Is Walmart The Perfect Place For A First Date?

walmartI survived a Saturday morning trip to Walmart, Modern Philosophers, and I feel like I’ve been given a new lease on life.

While I was trying to complete my mission and make it out alive, the Deep Thought occurred to me that Walmart might be the perfect place for a first date.

Call me crazy (I’ve heard worse!), but I think I’m on to something here.  Since I want your dating experiences to be perfect, I am going to make my case for why you should be planning your next date at Walmart.

As always, I’ll add the disclaimer that I am a man who dates women, so the date in this post will be referred to as a female.  However, these tips will work for anyone…

bad dateThere’s nowhere to go but up.  I know the buzz around the bar is that you should do everything you can to sweep your date off her feet on the first date, but I don’t agree.

While making a good first impression is very important, I’ve realized that if I hit it out of the park on the first date, I need to keep topping myself on each subsequent date.

If I start high, it’s very difficult to keep raising the bar.  However, if I plan the first date at Walmart, there’s nowhere to go but up.

The People of Walmart will make you look exponentially more attractive.  Walmart is infamous for its oddball (to put it nicely) customers with their “unique” dress code.  If you bring your date to Walmart, you WILL be the best looking guy there.  In addition, she will be the best looking woman in the joint, and that’s going to make her feel very good.  Bonus points for stroking her ego without even appearing to do so.

date 2Walmart has an excellent return policy.  Say what you will about Walmart, but they make it easy to return products.  They offer cash, store credit, or simply allow you to exchange one item for another.

One would have to assume that the store would honor this policy with your date.

Should your date not go as planned, simply bring your receipt to the Customer Service Desk, and ask to exchange your date for another.  Of course, you would have to pick your new date from what’s currently in stock, and we’ve already established that the People of Walmart are odd.

However, if this post goes viral and people start dating at Walmart, you will have a wider selection of dates to choose from when you return yours.

It’s easy to get lost there.  I’ve always advised you to arrive at your date early so you can learn the layout and find the location of all the exits in case you have a Stage Five Clinger and need to abort the mission immediately.

At Walmart, you don’t need to do that (although I still advise you to do so…better safe than sorry!) because the place is so huge.  If the date suddenly goes south and you need to bug out, it’s simple to ditch your companion, get lost in the crowd, and exit at your leisure.

Hell, you might as well get in some shopping while you’re there.  They do have some excellent deals.

date 1Rollbacks mean a cheap date.  First dates are tricky.  You want to be a gentleman and not seem cheap, so you’re apt to pick up the tab regardless of how it goes.

This is why meeting for a drink is a great first date.  You can call it a night after one round and it’s not a major hit to the wallet.

Walmart is always rolling back prices, so that makes for a cheap date.  Even if you don’t think a second date is in the cards, buy her a nice parting gift for putting up with you.  Who doesn’t love a candle?

Helpful staff is there if you need them.  How many times have you been on a first date and wished you could phone a friend or flag down a lifeguard because you were dating drowning?

Walmart is staffed by nice folks.  If your date isn’t going well, flag down someone in a blue vest and ask for assistance.  That’s why they’re there.  Help them help you.

date 3You can learn so much by observing someone’s shopping habits.  Does she insist on pushing the cart?  Does she buy things for herself, or does she seek out items for you?  Does she have expensive taste?  Does she have good taste?  Does she buy anything that sends up a red flag?  Is she a shoplifter?

Shopping limits interrogation time.  I hate a first date that turns into an interrogation, so spending your time shopping will limit the questions.  It also allows you to steer the conversation to the items you’re purchasing.

If there’s any awkward silences, the People of Walmart make for excellent chat topics.

date 4Convenient hours.  Sometimes, it’s hard to find a place that’s open around when you want to go on a date.

You might not always want to blow a night on a first date.  Walmart opens early, so schedule that first date for 9AM and you’ve still got your night free to hang out with friends or catch a movie.

You can get your hair cut and your taxes done at Walmart.  There’s food for sale, and often a fast food place inside the store.  There are giant screen TVs on display, and they’ll often hook up video game system to them.  Did I mention Walmart sells alcohol?

You’d never run out of things to do at Walmart.  Hell, you could go on multiple first dates there in the same week and not do the same thing twice.

Give Walmart a shot, Modern Philosophers, and do it now before everyone else is doing it.  Your date will be impressed that you suggested it…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor, Philosophy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to Is Walmart The Perfect Place For A First Date?

  1. floridaborne says:

    You could consider going to Sam’s club on days they’re offering free samples as an appetizer. Then off to a Wal-Mart and dinner at McD’s to talk about sports over a burger.

    Hmmm….Wal-Mart might be missing out on a potential land mine…uh, I mean gold mine. The Wal-Mart dating website where you can safely meet a possible paramour on-line and have your first date att their couples-only bar. There could be an exit by the bathrooms for people who want to leave in haste. 🙂

    Can you imagine how many condoms they’d sell?

  2. D. Parker says:

    This sounds like an interesting dating idea, one I’d never, really never, ever considered.
    Thank you for the Rolled Back food for thought. 😉

  3. henriettamross14 says:

    Exchange? Bahahaha, that made me giggle.

  4. kalabalu says:

    I have nominated you for the 3 day quote challenge. Please go to the link below for more details.
    https://bjgaulton.wordpress.com/2015/06/21/quote-challenge-day-3-laughter-by-Kalabalu/
    if the link doesn’t work , then please visit my last post. Thanks

  5. kalabalu says:

    sorry..I forgot to change the link…how embarrassing

    https://kalabalu.wordpress.com/2015/06/21/quote-challenge-day-3-laughter-by-Kalabalu/
    if the link doesn’t work , then please visit my last post. Thanks

  6. List of X says:

    Sounds like a cheap date… and that’s what you’ll be known as after it. 🙂

  7. There’s so much right in this seemingly wrong idea. You can wander through the movie and music section to see if their likes are similar to your own. Grab a drink and settle into lawn chairs in the garden section for a nice chat or pull those lawn chairs over to the televisions and catch whatever flick is playing. Bust out a board game or go for a bike ride. The possibilities are truly endless.

    I see a dating reality tv show in this idea, Austin.

  8. Ginny Wilcox says:

    OMG, if i weren’t already married, I’d certainly give walmart a try. Great tips, thank you.

  9. Hannah G says:

    Every couple of months I think “I need these few things and it’ll be so convenient, I’ll just run into Walmart. It’ll be fiiiiiine. Fun, even!” Then half an hour later I emerge, confused and frustrated, feeling like I need a shower, carrying nothing from my list but lots of other items I neither want nor need.

    So basically it’s already a date.

  10. onlybadchi says:

    AHAHAHHAHAH this is brilliant!

  11. kriskkaria says:

    You’re striking gold with this dating advice. I’m just going to keep narrating if that’s ok with you. I sent out a special Tweet mentioning you about the latest dating podcast of your work, too.

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