In a prepared statement distributed to the press, Supreme Leader Snoke declared: “Where I am from, people will follow a powerful political family through anything, even if it leaves them on opposite sides of a struggle. The First Order recognizes Clan Bush as a mighty dynasty, and we look forward to working with soon to be President Bush to make Earth an ally of my people.”
Interestingly, Modern Philosophers, the first Presidential candidate to comment on the endorsement was not its recipient, but rather, the wind bag who never seems to shut up.
“This supposed endorsement from The First Order is an outrage!” Donald Trump exclaimed as his pumpkin face turned a deeper shade of orange. “Those aliens are not registered voters, so who cares who they endorse? If they try to come to Earth to campaign for their chosen one, I’ll have them arrested. I’m going to demand that all Stormtroopers be deported immediately, and that a wall be built around the planet to keep out all members of The First Order.”
“This endorsement means the world to me. Maybe even the galaxy,” Bush chuckled. “I am a Jedi like my father was before me, and I won’t be swayed over to the Dark Side like the current President. That was not a comment on his skin color. Dark Side is a term from the Star Wars universe. My Dad was good friends with Han Solo, and had an autographed replica of his carbonite prison hanging in the Lincoln Bedroom. He like to show it to certain world leaders to intimidate them.”
I didn’t bother to have the interns confirm any of the above statement because I so desperately wanted it all to be true. Now I’m hoping, for purely entertainment reasons, that this endorsement from The First Order propels ole Jeb to victory.
You know, because he’s a Jedi like his father was before him. I wonder if W was one, too.
Of course, the news got the Deep Thoughts flowing, and I wondered why Supreme Leader Snoke had chosen to back Bush rather than some of the other horses in this race.
I asked Kylo Ren, Snoke’s trusted bad ass and a recent guest of the blog, for some insight into this matter.
“Supreme Leader Snoke is genuinely impressed with Governor Bush,” Kylo Ren explained after he (thankfully) removed his tough guy helmet. “He can reach into a person’s mind and see things that the person doesn’t even realize are there. He saw something inside Bush’s mind that let him to believe Jeb was the one.”
I then put Ren on the spot and asked if there was any truth to the rumor that a stipulation of the endorsement was that he had to be named as Bush’s running mate.
He closed his eyes and muttered, “I have seen my destiny, and it is not as the second most powerful man on Earth.”
Then he laughed maniacally and hurled things around the room with his mind.
“How about we change the subject, and I tell you why we passed on some of the other candidates?” he asked once a calm had come over him once again.
“Hillary Clinton might come from a political family, but she married into the Presidency, so her power isn’t nearly as strong or pure as Jeb’s,” Ren explained as he stared at his menacing helmet like he desperately wanted to wear it again.
“Supreme Leader Snoke is not a fan of females in positions of power, unless the are wearing body army and helmets to hide their sex,” he continued with an innocent shrug to indicate that he did not agree with his boss’ sexist views. “The woman is scary and seemingly unbalanced. We worry that she dabbles in an offshoot of the Dark Side of the Force that even the Sith fear to use.”
Speaking of scary and unbalanced, why didn’t The First Order back a neophyte doofus like Donald Trump? Surely his mind is so weak that even a Jedi in the earliest stages of training could manipulate him like a puppet.
A grim look darkened my guest’s handsome face. “The unbalanced ones rise up and murder their masters in their sleep, or hurl them into a great chasm in the second Death Star. A man like Trump, who clearly has given himself over to the Dark Side, should never be allowed to hold so much power.”
Kylo Ren’s sneer did absolutely nothing to calm my anxiety about the possibility of President Trump ruling over this great nation.
“Americans need our support of Governor Bush even more than he does,” the leader of the Knights of Ren stated as if he were reading my Deep Thoughts. “Without The First Order throwing its power and influence behind the Son of Bush, you will have to deal with either Bride of Clinton, or He Who Has No Political Experience And A Chip On His Shoulder. Either way, America will be invaded or nuked into oblivion during the first term.”
So what about Bernie Sanders? Why wouldn’t The First Order back him?
“Are you having a laugh with me?” Kylo Ren asked and could not keep the smile off of his face. “You want the Supreme Leader to support and angry old man trying to urge the populace to rise up against the one percent that holds power?”
“Bernie Sanders is the Rebellion. He is the Republic. He is Supreme Leader Snoke’s worst nightmare. Essentially, he is an angry Obi-Wan Kenobi, and I am no fan of that old desert wizard after what he did to my Grandfather!”
With that, he put on his helmet, snatched his mighty weapon, and did a real number on the room.
The guy has got some serious anger issues that someone, other than this Modern Philosopher, needs to talk about with him.
Kylo Ren then declared that the interview was over, but promised to send me some press material about The First Order and why it supported Jeb Bush.
I didn’t even need to search my Deep Thoughts to know that I had a very bad feeling about this. All I had to do was look at the condition of the interview room to know what happened when The First Order got involved in American politics.
Do you sense a disturbance in the Force, Modern Philosophers, at the news of The First Order’s endorsing Jeb Bush? Do you think there is any chance that their intentions are pure? Or do you think The First Order plans to absorb Earth into its growing empire, and they want Jeb to be the puppet that allows them to gain peaceful entry to our planet?