Are You Dating Your Imaginary Friend?

It’s Saturday night, Modern Philosophers, and since no one loves me or wants to go out with me, I will be spending another Date Night alone at The House on the Hill.

I’m not going to let my inability to find a date prevent me from offering you dating advice, though.

I am well aware that some of you are luckier in love than I, and I want to make sure that you have the best dating tips available to you before you head out for the night.

In tonight’s post, I’m going to address an issue that comes up in the dating world more often that you might realize: Are you dating your imaginary friend?

As always, since I am a man who (tries to) date women, the date in this post will be female. However, this tips are meant to help both sexes.

Let’s figure out if you’re dating your imaginary friend…

Is she exactly how you always pictured your perfect girlfriend to be? No date is ever perfect, but your imaginary friend usually is. Why would you conjure up a flawed best buddy?

Look at your date, Modern Philosophers. Is she everything you always wanted?

If you see your dream girl smiling lovingly back at you, I hate to break it to you, but you’re most likely dating your imaginary friend.

Does she have an awesome sense of humor and laugh at all your jokes? We both know you’re absolutely hilarious, but for some reason, the women you date don’t always seem to get your jokes, do they?

On top of that, your dates are usually a little too serious, don’t have a good handle on what’s funny, and usually follow up “The funniest thing happened to me” with some long, boring story that makes your brain ache.

If you’re dating someone who’s as funny as you definitely are, then I’m guessing she is your imaginary friend.

She never asks awkward questions or brings up your exes, right? If I could ever get through a first date without having to talk about my past relationships, I’d call the Vatican to tell Pope Francis that I’d just witnessed a miracle.

On that same note, I think I’ve earned a dating Gold Glove for all the ridiculously awkward questions I’ve had to field.

I told you about the first date who asked me how my Mom died, right? I expect the weird and uncomfortable questions, but that one definitely caught me off guard.

If you don’t experience this on your dates, your are either insanely lucky, or you are dating your imaginary friend.

Does the waitress look at you like you have three heads when you order two drinks and two entrees? That’s a definite giveaway, Modern Philosophers. While your server certainly doesn’t mind your driving up the bill since it should increase her tip, the fact that she’s giving you the crazy eyes is because you’re sitting alone and ordering like there’s someone else at the table with you.

I hope you’re close to the door because you might need to make a quick getaway if she decides to call in a Code Red to the local mental hospital.

Are your friends and family always asking you when you’re going to start seeing someone? I agree with you, Modern Philosophers, they should just mind their own business.

However, if you were dating a real person, they wouldn’t be asking, now would they?

Does your therapist start paying more attention and take voluminous notes when you talk about your relationship? How do I know you’re seeing a therapist? I think you’re missing the point.

The fact is, if the therapist never stops writing and keeps muttering something about “finally getting published”, you are clearly saying something intriguing.

So unless you’re telling your therapist about your affair with a well known celebrity, the sudden interest is probably because you’re talking about your imaginary friend as if she is real and madly in love with you. Again.

Does everything she says make perfect sense, and not leave your brain feeling like its been pureed, seasoned with Tabasco sauce, and then poured back into your skull to gel? Then you either need a hearing test, or you’re dating your imaginary friend. Either way, seek help.

Do you leave the date still believing in love and romance? Awww. That’s sweet. You’re clearly a character in a romantic comedy, seriously deluded, living in denial, or dating your imaginary friend. I hope it’s the first one because I love romantic comedies.

Does she let you drive her time machine and use her lightsaber after you leave the restaurant? If she does, then can I have her number?