A Christmas Letter To Donald Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Happy Holidays!  I hope this letter finds you filled with the Christmas Spirit, as you well should be, given the enormous lead you currently have in the polls over the other Republican Presidential contenders.

I’m not one for writing Christmas letters to total strangers, but I feel as if I know you because you have done such an amazing job of making yourself a constant presence in my life via the news and social media.

I am well aware that you are a busy man, but who doesn’t love getting mail?

Thank you for making writing so much easier for me.  My blog posts about you are always very popular, regardless how over the top I make them.  The thing is, you’re so over the top already, that my readers believe that anything I write, no matter how outlandish, could actually be something you said or did.

You’re always at the top of my list when I’m writing monologue jokes for The Nite Show.  You are such an inspiration that I swear you must have a natural nose for comedy (even if your recent hosting turn on Saturday Night Live says otherwise).

We taped our Christmas episode this week, and my joke about you and the new Star Wars movie made it into the monologue.  I am incredibly proud of the joke, and think you’ll enjoy it, too.  I will ask my producer to send you a tape of that show.

I am also a screenwriter, and I love to write screenplays with unexpected twists in the third act.

As a screenwriter, I have a natural knack for picking up clues in a story and figuring out what’s going to happen well before the big reveal.  My ex-wife still hates me for whispering in her ear, halfway through “The Usual Suspects”, that Kevin Spacey was Keyser Soze.

So while the rest of the nation is up in arms about your ridiculously racist and close-minded comments, I’m onto you, Mr. Trump.  I know you are just setting us all up for the big twist as the Republican Convention draws closer.

You’re suddenly going to tell us that you’re dropping out of the race, that you did this all to make more people care about the 2016 election, and then you’re going to admit that everything you said and did was meant ironically to draw attention to some scary prejudices that still exist in this great nation in the 21st Century.

I’m sorry to blow your surprise, and I should have typed “Spoiler Alert” above, but then again, this letter was only meant to be seen by you.

Just in case I’m totally off base and you are truly this bigoted, misogynistic, and caveman-esque, I wanted to discuss something that’s very important to me.

This way, if you are somehow elected President and the world doesn’t come to an immediate end as a result, I’d like you to recall this letter and my attempt at spreading a little Holiday Cheer.

My girlfriend currently lives in Ireland.  My hope is that she will someday move here, and we will eventually get married.

If I’m lucky enough that she agrees to be my wife, and we want to tie the knot during your four years in the White House (we both know you’re only a one term President) I want to make sure we don’t have any problems simply because she wasn’t born in this country.

Yes, I know Ireland has a history with terrorism, but the IRA hasn’t been a problem in years, their fight was with the Brits, and my girlfriend is not from Northern Ireland.

So can I get your word, should you miraculously become the next President of the United States, that you will not stand in the way of my relationship?

It’s all I want for Christmas, Mr. Trump, and I believe that down deep, you know that the whole reason you are running for President is to make a hardworking, white, American male with no arrest record, no problems with drugs, and no illegal immigrants on his payroll, happy.

I can in no way endorse you for President, but I can wish you a Merry Christmas and give you my word that I will not flee to Canada should you be elected.

You also have my word that should you drop out of the race, which is really the right thing for you to do, I will continue to write about you on my blog and in my monologue jokes for The Nite Show.

I know you love the attention, Mr. Trump, and I promise I will continue to give you all that you deserve.

Merry Christmas!

Austin