With the stock market recently doing a swan dive, and Republican lawmakers looking to change the tax code so that they get all the money, there’s no better time for us to keep an eye on what little income we have.
Since that’s the case, I’m going to recommend that you stay single on Valentine’s Day so that you can save a boatload of cash.
Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is a big time racket created by the greeting card, chocolate, jewelry, and flower companies to line their pockets in order to help them buy more Republican politicians to further change the laws in their favor.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but a nice card and a box of chocolates will no longer cut it on February 14th. At least not if you want to remain in a happy relationship.
According to all the commercials interrupting my shows this month, you don’t really love your significant other unless you are showering her with diamonds, and making sure she walks only on a path of rose petals (with roses costing about $100 a dozen this time of year) the entire day.
And you can’t buy a simple heart shaped box of chocolates anymore. Not even the fancy kind with the road map inside the lid that shows her what’s inside each piece of chocolate, lest she mistakenly bite into one that displeases her.
Quick note: If she’s that picky about her chocolate, then maybe you need to be more picky about who you’re dating!
Now you have to buy expensive, genetically engineered chocolates that contain a drop of Cupid’s blood to make them more romantic.
More economically catastrophic, is the option of chocolate jewelry. Why buy her chocolate she can eat, when you can buy her chocolate that will eat up your entire paycheck and make her the envy of jewel thieves and cat burglars the world over?
And don’t even think about offending her with a homemade dinner, or by taking her to that diner that’s been your “special place” ever since you shared your first kiss there over burgers and a milkshake.
You need reservations at the only place in town where dinner for two costs more than your mortgage payment. If you don’t buy the most expensive bottle of wine and splurge on the special dessert, you are telling your date and the overly judgmental waiter that you are not only a cheapskate, but also that you don’t love or deserve your heartbroken Valentine.
You’re going to be single anyway if you don’t make Valentine’s Day absolutely perfect, so why not just head into this ridiculous holiday unattached and with a decent nest egg in the bank?
That way, when you do meet that special someone who loves you for all your quirks and flaws, you can afford to take her to that cool diner with the best burgers and milkshakes in the world.
And if you never are lucky enough to fall in love, at least you’ll have the money you didn’t blow on Valentine’s Day, to keep a roof over your head and food on the table.
Some of you might think that this post is a little over the top, and maybe it is. Perhaps I’m just looking for an excuse to justify being single again on Valentine’s Day.
Either way, Happy Valentine’s Day!
And keep in mind, this advice cost you absolutely nothing…