2018: A Year Not To Review

Happy New Year, Year in Review, humor, Modern PhilosopherNew Year’s Day is just around the corner, Modern Philosophers, so I thought I’d do one of those Year in Review posts to sum up the year that was 2018.

But then I quickly realized that 2018 wasn’t exactly a stellar year at The House on the Hill, so this will probably be a pretty short post.

Let’s sum up 2018:

Still no girlfriend.

Still no writing career.

No movies in production.

No job offers of any sort in the writing field.

Since that would be a post of a mere 75 words, and because the annoying interns refused to let me publish something so negative, I am now going to test my creative writing skills and try to make 2018 sound better.

Or at least not a complete waste of 365 days.

Happy New Year, Year in Review, humor, Modern PhilosopherWithout a doubt, the best event of this otherwise forgetful year occurred in July.  That was when I adopted Cleopatra and Cassiopeia, two kitties who desperately needed a home.

I was hesitant about opening my home and heart again after Luna’s passing, but I’m so glad I decided to bring those little monsters to The House on the Hill.

Sure, it’s been a bit of a headache as Cleo is a real handful and doesn’t get along well with Cali, but we are making it work.  As I’m typing this, Cleo is doing wind sprints up and down the staircase, Cassie is curled up next to me on the couch, and Cali is sleeping peacefully on my bed.

The extra excitement is welcome as I lead a pretty boring life, and all three of them really seem to like me.

I’ve managed to maintain my five day a week running schedule, and even though I don’t seem to be losing weight anymore, I’m no longer a fat, out of shape lump.

I also won two Wellness competitions on the Virgin Pulse app, beating out at least two hundred competitors each time.

While I’m extremely frustrated that I don’t seem to be making any progress with my writing career, I am excited that I’ve written three episodes of a TV series based upon my time at college.  This is a project that definitely has major potential, and I’m not going to be discouraged simply because I can’t get anyone in the biz to read it at this point.

My blog got its one millionth hit this summer, so that’s something memorable.

I did go on a couple of dates this year, and the interns insist that is progress.  I see it as a continued failure on my part to find that special someone, but if I keep arguing with the interns, they will never drop the subject.

Happy New Year, Year in Review, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo I think you can see why 2018 will never make my list of Top 10 Years of My Life, but I suppose it wasn’t as horrible as I’d believed when I sat down to write this post.

The one good thing about a crappy year, is that it increases the odds of the new year being better.  Silver linings!

2019 better be better because I want to write a much more positive post a year from now.

Happy New Year!  Hope your 2018 was better than mine!

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Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

My New Year’s Fight Club Resolution

Happy New Year, New Year's Resolutions, Fight Club, humor, Modern PhilosopherEveryone knows the first rule of Fight Club, Modern Philosophers.

I don’t want to get anyone into trouble, so we won’t discuss it any further.  However, I’m wondering why that same rule shouldn’t be used for New Year’s resolutions.

After all, why is it anyone else’s business what goals I’ve set for myself for the year ahead?  What right does someone have to even ask me?  Why do people have to be so damn nosy?

Just drink your champagne and play with your noisemaker!

So my New Year’s resolution is to not talk about my New Year’s resolution.  I’m putting this out there now in my blog so the world knows not to ask me.

I don’t want people to think I’m rude when I refuse to answer their intrusive question, so please share this post and spread the word.

Because if anyone asks about my New Year’s resolution, I might go all Fight Club on him.

So let’s circle back to why I’m taking such a stand on this.  First off, while I understand why people make New Year’s resolutions, I also think they’re silly.

Happy New Year, New Year's Resolutions, Fight Club, humor, Modern PhilosopherWhy is January 1 the day you’re going to start making big changes in your life?  You didn’t do it the rest of the year, so why does hanging up a new calendar suddenly mean you are going to jump into action?  There’s nothing magical about the day, other than that we managed to survive yet another trip around the sun (which is pretty magical given who our President is!).

It’s the middle of winter, so this isn’t really the best time to start a running routine or go on a diet.  Why not wait until spring when it’s warmer, the sun is out longer, and everything about the world is brighter?

Also, why kick off the year by lying to yourself and everyone who asks about your resolutions?  You know you’re never going to keep them, so by sharing them with the world, you just open yourself up to failure and ridicule.

How many of us are truthful about our resolutions?  Is it possible that we just give an answer that we think the rest of the world wants to hear?  How many people are going to vow to exercise, diet, and lead healthier lives?

I have to wonder if people actually have other goals they’d like to set for themselves, but they are too embarrassed to share them.  Perhaps they have a bad habit that they both want to kick and keep secret.  Maybe they have a personal goal that they fear others would ridicule or not support.

Plus, if you’re weird and superstitious like me, there’s that odd fear that putting something out there and making it public actually jinxes it.

If we go all Fight Club on our New Year’s resolutions, we don’t have to worry about being judged.  Or jinxed.  It remains something personal, a challenge that we set out to conquer on our own.

After all, our New Year’s resolutions are for us, not for others.

Happy New Year, New Year's Resolutions, Fight Club, humor, Modern PhilosopherThat just makes sense to me.  I mean, I’m the one who’s going to be doing all the hard work, so why does anyone else need to know what I’m trying to achieve?

I guess some moral support would help, but how many people actually step up and push you to keep that promise you blurted out when put on the spot on New Year’s Eve?

Just think about it.  Happy New Year!

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Trump Is Leading Cause Of Depression In Americans

Trump, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherAccording to a new report, President Trump is now the leading cause of depression in Americans, Modern Philosophers

The study, released by the Department Utilizing Statistics and Tables (DUST), revealed that Trump caused depression in more Americans than the next four items on the list combined.

Here is the rest of the Top 5:

2. Finances.

3. Realizing that you are trapped in a dead end job because of your finances.

4. Listening to someone from an older generation tell stories about the good old days.

5. Watching an episode of This Is Us.

The White House has yet to release a statement about the study, but anonymous sources have revealed that President Trump was ecstatic to top the list.

He was even heard to say, “Obama was never number one on that list!”

Experts have put together a list of suggestions for coping with Trump Induced Depression (ICD-10 code pending), and I wanted to share some of those with you.

Trump, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherStop watching the news, reading the paper, and using social media.  This one is going to be difficult because President Trump is everywhere.  If he’s not tweeting his angriest thoughts at us, there are endless news reports about what he’s done now to screw over the nation.

I’ve stopped watching the news and reading the paper, choosing to get my daily dose of the news from Stephen Colbert’s nightly monologue.  It’s the same information, but at least I can laugh on the outside while crying on the inside.

Move to another country.  This is probably the best way to avoid Depression a la Trump.  If he’s no longer your President, you might be able to laugh at what he does, rather than worrying about how his actions will destroy your life and the nation you love.  Added bonus: you might find a way better job and improve your finances.

Read up on the Impeachment process.  The more you know about how Impeachment works, the more hope you’ll have that Trump won’t be around long enough to have any permanent effects on your mental health.

Talk to someone.  It always helps to open up and unburden yourself of stress.  You might try speaking to your Senator or Congressman about how much you’d like for President Trump to be impeached.

Experts do not suggest medications for this type of depression because chances are President Trump has already made cuts to your healthcare, and you won’t be able to afford the medications.  That then brings up item #2, and maybe even #3 on the list.

Trump, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherThese same experts also point out that Trump won’t be President forever, and as impossible as it might seem at the moment, something will eventually come up that depresses us even more than he does.

So as we head into the new year, try to stay positive and keep in mind that it brings us even closer to the next Presidential Election.  A new year means new hope.

Posted in Humor, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

I Can See Clearly Now (Supposedly)

eye doctor, new glasses, humor, Modern PhilosopherI can confirm, Modern Philosophers, that my fear of doctors extends to the eye doctor.

I haven’t been to the optometrist in over two years.  In fact, the last time I went was during one of The Sweet Irish Girl’s visits.  On that occasion, I literally had someone to hold my hand to get me through the experience.  She also picked out my cool new glasses.

Today, I was on my own.  I’d ignored the “You need to make an appointment” reminders the office had sent me over the summer, so I was overdue to have my eyes checked.

I actually caved and called to make an appointment.  I’d been having headaches, things looked a little blurry after all day on the computer, and the new lights at work were causing a problem.

What better time to go to the eye doctor than during Christmas vacation?

As expected, I was nervous.  One of my female friends gave me a hard time when I told her I didn’t like going to the eye doctor.  She reminded me it wasn’t like she was going to give me a pap smear or a mammogram.

I knew she was right, but that didn’t make me any less anxious.

eye doctor, new glasses, humor, Modern PhilosopherI was worried that she would link the headaches to a tumor, tell me I was going blind, or that I needed eye surgery.

I can’t help it.  I’m a writer with a wild imagination.  I can think up dozens of horrible scenarios when left alone in the chair waiting for the doctor to arrive.

My doctor was new, as my regular doctor didn’t have any openings for months.  She was young and very pretty.  Which meant I was also dealing with how ridiculously awkward I get around attractive members of the opposite sex.

How awkward could I be during an eye exam?  I actually asked her these questions:

Do you think your patients find it comforting or alarming that you wear glasses?

In our high tech world, why are we still using this archaic “lens 1 or lens 2?” device to test our eyes?  Shouldn’t the computers be doing this?  Or lasers?

She was a good sport about it, and we actually had a nice conversation about both my weird questions, but still.  Why am I so weird???

It turns out my vision hadn’t worsened that much since my last appointment, but my left eye was clearly weaker than the left.  We talked about a blue light coating for my glasses, which might help with the headaches, and she made me promise not to wait so long between appointments again.

eye doctor, new glasses, humor, Modern PhilosopherClearly, she’s looking forward to fielding more of my awkward questions!

I found frames that were almost identical to my current ones, and I should have my new glasses in about a week.

Given all the time I spend on the computer, I’m looking forward to trying out the new specs and seeing if I see better.

All in all, going to the eye doctor wasn’t the horrible experience I’d imagined it to be, but had it been, it would have led to a much more exciting blog post…

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Think Outside The Boxing Day

Boxing Day, humor, Modern PhilosopherHappy Boxing Day, Modern Philosophers!

I continued my annual tradition of challenging complete strangers to boxing matches, and I am proud to say that I went 3-0 with one draw until the police arrived to break up the fun.

Apparently, the local authorities do not celebrate the holiday.

I also decided to try something new this Boxing Day.  Rather than rushing back to work the day after Christmas, I took a little vacation.  Now I don’t have to return to my desk job until after New Year’s Day.

Which gives me plenty of opportunities to box strangers, should I so choose.

My thinking, of course, was that maybe the Magic of Christmas wouldn’t fade so quickly if I gave myself a Christmas vacation.  It always seemed to work back when I was in school, and life was a lot simpler then.

I mean, I hated doing all the homework at the time, but I’d much prefer that to having to pay bills any day of the week.

As you know, Christmas isn’t exactly the happiest day of the year at The House on the Hill, but I’m a big fan of the vibe that the season gives off.  Plus, there’s that famous quote about insanity and doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So I’m thinking outside of the box this Boxing Day.

I got to sleep in, which was very nice.  I woke up to find Cali curled up on my pillow right next to my head.  She had the whole rest of the Queen size bed to sleep on, but she chose to be right up on my skull.

Boxing Day, humor, Modern PhilosopherThen I went for a long, leisurely run.  I tried a completely different route to really throw caution to the wind, and I managed not to get lost.

I finished my library book, watched a little TV, and contemplated my navel.

Okay, maybe I didn’t do that last one.  Yet.

I did have one uncomfortable bit of business to attend to as well.  It kept with my line of thinking that I needed to stop doing the same thing and expecting things to turn out different.

I don’t want to go into detail, but it had to do with my screenwriting career.  I received an email last night about one of my projects, and I decided I was tired of empty promises and blind faith.

It’s time to get $%^& done and move forward.

So I made my feelings known.  I’m not sure if it will change where this project is headed, but it was invigorating to speak up, voice my displeasure, and feel like I was doing something to take some sort of control of this part of my career.

Maybe that’s why I did so well in my Boxing Day matches.  I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, which in turn, made my left hook much more lethal.

I’m not a fan of change, but I’m told change is good.  Here’s hoping that giving my life a little shake up will lead to positive things.

If it does, it will be a Boxing Day miracle!

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Chasing After Santa’s Sleigh

Christmas, Santa Claus, humor, Modern PhilosopherMerry Christmas, Modern Philosophers!

Christmas began in the traditional way at The House on the Hill.  I ran down the stairs in search of presents, but there weren’t any.

It’s not like I expected anything to be waiting for me in the living room, but my inner child made me look.  After all, I’ve been pretty good this year, so I held out some hope that Santa Claus wouldn’t forget me yet again.

It’s no big deal.  No presents means no wrapping paper to clean up, no thank you cards to write, and no having to pretend to like a gift that’s completely wrong for me.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m not pissed at Santa Claus.

I mean, I thought we were friends.  He lets me interview him for blog posts every year, and I always paint him in a great light, even though he doesn’t bring me any gifts.

But it’s cool.  I’m a big boy.  I can handle getting the cold shoulder from Santa.

As I was staring at the empty space in the living room where I’d hoped that presents would be, I heard the distant sound of sleigh bells.

That meant Santa Claus was still in the neighborhood, and I was suddenly determined to have it out with him once and for all.

Christmas, Santa Claus, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo I went out running after those sleigh bells.  I ran a solid three miles hoping to catch up to the big guy and his reindeer, but I guess I wasn’t fast enough.

Or Santa’s just damn good at operating in stealth mode.  Regardless, I didn’t get a chance to have a little chat about my lack of presents.

Silver lining, though, is that I got in a solid three mile run on Christmas morning.

That was a lucky turn of events, because I wasn’t sure if I was going to run on the holiday.

Now I’m glad I did because I’ve been eating a lot of bad foods lately.  Like I always do around Christmas to try to cover up the fact that I’m lonely and sad.

But I’ve kept running because once this holiday is done, I’m going to shake out of this funk and I want to be in great shape for the new year.  That way, even if I’m upset at Santa Claus for bypassing me on Christmas, I can still have a great rest of the year.

Also, if I keep running, there’s no way I don’t catch up to his sleigh next year!

And it’s not like my Christmas has been completely devoid of mysterious gifts.

I did return from work yesterday to find a box of candy in my mailbox.  I had no idea who it was from, so I was hesitant to enjoy the gift.

Christmas, Santa Claus, humor, Modern PhilosopherAfter all, it could’ve been from a stalker with bad intentions.

Or maybe it was poisoned.  I remember being told never to take candy from strangers, and I’m pretty sure this batch fell under that umbrella.

I posted on Facebook about the red box with its snazzy bow, in hopes that someone would confess to being the anonymous candy giver.

If no one fessed up, the candies were going in the garbage.  Better safe than sorry.

Finally, my neighbor Sandy admitted that she had left the box for me.  I wish she had just dropped it off in person, but I was relieved to know that the gift was safe to enjoy.

Of course, if I eat all that candy, I’ll have to run even more to burn off the calories.

Which isn’t a bad thing.  Running is a great way to distract myself from the fact that Santa has me on the Naughty List for reasons I do not understand…

Posted in Christmas, Fitness, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Am I Santa Claus???

Santa Claus, Christmas, humor, Modern PhilosopherI had the craziest dream last night, Modern Philosophers.

Only now, I’m not sure it was a dream.  I remained under the covers for hours this morning, replaying it in my head and thinking more and more that rather than a dream, it was my subconscious revealing a long hidden secret.

I think I’m Santa Claus!

I know that sounds completely ridiculous, and I laughed off the idea as the product of too many Christmas cookies before bed, but the more I worked it over in my mind, the more it made sense.

Just hear me out…

Every year, I complain about how Christmas is so difficult for me, and that I feel torn between two worlds.

When I’m out in public, I’m filled with Christmas Cheer, and I’m eager to plan parties, put up decorations, and wear my silly Christmas ties to help everyone around me feel the Christmas Joy.

But when I’m home alone, I don’t feel at all possessed by the Christmas Spirit.  In fact, I feel like I can’t handle the holiday because it’s just too much for me.  Almost like it’s work to enjoy Christmas.

Doesn’t that sound just like Santa Claus?  He’s always out spreading the joy of the season, and making sure everyone else is excited about the holiday.

Santa Claus, Christmas, humor, Modern PhilosopherBut I bet once he’s alone, Santa Claus is overwhelmed by Christmas.  All he does is work and try to make everyone else happy.  No one thinks how much it must drain him to be so jolly all the time, and to have to listen to the endless parade of people telling him what they want to find under the tree.

When’s the last time anyone asked Santa what he wants for Christmas?

It would also explain why I feel so drained on December 26, and why I hate to see the Christmas decorations come down, and people go back to being moody and mean.  All that hard work simply forgotten the very next day…

Where do I tell you I live?  In a house atop a hill in a land where it’s always snowing and forever cold.

A house that is constantly visited by magical creatures, whose stories I share with you, but whom you’ve never actually met in person.

Sounds a lot like the North Pole, Santa’s Workshop, and his army of Elves, right?

And what do I do there?  I write.  I’m always writing.  And rewriting.

Santa Claus, Christmas, humor, Modern PhilosopherIt’s as if I were forever making a list, and then checking it twice…

Are you getting goosebumps yet?  Are you starting to understand why this whole “dream” really got to me, and why I’ve been obsessing over it all morning?

Then there’s the running.

I run all the time.  Constantly trying to get into shape, lose weight, and be healthy.

I bet Santa Claus works out all the time.  One doesn’t pull off Christmas and deliver all those presents around the world in one night without being in amazing shape and having the kind of stamina that allows you to be on the move for hours at a time!

Plus, Santa Claus has to stay healthy because if he were to ever keel over from a heart attack, there’s no Vice Santa Claus.  Christmas would go to the grave with him.

Of course, the whole running thing could be a metaphor.  Another message from my subconscious as it tries to awaken me to the reality of my secret identity.

Santa Claus is always on the run.  Forever moving to make sure all the toys get made, the Naughty and Nice Lists are accurate, and deliveries happen on time.  Santa is the CEO of the greatest toy manufacturing and delivery service on the planet.  He can’t stop running!

Santa Claus, Christmas, humor, Modern PhilosopherIf you want to get even deeper into this idea, I run all the time and obsess over my weight because Santa Claus is severely overweight.

Since I don’t realize I am Santa, I see the fat and am desperate to lose it, unaware that it’s part of my image and what the world expects from me.

I told you this was beyond my usual Deep Thoughta, Modern Philosophers.  We’re approaching Matrix territory with this concept.  Or maybe I’m more like Rey or Luke, not realizing that I’ve been a Jedi all along.

It would certainly explain my work situation.  I’m bored, don’t feel challenged, suffer from serious deja vu from doing the same thing day after day, year after year, but I never leave.

How could I leave? I’m Santa Claus, damn it!  The world is counting on me to do the same thing for all eternity, or else Christmas will be ruined.

What a jerk I’ve been.  Now it all makes total sense.

No wonder I can’t get a date.

I’m Santa Claus.  I’m married.  No woman is going to risk eternal banishment to the Naughty List for helping me to cheat on Mrs. Claus.

Why didn’t I pick up on this before?  Now I get why I like to wear my silly Santa hat.

https://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com/2018/12/16/all-i-want-for-christmas-is/Maybe I put something in my eggnog to make me forget?  Like it would be impossible for me to pull off the miracle of Christmas every year if I realized the enormous obstacles I face, so it’s easier for me to trudge along thinking I’m some introvert in Maine just trying to survive another winter.

Obviously, I wear the glasses to help mask my identity.

The more I dwell on this amazing theory, the more it all makes perfect sense.  Now my life doesn’t seem as off the rails as it did just last night.  I know who I really am and why I’m here.

Merry Christmas, Modern Philosophers. Love, Santa Claus.

Posted in Christmas, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments