How To Tell If Your Date Plans To Kill You

Now that we’ve established that I’m not very good at reading women, I’ve decided I need to be better prepared for my next date.

Friends are always telling me to be more careful about meeting women via online dating.  I didn’t think much of it as I didn’t see a blind date as much of a threat.  However, now that my eyes have been opened to how naive I am, I realize I must fear for my life every time I’m on a first date.

So, I decided to come up with various lists to prepare me for pretty much anything.  I thought I’d share this one with you first, Modern Philosophers.

Please note, this is not meant to be sexist.  Since I am a male who dates females, the date in this post will be referred to as a woman.  The information works just as well for male dates, so just change the pronouns to fit your needs.

How To Tell If You Date Plans To Kill You… 

Ask her to pick the place for the date.  If she picks some out of the way locale, recommends a hike deep into the woods, decides to take you sailing, wants to go to a cemetery, or proposes hanging out at that abandoned building at the edge of town that everyone suspects is haunted, she plans to kill you.

Be especially suspicious if you see a shovel, a tarp, duct tape, rope, handcuffs, flashlights, a body bag, chains, or anything that can be used to weigh down a body.

Ask her to pick you up.  If she asks you to ride in the trunk or to hide under a blanket in the backseat, she is doing that so that no one sees you in her vehicle as she plans to kill you.  The same logic holds true if she announces that she’s mapped out a route that avoids traffic cameras and any security cameras along the way.

If she asks you to put on gloves, a hairnet, and booties over your shoes before you get into her car, she is planning to kill you.  She wants you to wear those things to prevent your DNA from getting inside her vehicle.

Ask her flat out if she plans to kill you.  If she says “No” too quickly and/or emphatically, or simply laughs off the question and immediately changes the subject, she plans to kill you.

If she has no plan to kill you, she will most likely go off on a rant about how much of an idiot you are for having brought up the question.  Of course, the big risk here is that you will upset her so much that she will decide to kill you.  So, when you ask, be prepared to laugh it off, or to distract her with something like a magic trick or the gift of jewelry.

Tell her you are deathly allergic to something, and then ask her to order for you while you go to the bathroom.  If she orders you something that contains that item, she plans to kill you.

I highly recommend that you NEVER tell your date about any deathly allergies, just to be on the safe side.  You don’t want that to come back to bite you at a later date.

Check for tails or any suspicious characters taking too much of an interest in the two of you.  If anyone is following you or watching you on your date, it’s most likely someone working with your date to kill you.  This is a very scary scenario because it probably means she’s killed before, had some trouble doing it on her own, and now understands that she needs professional help to get the job done right.

Pat her down for weapons.  Try to make it playful like you are giving her the world’s longest, most intrusive hug, but really pat her down well.  Don’t forget to check her purse.  Women carry everything they need to survive in there, but I’m sure she could make a little room for a weapon.

Clearly, if she is armed, she plans to kill you.  There is no other reason to carry a concealed weapon on a date.

Plant a female friend at the location, have her follow your date into the restroom, and then have your friend make small talk with her.  Instruct your friend ask your date if she plans to kill you.  For some reason, women are oddly truthful with total stranger in restrooms.  If she answers in the affirmative, she plans to kill you.

Find a way to access her browser history before your date.  If there are any suspicious internet searches like “How to get away with murdering your date” or “The best way to look good while committing murder on a date”, then she plans to kill you.

Reveal that your doctor just told you that you have only three months to live.  If she acts all relieved and like a huge burden has just been lifted from her shoulders, she had planned to kill you.

This one will buy you some time, but if you’re still seeing her in three months, you’re going to be in trouble again.

Paperwork.  If she asks you to list her as the beneficiary on the life insurance policy she purchased for you as a first date gift, she plans to kill you.

Hopefully, these tips will keep you safe and help you to find true love before you meet with a grisly and untimely death…