Save Money By Being Single On Valentine’s Day

Valentine's Day, dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherValentine’s Day is rapidly approaching, Modern Philosophers, and rather than writing another Dating Tips post, I thought I’d talk economics.

With the stock market recently doing a swan dive, and Republican lawmakers looking to change the tax code so that they get all the money, there’s no better time for us to keep an eye on what little income we have.

Since that’s the case, I’m going to recommend that you stay single on Valentine’s Day so that you can save a boatload of cash.

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is a big time racket created by the greeting card, chocolate, jewelry, and flower companies to line their pockets in order to help them buy more Republican politicians to further change the laws in their favor.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but a nice card and a box of chocolates will no longer cut it on February 14th.  At least not if you want to remain in a happy relationship.

According to all the commercials interrupting my shows this month, you don’t really love your significant other unless you are showering her with diamonds, and making sure she walks only on a path of rose petals (with roses costing about $100 a dozen this time of year) the entire day.

Valentine's Day, dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherAnd you can’t buy a simple heart shaped box of chocolates anymore.  Not even the fancy kind with the road map inside the lid that shows her what’s inside each piece of chocolate, lest she mistakenly bite into one that displeases her.

Quick note: If she’s that picky about her chocolate, then maybe you need to be more picky about who you’re dating!

Now you have to buy expensive, genetically engineered chocolates that contain a drop of Cupid’s blood to make them more romantic.

More economically catastrophic, is the option of chocolate jewelry.  Why buy her chocolate she can eat, when you can buy her chocolate that will eat up your entire paycheck and make her the envy of jewel thieves and cat burglars the world over?

And don’t even think about offending her with a homemade dinner, or by taking her to that diner that’s been your “special place” ever since you shared your first kiss there over burgers and a milkshake.

You need reservations at the only place in town where dinner for two costs more than your mortgage payment.  If you don’t buy the most expensive bottle of wine and splurge on the special dessert, you are telling your date and the overly judgmental waiter that you are not only a cheapskate, but also that you don’t love or deserve your heartbroken Valentine.

Valentine's Day, dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherWhy would you put yourself and your bank account through any of this nonsense?

You’re going to be single anyway if you don’t make Valentine’s Day absolutely perfect, so why not just head into this ridiculous holiday unattached and with a decent nest egg in the bank?

That way, when you do meet that special someone who loves you for all your quirks and flaws, you can afford to take her to that cool diner with the best burgers and milkshakes in the world.

And if you never are lucky enough to fall in love, at least you’ll have the money you didn’t blow on Valentine’s Day, to keep a roof over your head and food on the table.

Some of you might think that this post is a little over the top, and maybe it is.  Perhaps I’m just looking for an excuse to justify being single again on Valentine’s Day.

Valentine's Day, dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherOr maybe, just maybe, I’m giving you the best financial advice of your life.

Either way, Happy Valentine’s Day! 

And keep in mind, this advice cost you absolutely nothing…

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About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
This entry was posted in Dating, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to Save Money By Being Single On Valentine’s Day

  1. best advice but they won’t listen u

  2. Manifest Joy says:

    OR you can make profit and get single people to pay YOU to go on dates with them on VDay. How’s that for gaming the system? 😂😂- Barry

  3. ksbeth says:

    happy valentine’s day, austin-

  4. Pingback: Save Money: Be Single On Valentine’s Day. – The Militant Negro™

  5. Lori says:

    I love your positivity.

  6. Diana Haddad says:

    Hilarious! I am tragically single, but at least that makes me a little bit richer haha!

  7. markbialczak says:

    Love is grand in my house, Austin, but I don’t have to spend a grand, that’s for sure. Luckily my dear wife Karen is a good sport about regular chocolate heart boxes and medium-priced restaurants. I still callled a week ahead of time to make sure I got our reservations in!

    Enjoy watching the Olympics and saving your dollars for the great one who will come along.

  8. Lutheranliar says:

    Either stay single, or stay married for umpteen years. No chocolate, flowers, jewelry required. Champagne maybe, but I’ve got that covered (!)

  9. We don’t celebrate Valentines, it’s a mutual decision. We did for he first few years but now we just can’t be arsed lol..Good post.

  10. Personally, I’m absolutely happy being single until the right man comes into my life, and if he never does, I’m perfectly content on my own. That being said, when I’m in a relationship, I would rather have small gestures on a semi-regular basis than one “grand” gesture once a year. I don’t understand women who want diamonds, overpriced Valentine’s Day meals, or a trip to a spa with a hotel room overlooking the ocean.

    Just kidding. I totally understand the last one.

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