Reject The Election Results, But Not The Jokes!

the setHappy Sunday, Modern Philosophers!

It’s not snowing today, so it’s a much better Sunday than last week.  However, Governor LePage did win re-election on Tuesday, so maybe this Sunday is worse.

What I do know is that a new episode of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman aired last night, so I can share some of my jokes that did not make it onto TV.  This week, I had two jokes in the monologue, and three more in a bit Danny did later in the show about little known Maine Election Day Ballot Proposals.

I should forewarn you that most of the jokes I am about to share deal with Election Day and Governor LePage’s surprising re-election.  I am also going to sprinkle in some behind the scenes photos that I took during the taping.

Without any further babbling, here are the Rejects!

Paul LePage has been re-elected Governor of Maine.  Naturally, the one thought that has been running through my head since Tuesday has been, “Thank God for term limits!”

While it is true that Governor LePage has won re-election, there is absolutely no evidence to substantiate the rumor that he ate his opponent, Mike Michaud, to celebrate his victory…

Paul LePage has been re-elected Governor of Maine.  Moments after the results were announced, the CDC ordered that Maine be quarantined from the rest of the country…

Paul LePage has been re-elected Governor Maine, further fueling speculation that Maine is not an actual place, and that we are all just characters trapped inside the scariest Stephen King novel of all…

Dave GutterPaul LePage won a second term as Governor of Maine, proving that while a great concept, Democracy doesn’t always work…

Note: That’s Dave Gutter, lead singer of The Rustic Overtones, who was the musical guest.

Maine Game Wardens report that bears have been fleeing the state in record numbers since Election Day.  While speculation is that the bears are leaving due to the defeat of the Bear Baiting Referendum, several bears told Game Wardens they simply couldn’t take four more years of Governor LePage…

Paul LePage has been re-elected Governor of Maine.  Filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan, best known for “The Sixth Sense”, was quoted as saying, “Wow.  Even I didn’t see that ending coming!”

Even though he finished a distant third, Eliot Cutler is demanding a recount in the Gubernatorial Election.  It’s not that he’s disputing the results.  He simply can’t believe that so many people actually voted for him…

Governor LePage was re-elected, and to celebrate, he visited the all you can eat buffet at his favorite Chinese restaurant.  In related news, Governor LePage’s favorite Chinese restaurant has just filed for bankruptcy…

Some Rejects from the bit on little known Maine Election Day Ballot Proposals:

Dan & JoeThe state speed limit shall be raised to 88mph, but only for DeLoreans.

Due to stricter drinking laws, everyone entering Bar Harbor must now be carded.

Brewer High School may continue to call its teams The Witches, but only if the Town Council agrees to be referred to as The Flying Monkeys.

It is now illegal to trap any Maine town inside of a dome.

The state is no longer responsible for the removal of yellow snow.

All flags in the state shall fly at half mast on Erectile Dysfunction Day.

nite logoWhat did you think of the Rejects, Modern Philosophers?  Did any of them elicit a chuckle?

The Nite Show airs on Saturday nights in Maine, and you can support the show by liking it on Facebook, visiting its You Tube page, or following it on Twitter @TheNiteShowME.

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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16 Responses to Reject The Election Results, But Not The Jokes!

  1. Austin, stop it with the jokes already–you’re killing me. They all gave me a chuckle. I liked the Stephen King character joke. The “bears” joke about Gov. LePage’s reelection–to which I would add, they’re not going to like the competition for food and carrion. The favorite Chinese restaurant closed with a note on the window, “You come, you eat, go home–not stay four hours. We quit!”

  2. ksbeth says:

    oops, i like the chinese buffet/bankruptcy one the best )

  3. JED says:

    I think the dome being illegal should be on the ballot in every state. The Delorean speed limit and the Maine being just in a King novel both made me smile and laugh.

  4. floridaborne says:

    I liked the one about eating an opponent and the speed limit being changed to 88 mph (I was eating soup when I read it and almost sprayed my keyboard).

  5. LucyJartz says:

    My favoirte part was “further fueling speculation that Maine is not an actual place”, although others (the DeLorean and dome jokes) also got a chuckle out of me. My husband did not get any of the Governor LePage jokes, sorry. He’s from Dubuque.

  6. orangejade5 says:

    hi guys from austins neighborhood. Honestly, even though i don;t know governor lepage background they still made me laugh. The chinese restaurant thing very funny. I have manged to catch a show on youtube it looks like fun. best of luck for next week. ??? for ya. on my roadtrip i have seen lots of dead kangaroos.. Do animals come back as zombies??

    • Austin says:

      I’m glad you liked them. I’m not sure is animals can come back as Zombies, but it would be wise to take precautions. The Boy Scouts taught me to always be prepared…

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