My One Man Comedy Show

humor, social distancing, Modern PhilosopherEntertainment is hard to come by lately, Modern Philosophers, now that 99% of my day takes place at The House on the Hill as I stay home and practice social distancing.

Thankfully, I have an amazing comedy routine that keeps me in stitches.  And by stitches, I mean the kind you get in the Emergency Room to close wounds and stop the bleeding.  As it turns out, most of my one man show is unintended physical comedy that leaves a mark.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I can’t laugh at my ridiculous clumsiness and foolish reactions to pressure situations, then I’m not going to be laughing much because life is a little stressful and scary at the moment.

Take this morning for example.  I don’t usually do early bird shows, but sometimes inspiration hits at the oddest hours and cannot be ignored.

I woke up and had my usual Pandemic Groundhog Day philosophical dilemma: Should I roll over and go back to sleep on my side, or just continue to sleep on my back?

humor, social distancing, Modern PhilosopherAs I weighed the pros and cons of both sides, an alarm sounded in my brain, and I shot up in bed.

It was Garbage Day!

It’s not that putting out the trash is super exciting, but rather that I’d yet to bring the bag out to the curb, and I had no idea when the truck would arrive for pick up.

You see, in the days before solitary confinement in the name of battling Covid 19, I’d put out the garbage at 6am as I headed out for my run.  I didn’t really pay much attention to whether the trash was still there when I returned, or when I left for work.  All I knew for sure was that it was gone when I got home at the end of the day.

And it’s not like it would have been the end of the world if I missed garbage pick up.  The bag would just sit in the garage and keep my poor RAV 4 company for the next week.

It was more of a situation that life is very boring, there are no deadlines anymore, and my brain saw a crisis situation and wanted to spring into action (if only for the comic gold).

The thing is, I’m great in pressure situations if I hit pause, take a deep breath, and formulate a plan of action.

If I just skip those steps and dive head first into things, I usually end up with a head injury or something along those lines.

It was 7:28 when I jumped out of bed.  The first thing I decided to do was to make the bed.  Why that was necessary in a situation where time was of the essence is beyond me.

Next, I started to put on my running clothes.  I didn’t want to go outside in my pajamas, nor did I want to lug around trash in them.  Putting on my running gear made sense since I planned to go for a run after I fed the cats.  Only problem with that plan was that it took forever to shimmy into my tight spandex running pants.

humor, social distancing, Modern PhilosopherA new plan was formulated as I almost fell over while taking off the spandex I had only started to put on.  I’d throw on yesterday’s dirty clothes that were on the cabinet at the foot of the bed.  Put on my sweatpants and shirt, then noticed a hole in my sock.  I couldn’t wear a sock with a hole in it…

Again, I’m fighting the clock, yet concerned about how I look putting out the garbage.

I realized that a sock with a hole in it was okay for a quick trip to the garage, and then to the curb.  Hell, once I got the trash out, I could pull off the old sock and add it to the morning pick up.

I pulled my sweatshirt over my head, and there was complete darkness.  Yes, I had put it on backwards, and the hood was now covering my face.  I struggled to turn around the sweatshirt while I still had it on, failed miserably, and fell over.  Luckily, the bed was there to break my fall.

Ran down the stairs and out the front door.  No sign yet of the garbage truck, which was a good thing since I’d forgotten my gloves.  Back in the house for those.

Gloves on and back out the door.  Forgot my keys, which I really didn’t need since I had unlocked the front door, but I’m paranoid about ever leaving the house without them.  Back in the house for those.

Keys in pocket and back out the door.  Still no sign of the garbage truck.  And my neighbors’ trash was still at the curb, so I hadn’t missed pick up.

Open the garage door, pull the garbage bag out of the bin, and try to try it.  Have you ever tried to tie the garbage bag while wearing gloves?  I don’t recommend it, other than for the comedy it would provide for anyone watching you struggle.

Take off the gloves, convincing myself I won’t catch the Coronavirus if I’m outside without gloves for a few seconds and immediately wash my hands when I go back inside.

humor, social distancing, Modern PhilosopherTie the bag, put the gloves back on, lower the garage door.  The garage door refuses to close all the way.  No sign of the garbage truck, so decide now is the perfect time to fight with the garage door.  Open it all the way, and then pull it closed again, this time with a little more oomph to it.

Garage door closes, so I run awkwardly down to the curb while clutching the heavy garbage bag in a bear hug.

Deposit bag on curb at 7:35.  Took care of that in a mere seven minutes.  Turn to go back to the house, but somehow manage to trip on the sidewalk.  Manage not to fall.

Head back inside.  Scrub my hands while serenading myself with Happy Birthday.   Notice my bed head in the bathroom mirror and decide that now would be an ideal time to give myself a haircut.

Find the scissors in the bathroom cabinet, but not before knocking my deodorant, toothpaste, and floss into the sink.  Put those back in their proper places.

humor, social distancing, Modern PhilosopherGrab a clump of hair and prepare to cut it.  Suddenly imagine cutting my ear, or worse yet, doing something horrific to my hair that cannot be fixed by any number of barbers or hairstylists.

Remember that no one can see my hair anyway, and that I like wearing hats.

Put the scissors away.  Go to the living room and put on the TV.

When I eventually leave for my run at 8:30, the garbage truck arrives.  If they’d only been an hour earlier, they could have caught the best comedy show on the block…

About Austin

Native New Yorker who's fled to the quiet life in Maine. I write movies, root for the Yankees, and shovel lots of snow.
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8 Responses to My One Man Comedy Show

  1. beth says:

    oh no, glad you made it

  2. grannyK says:

    Sorry to giggle, but I did! Thank you for the smile.

  3. markbialczak says:

    You didn’t notice the neighbor giggling through the blinds, Austin?

  4. kristianw84 says:

    😂😂😂 I’m dying! Mostly, because of the mental image you created, but also, I relate. I’m also clumsy, and I bring my keys with me outside (I have a very embarrassing story about locking myself out of the house).

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