I’ve been seeing a lot of items posted on social media recently about the questions you need to ask on a first date, Modern Philosophers.
I’d like to share some of the research I’ve been doing since I’ve been back out there on the dating scene.
I’ve also compiled a list of first date questions, but since I like to put my own unique spin on things, my list is of queries you should NEVER make on a first date.
These are more like fourth or fifth date material, which would come in handy if I ever actually made it that far.
Maybe someday. A guy can hope, right?
As always when I write a dating tips post, since I am a man who is interested in dating women, I will refer to the date with female pronouns for the sake of convenience. There is no sexism intended.
These tips are for both men and women. Hope they come in handy!
Are you willing to waive your right to counsel? While this might seem like the ideal ice breaker for a first date, I’ve come to find that it makes women uneasy.
I’ve always said I feel that a first date is like an interrogation, so that’s what makes this one hilarious to me.
Not so much to my dates, though. I’ve finally stopped using it altogether.
Do you mind giving me a blood and DNA sample? You’d think any person would be concerned with safety when meeting a stranger for the first time, but apparently, this question either creeps out or offends my dates.
However, there was one date who had the samples handy, which was a big plus in my book. That is, until we got a hit on her in CODIS for an unsolved murder in Idaho.
Needless to say, there was no second date with her. The silver lining, though, being that the reward money I received for information leading to her arrest did help me finance several more failed first dates.
Did you know that polygamy is legal in some states? While I only meant the question to show that I am open minded and knowledgeable of other belief systems, the dates I asked this one assumed it meant I wanted to have multiple wives.
This is what happens when you jump to conclusions, folks!
Is it okay if your ex joins us? If a first date were a job interview, she would expect me to check her references. Why can’t I do that with dating? I thought it was a great way for someone who knew my dates to speak highly of them and give them glowing reviews. How was I supposed to know they had ended things poorly?
What about bonus points for doing the research and finding out about your background?
Are you like me in that you prefer a June wedding? I actually had a date get up from the table and never return after I asked that question. I get it, you don’t like June, but did you have to ditch me in the middle of a date because we didn’t see eye to eye on one little detail?
I’ve taken to editing this question to the more acceptable: In what month would you prefer to get married? I guess it is more open minded of me to not push my preference on a date by wording the question the original way. Lesson learned.
Do you like bad boys? If so, where do you draw the line on someone being too bad? I’m not really sure what was wrong with this one, but it led to a lot of confused looks and phone calls to friends to let them know exactly where we were and to give them a detailed description of me. Weird, right?
Does this look infected to you? This one is obvious to me now, but at the time, I was just concerned and didn’t want to go to Walk In Care on the weekend if it really wasn’t necessary. You live and learn.
For the record, it was NOT infected.
Could you cut my steak? I ask because it’s a condition of my parole that I cannot be in possession of any sharp objects. I just wanted to see how she’d react. If she was biased towards people with a criminal past, I don’t think she is open minded enough to be the mother of my children.
What’s wrong with that logic? Plus, I’m actually a total klutz and probably would end up cutting myself given the size of the steak knives they have at restaurants these days!
Can your car’s trunk fit a body? I’d like to travel, so if her trunk is big enough to fit a body, I know it would be able to handle all the luggage we’d need for a long vacation.
In hindsight, I probably should’ve simply asked if her car had a large trunk, but I was really afraid she’d take that to mean I was discreetly asking about anal sex.
Wanna see my prison tats? I’d just watched several episodes of Oz and then had a couple of beers. I usually get flirty when I’m tipsy, but I guess in this case, I took on the persona of a hardened criminal.
Let’s just say she got the wrong idea and totally tried to have her way with me in the car on the drive home. I am NOT that kind of first date!
How come you went with a rug in the upstairs hallway when the rest of your home is all beautiful hardwood floors? Apparently, it’s a negative thing to find out where your date lives, and have a look around by posing as a building inspector checking for mold, and convincing the trusting old lady next door who has the spare key to allow you into the house.
Excuse me for wanting to get to know you a little better so we’d have something to talk about on our first date, rather than have it turn into an interrogation.
Would you mind signing this non-disclosure agreement? I have a popular blog, so I can’t have my dates going onto social media and giving away the research I’m doing for future posts.
I need the goings on of our date to remain a secret until I’m ready to blab about it to my nearly 13,000 followers, thank you very much. I’m sorry if that unnerves you.
The list of questions goes on and on, but I’m going to stop here. I’m sure there will be future posts on this topic. Hope this information comes in handy on your next first date.
It’s definitely helping me to understand why I go on so few second dates…
LOL That is the best. EVER. 🙂
Glad you liked it. Feel free to share! 🙂
It’s all so clear now…I have to change my dating style. Thank you, Austin, you’re a life-saver, dating-wise. 😉
I do what I can to keep Modern Philosophers from repeating my mistakes. 🙂
Man, I was ready to get up from my computer while reading those. You certainly did compile quite a list of button-pushers.
I had one man ask me to be tested for venereal diseases. Some first date that was!
I’m glad I could inspire you to get up to exercise! 🙂
I did housework today–bending, stretching, mopping, lifting 50 pound dogs away from where I was trying to clean, etc. But every little bit of exercise helps. 🙂
Reblogged this on IdealisticRebel's Daily View of Favorites.
This was very funny. Cool post.
Thanks. Glad you liked it. Hope the tips come in handy. 🙂
Austin this is priceless !! Loved it !
I’m so glad I am no longer on the dating scene. How would I ever find someone if I couldn’t ask these simple questions?
Lucky! 😛
I know, right?
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Ok so when I read “is it okay if your ex joins us” I immediately thought threesome. I was like, wow, Austin I had no idea! Also, I did have someone show me legit prison tats on a date once. yeah….
I knew you’d have some exciting insights. 🙂
Hehehehehe!!!! Another bestseller in the making 🙂 😂😂😂😂
I’m trying to get enough material for a book. 🙂
🙂
Here’s one that somebody said to me once (just joking, of course — he was so funny). He folded a napkin into a pretty rose and said “Smell it! Does it smell like chloroform?” I still laugh at that to this day.
Chloroform Cowboy! 🙂
Hhaha amusing!!
Thanks. Glad you liked it!
Eh? Yes!
I hope this post changed your life. 🙂
Er? No!
Maybe read it again… 🙂
No, I have met those questions before and we parted company. Haha
Well, you are lucky that you never have to hear or ask them again. 🙂
No, just read them 😉
That’s something of a blessing. 🙂
Well, it looks like you have learned from your mistakes! I’m glad I’m not trying to date! It sounds tough!
It is, but if you ask the right questions, it’s a little easier. 🙂
Reblogged this on Sexual Reminisces.
ROFL! A morning laugh over tea!
Glad you liked it. Hope it helps on your next first date!
As a (happily) married man, I was grateful to relive many of my own past gaffes… Happy Mothers’ Day, Mod Phil!
Happy Mother’s Day…
If I had these questions years ago it would have saved a lot of time. Luckily my wife was willing to work with my stupidity and still does to this day. No more first dates for me.
I might change them a bit and use them for new hires. You think “Can I see your tat’s” or “Have you ever tested the size of your trunk for larger items” would work in a job interview?
There’s only one way to find out…
hahahahaha
Thanks, Pam.
I’ve found that you can get away with most of these (not all but most) if you are much more physically attractive then your date. Your date will often be so grateful for your attention that they are willing to overlook quite a bit. So maybe you just need to change the type of person you date!
So date ugly girls?
All I’m saying is, I was not prepared for how much my dating life improved once I started avoiding the good-looking guys. But to each his own!
Ah. I promise to avoid dating good looking guys. 🙂
Haha! This has made my day. I especially like “Can your car’s trunk fit a body?”
I’m so glad I left that whole dating scene along time ago!
Glad you liked the post, Amanda. Wish you had an identical twin on the dating scene who loved Americans with Brooklyn accents. 🙂
I’m sure she’s out there somewhere! 😉
You identical twin? I wish…
Have you seen the movie Amazon Women on the Moon? There’s a great skit with Steve Gutenberg where his date runs his credit card to get his dating history– of course, his date goes downhill from there. Very funny– much like this post.
Thanks. Glad you liked it. 🙂
Does this look infected? LMAO!
Glad you liked that one. NEVER ask it on a first date, though.
Hilarious! Can I narrate it for my podcast?
Sure. Enjoy. 🙂
My narration of your First Date story is available on my podcast, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. Can I narrate your second dating story, too? I like series.
Sure. There are four of them all together so far…
thanks! I will narrate all 4.
I added #5 the other night. 🙂
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Haha! Or this can also be the things you can say if you dont want a second date :))
Shhhh…don’t give away my escape secrets. 😉
hahaha! I knew it! :))
Glad you shared some of these. I’ll keep them in mind for future reference. I’ve heard a few almost as weird. I’m sure a lot of women could share some doozies.
Hahaha! Oh my Gosh Austin, did you really ask these questions on first dates? Hilarious! 🙂 Hopefully you have learned from your mistakes! Very funny indeed!
I’m pretty sure it was more of a case of my dates asking me those questions. Would you ask me odd questions on a date???
Oh I see! 🙂 I probably would, maybe. I think as you get older and you go on dates you just cut straight to the point and ask the weird questions.
Ah, so you’re saying a date with you would be rather intriguing? 🙂
No, not at all! Ha! I’m just saying in general as people get older, they’re less likely to go with the flow on a date. No wasting time. I’m still young though, so I have a little bit of go with the flow in me! 🙂
I’m just giving you a hard time, my dear. You know, asking you awkward date questions here. 🙂
Ah now, don’t give me a hard time!:) I’m not good with the awkward questions!
Why is that? What are you hiding? Are you hiding halfway across the world because you are in the Witness Protection Program???
Haha! Well if I was I wouldn’t be living in Singapore! 🙂
They don’t let you choose where you get “re-established”. That’s how I wound up in Maine!
Haha! I thought in the U.S. Arizona was the place to be if you were in witness protection, so what are you hiding?! It’s Cork if you’re Irish! 🙂 I guess you’ll never know why I don’t like the awkward questions! 🙂
I can’t tell you what I’m hiding. It needs to stay buried beneath all the snow! And I’ll keep asking the awkward questions until I get answers from you. 🙂
You’ll be waiting a long time…I don’t crack easily! 🙂
Challenge accepted! 🙂
Bring it!
Someone’s feeling sassy! 😉