks of ice centuries from now, they will look good in the photographs taken of the event.
I’m a Modern Philosopher, not a Meteorologist, so I called my friend Stormy McBlizzardton, the Accu-Weather guy over at Channel 6 News in Bangor, to ask him exactly what an Ice Age Warning was and how it might affect me.
“To be honest, Austin, I’ve never heard of such a warning,” Stormy confessed in a harried voice. “All my years of training, however, tell me this means we are all seriously #$%^&*! I’m headed up to the roof to catch a ride to Canada on the newscopter. Good luck!”
Since Stormy couldn’t give me a definitive answer, I turned to the next best source of information: the internet.
According to my research, Modern Philosophers, Mainers are about to either be turned into adorable cartoon characters voiced by Ray Roman, Denis Leary, Cedric the Entertainer, and John Leguizamo, or we are about to be encased in icy tombs and then covered over in tons of snow.
Neither option sounds very attractive.
I’m still a cynical New Yorker at heart, so I’m just going to ignore this warning, go about my life at The House on the Hill, and see what happens. If it gets too cold, I’ll just hop on Gary the Gargoyle’s back and have him fly me someplace tropical.
Stay warm, Modern Philosophers! Remember what happened to those poor Wooly Mammoths!
The Return of the Modern Philosopher 
I slept in today until about 8 AM. It was Minus 2 F. We have warmed all the way up to 6 ABOVE Zero as of Noon EST.
A foot of snow or more is on the way.
Not to mention the Ice Age.
Does Gary the Gargoyle have a passenger seat?
Gary only seats one, by Flying Monkeys Airlines does have some openings on its remaining flights for the weekend… 🙂
That’s bananas!
You might be able to pay in bananas if you can find any unfrozen ones at this point. Good luck with that!
Are they sold out of long underwear and cozy socks yet?
I’m not leaving The House on the Hill, so I have no idea.
Smart choice. I guess you already have yours.
I just wear my fur lined togas. All of them at once!
If the mammoths were underdressed for the cold, what hope do we have?!
I guess the mammoths didn’t have social media to warn them of the oncoming Ice Age event… 🙂
That or they couldn’t work the Facebook app on their smart phones because they didn’t have fingers…
Couldn’t they just use their tusks?
How many wooly mammoths can stand on the end of a pin? And, how long can they stand there in this cold weather?
I’ll have the interns research those questions and get back to you…