Miles Before Rain

running, health, fitness, rain, humor, Modern PhilosopherAlways the sports fanatic, I have come up with my very own statistical abbreviation associated with running, Modern Philosophers.

MBR, which stands for Miles Before Rain.

This exciting new statistic came into play this morning, as I contemplated how much running I could realistically get in before the powerful thunderstorms hit.

As a runner, you always want to maximize your MBR.  But on the other hand, you don’t want to waste your time and start a run if the MBR is going to be minuscule.

I know the rain isn’t going to harm me.  My stepmother had me tested as a child, and multiple geneticists concluded that I was not a witch, and, therefore, not at risk of melting should I get caught in a storm.

At the same time, I don’t want to be caught three miles from The House on the Hill when the thunder, lightning, and torrential downpour hit.

Since I’m not a witch, I cannot master the art of moving my body through deep water without sinking.  It’s a process us Muggles often refer to as “swimming”.

Last night, the Emergency Alert System twice interrupted my TV viewing to warn me of powerful and dangerous thunderstorms in the area.  They threatened 60 mph winds and hail, so I went out to the front porch and brought in the chairs.

I also closed every window in the house, even though it was 75 degrees, because I didn’t want to wake up soaked in the middle of the night because a storm had infiltrated The House on the Hill through the windows.

I just turned on the fan and hoped for the best.

running, health, fitness, rain, humor, Modern PhilosopherWhen I awakened, my phone advised that thunderstorms would roll into the area at 6:00, which is usually when I hit the road.

I got out my slide rule and began calculating MBR.  Was it worth it to go for a run, or should I sleep for another hour?

I’m proud of the fact that I haven’t skipped a run over the past five months, and that was a factor that I was able to add into the MBR equation.

The numbers, which I ran through the slide rule twice, and then verified on my abacus, revealed that if I set out a little earlier and didn’t stray too far from the safety of The House on the Hill, I should be able to get in at least 5,000 steps before getting struck by lightning.

That’s enough steps to make it worth the risk of being soaked or lit up like the Griswold home at Christmas.

Because safety always comes before steps and sweat, I even put on my reflective vest so that I would be easier to spot by rescuers should the storm blow me up into a tree or onto the roof of a neighbor’s home.

Since I didn’t want to be too far from The House on the Hill when the storm hit, I decided to make use of my back up route.  This one is a two-thirds of a mile loop around the neighborhood that never leaves me more than three blocks from home.

With all that precautions in place, my MBR looked better than ever when I put one foot in front of the other and hit the road.

3.4 miles later, there was still no storm and I had collected over 7,000 steps.  I had beaten even my best MBR calculations.

Not a single raindrop had fallen on my head, and I was thrilled that I had chosen wisely and gone for my run as planned.

Over the course of the work day, I simply threw all the numbers out the window for some reason and went for walks on my breaks even though it was raining.

running, fitness, health, rain, humor, Modern PhilosopherLike the doctors said ages ago, I’m not going to melt.

After dinner, I went for a walk in the rain.

This time, I did calculate MBR.  After all, I had created this exciting stat today and wanted to use it.

Walking after meals is a key parts of my weight loss success, so my MBR would have had to be severely negative for me to ditch my after dinner walk.

Besides, I’m working on a new writing project, and a walk in the rain always fuels the creative process.

Now I’m going to type up some notes on the story ideas that grew in my head during my walk in the rain.  Have a great night!

Posted in Fitness, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Last Day of Vacation Blues

summer vacation, back to work, life, humor, Modern PhilosopherI couldn’t get out of my pajamas this morning, Modern Philosophers.

And it wasn’t because I’d suddenly forgotten how to undress myself.  Today is the last day of my vacation, and I figured if I never changed out of my pjs, the day could never really get started, and, therefore, never end.

It’s difficult to argue with such logic.  Especially when I was tucked in under my warm, comfy covers on a chilly September morning.

This dreaded last day of summer vacation did get off to a nice start, though.  I was awakened by a text from a pretty lady informing me it was chilly outside, and I might need a snowsuit.

Even when half asleep, I’m still fully flirty, so I immediately replied that I would prefer it if she came to cuddle with me to keep me warm.

Yes, Modern Philosophers, even when suffering from a severe case of Last Day of Vacation Blues, I still know how to bring the charm.

Still waiting to see if she’ll take me up on my suggestion, but I am a man of renewed faith, so I’m sure it’s going to happen.

What’s all this crazy talk about renewed faith? We all know that you never go to church, and you hang out with The Devil every Sunday!

Something about this vacation changed me.  It’s like I had an epiphany, and now understand that life doesn’t need to be as stressful as it is.

There’s something about a daily routine of sleeping in, going for a long run, and then writing like a madman that will give a guy a whole new perspective.

summer vacation, back to work, life, humor, Mormons, Modern PhilosopherOf course, this renewed faith could also have something to do with my being stalked by an attractive Mormon missionary over my vacation.

If you haven’t already read that post about my exciting misadventure, you can check it out here: Flirting With (A Mormon) Disaster

If you could walk a mile in my shoes, you’d still be about eleven miles short of what I’ve been walking on average during my vacation.  I ran nine out of the ten days, and I have now lost 55 lbs since April 1.  When I wasn’t running, I was walking.  And dodging missionaries.

I’m not looking forward to being chained to a desk again after being so active.  I know some people think it’s weird that I’m walking all the time (Yes, my neighbors have commented on this on more than one occasion!), but maybe I think it’s strange that folks want to stay still.

Getting up and moving around is much more natural than staying planted in a chair for a majority of the day.  As I’m typing this post, I’m wandering through my neighborhood collecting steps.  One of the interns is walking backwards in front of my, carrying my laptop, so I can stay active while I write.

Don’t worry.  There’s a second intern walking in front of the first and acting as a guide.  Trust me, the last thing I want is for that kid to fall and damage my laptop.’m also going to miss being able to write whenever the voices in my head command it.  There are so many stories cluttering my head, and for the past ten days, I’ve worked diligently to get them down on paper.

It has been nice to actually have a little space inside my brain, but even that quickly gets taken up by new story ideas.

I’m most proud of the progress I’ve made on my newest screenplay.  This is the one I abandoned after finishing the first draft.

I was afraid this meant I had generated 125 pages of garbage, but I was pleasantly surprised when the interns read it aloud to me, acting out all the parts, to discover that it was pretty damn good.

Sure, the third act is very complicated and confusing, but I can fix that.  At this point, I’ve polished the first 75 pages to a point where they are shining and thrilling to read.

The last 40 pages or so are going to be a challenge, but now that I’ve got a better sense of my characters and the story, I am confident that I am going to come up with the perfect ending to this page turner.

Like I said earlier, I’m a man of renewed faith.

I hate that he keeps bringing this back to religion.  I subscribe to his blog for the laughs and the digs he takes at Trump.  Spare me the sermons! find it ironic, Modern Philosophers, that on Labor Day, I’m dreading going back to work.  However, the more I think about it, the more I see my return to the labor force as a new challenge for me to conquer.

How can I fit a 4o hour work week into a life that’s curently chock full of awesome?

I’ve already managed to find a place for my fitness routine, and that certainly isn’t going to change anytime soon.  Not when I’m just 20 lbs from my goal weight.

I will just work my magic to make sure writing remains a priority.  I’m going to fire off another email to my producer asking for the update he promised on my screenplays.  If we could get cameras rolling on just one of those projects, life would be very good.

I also can’t forget the pretty lady who sent me that text this morning.  I definitely need to find time for her because all work and no play makes Austin a very strange boy…

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Going Back Is Hell

short story, The Devil, flash fiction, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, back to work, humor, Modern Philosopher“Are you excited about going back to work on Tuesday?” The Devil asked, as what only could be described as a devilish grin danced across his handsome face.

As always, he was dressed in an impeccably tailored suit and looked like he belonged on the cover of a men’s fashion magazine, rather than standing in the living room of The House on the Hill.

“If I politely tell you to go to Hell, is there any chance you’d actually comply with that request?” I asked as I grabbed a Snapple out of the cooler.

The truth was, there was no way I wanted to go back to work.  My vacation has been so relaxing, so productive, and so stress free.  Why would I want to leave such a perfect world?

“Unfortunately for you, there is no way to banish me back to my home,” Lucifer informed me with a sly grin as he strolled over to the couch.  “Only I can decide when it’s time to descend into the Hellfire.  Unlike some unlucky souls, I don’t have to punch a clock.”

“This unlucky soul has the free will to punch your smug face,” I pointed out.  “Don’t you ever forget that.”

The Prince of Darkness feigned fear in an attempt to boost my spirits.  It was like being a school kid again.  Now that September had arrived, summer vacation was over and it was time to go back to school.

Oh how I wished only school awaited me on Tuesday.  Those were the days.

short story, The Devil, flash fiction, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, back to work, humor, Modern Philosopher“At least you had a great vacation,” Satan reminded me.  “You made great progress on the screenplay rewrite, wrote some of your best blog posts in a while, kept up your running game, and manage to catch up on sleep.  That’s a vacation for the ages.”

“I really did,” I had to agree.  “People don’t seem to get that a productive staycation can be even better than going away to some exotic location.”

“An exotic location where you could get sick on the food, spend a ton of money, and be even more stressed than if you had just gone to work,” The Devil concurred as he snatched a Snapple of his own out of the cooler.

“When I have a vacation like this, it confirms that my life would be so much better if I could figure out how to stay home and write all day,” I daydreamed.

“You certainly never seem to run out of ideas,” Lucifer agreed.  “If you weren’t cranking out a blog post, you were writing a short story, or you were editing your screenplay.”

“The voices in my head keep me very busy,” I said as I gently rapped on my skull.  “They never stop screaming story ideas at me.  It’s so hard to ignore them when I’m a work, and when I do, the stories back up on me and I get nasty headaches.”

The Prince of Darkness sipped his Snapple and nodded in sympathy.  “We really do need to find you a financial backer.  Have you heard anything from your producer friend about the screenplay projects?”

short story, The Devil, flash fiction, Sundays With Satan Short Story Series, back to work, humor, Modern PhilosopherThat question hit a sore spot.  I had been promised more information on possible leads for two of my screenplays, but thus far, there had been no call.

I have learned that the Hollywood game followed its own set of rules, but that didn’t make it any less frustrating.

“Nothing yet,” I sighed.  “I did send him an email this morning, though, with just enough anger and guilt added that I should get some sort of a reply.”

“Your life would really change if one of your screenplays went into production,” Satan pointed out the obvious.  “I hope everything works out this time.”

So did I because I wanted nothing more than the opportunity to write full time.  If that were the case, I’d never have to dread returning to the office after a wonderful vacation…

Posted in Humor, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

If A Tree Falls In The Forest, Would Trump Blame Obama?

Trump, Obama, politics, satire, humor, Modern PhilosopherGreat philosophical debate is always on the agenda at The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers.

The interns might be annoying, but they do know how to keep the Deep Thoughts flowing.

It was the one with the nose ring who brought up the question that kicked off today’s great debate…

If a tree falls in the forest, would Trump blame Obama?

We’re still debating this one, but I stepped away for a few minutes to get some Snapple and write this post.

Everyone involved agreed that President Trump would definitely blame someone for what happened to the tree.  We just couldn’t come to a consensus as to who would be on the receiving end of the numerous Twitter rants about the incident.

President Obama was the obvious first choice since Trump seems to have a real hard on for his predecessor, and loves to play the blame game with him.  As far as the current occupant of the Oval Office seems to be concerned, everything that goes wrong with America was somehow caused by the man who sat at the big desk before him.

Of course, Trump’s main concern would probably be that Obama refuses to prove he was born in America, and Republicans cannot stand it when foreigners take work away from people who can prove they were born here.

Trump, Obama, politics, satire, humor, Modern PhilosopherIf anyone is going to take down a tree in this country, it better be someone in a Make America Great Again hat.  Or by a Trump supporter who is part of a union crew clearing land for the construction of the next great Trump building or golf course.

And the tree in question better not fall anywhere near a Confederate monument.  Because Trump would tell you that would be a part of the ongoing Democratic conspiracy to keep America from knowing about its history.  Definitely an item very high on President Obama’s secret agenda, which he came up with while growing up in Kenya.

One of the interns asked how the fallen tree was going to be cleared away since Trump had probably cut the budget to the National Forest Service.  That set off quite the debate because we all agreed that President Trump obviously knew nothing about how to take care of such a menial task.

One theory was that Trump would hold a rally around the tree, and use it as an opportunity to further disparage Obama in a rousing speech given to the “largest audience ever assembled at a rally set around a fallen tree in the history of ever”.

Trump, Obama, politics, satire, humor, Modern PhilosopherDuring that historic speech, Trump could remind America why we need a border wall so badly.

Because if Obama somehow wasn’t responsible for knocking down the tree, it was definitely the work of some foreigners who are in the country illegally.

Taking down trees is clearly the m.o. of bad hombres, and if we can’t keep our trees safe, how the hell are we going to protect our women and children from “those people”?

Trump could really milk it and vow that the fallen tree would become part of the wall, which means Mexico would have to pay to have it removed.

But what if Trump wanted to go in an entirely different direction and blame someone other than President Obama for what happened to the tree?

The intern who always wears the “I’m With Her” pin, despite the election being long over, suggested that Hillary (big surprise!) would be fingered as the tree killer.

She did make a good point, though.  Crooked Hillary never got the punishment Trump promised her during the debates.  This makes him look weak to his supporters, and Melania does not like it when Donald looks weak.

So Treegate could definitely be a way to ensure that Hillary got what was coming to her for whatever it was Trump thinks she did.

Trump, Obama, politics, satire, humor, Modern Philosopher Trump sees Hillary as a Liberal tree hugger, who took down the tree by hugging it too hard with her overzealous supporters at a secret meeting where they planned Trump’s removal from power.

Check her emails.  She probably sent one to Bill or one or her cronies about it.

As the debate heated up, we realized that Trump could blame the fallen tree on anyone who was not in his good graces at the moment.  Jeff Session, Rex Tillerson, John Kelly, the White House butler who brought him a Coke that was only lukewarm…they could all take the fall for that tree in the forest.

There is only one fallen tree, right?  Because this list of suspects is long enough to destroy a forest faster than a California wildfire.

I threw Bernie Sanders out there as a suggestion, not because I thought Bernie would ever  hurt a tree, but because I would love to hear his heated rebuke of President Trump’s accusations on the matter.

The intern who rarely speaks because he’s always on his laptop surprised us all with a suggestion we hadn’t even considered.

Trump, Obama, politics, satire, humor, Modern PhilosopherRussian hackers.

This would be the perfect opportunity for Trump to demand the hackers be brought to justice, and then have them silenced forever so they couldn’t admit to their part in helping him win the election.

Of course, he’d have to get the okay from Putin to make such an accusation, and we didn’t see that as being a realistic possibility.

But when has something like logic, getting the proper consent, or playing fair ever stopped President Trump from acting?

Let’s be honest, that tree did not fall on its own.  This is Trump’s America, which means someone’s going to have to take the blame.   And it needs to happen before Eric goes out to look at the tree and gets his head stuck inside it…

I think this debate will rage on all night.  If you’re interested in joining the fun, stop by The House on the Hill, or share your Deep Thoughts in the comments section below.

Posted in Humor, Philosophy, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Five Months of Fitness

health, fitness, running, weight loss, self improvement, humor, Modern PhilosopherIt’s September 1, Modern Philosophers, which means it has been five months since I started on my new health and fitness journey.

On April 1, this fool got his lazy, overweight butt up off the couch, and decided it was time to do something to improve his life.

I went for my first three mile run that day, in the snow, and it feels like I haven’t stopped running ever since.

According to the scale this morning, I’ve lost 54 lbs!  That’s 11 lbs a month and 18% of my previous body weight.

I don’t write these fitness posts to brag, but because I want to inspire others.  There was no way, back in April, that I thought I’d be feeling this good about myself in September.  In a short period of time, I’ve completely changed my life and want you to know that you can do the same thing.

You don’t need to buy a book, join a club, or start a special diet.  Just go for a walk.  Be smarter about what you eat.  Set some simple goals for yourself.

That’s all I did.

Yes, it did help to get a fitness tracker.  Having that little beast on my wrist gave me the extra push I needed.  There was no way I was ever going to miss my daily step goal, and once I got in the habit of doing that, it wasn’t a huge leap to collecting 20,000 steps a day.

So what have I been doing over the last five months?

health, fitness, running, weight loss, self improvement, humor, Modern PhilosopherI’ve worked myself up to running five days and at least twenty miles a week.  On top of that, I walk every day and try to get to 20,000 steps.

On my non-running days, I don’t think myself a failure if I don’t hit 20,000.  I make sure I get at least 15,000, but I try not to settle for less than 17,000.

I’ve cut a lot of the sugar out of my diet, but haven’t completely deprived myself. I’d be a zombie without my Snapple!

I was thrilled to discover Halo Top, the magic ice cream with very few calories.  I still indulge in the occasional whoopie pie or cookie, but I’m not devouring them in large quantities every night like I had been doing.

I’m just eating smarter.

Yesterday, I celebrated surviving my annual physical by having Chinese food for lunch.  I love Chinese food, but hadn’t had it in ages.  It was time to finally give in to the craving, but when I did, I walked the three-quarters of a mile in each direction to pick up my food.

I also only added one packet of soy sauce, rather than the usual four or five.

health, fitness, running, weight loss, self improvement, humor, Modern PhilosopherToday, strawberries were on sale.  I bought a box of those, picked up a container of fat free cool whip, and found a packet a shortcakes.  Now I’ll be having that somewhat healthy dessert this weekend.

It hasn’t always been easy to get up at 5:30 to run before work, but I’ve yet to miss a day in five months.  My friends rib me about how many steps I collect, but that just spurs me to get even more the next day.

It feels great when people tell me how skinny I look.  I love making room for my thinner guy wardrobe, and ditching my fay boy clothes.

Aside from being healthier, the best thing about this transformation has been the increase in my self-confidence.  I feel better about myself, I’m not worrying what people think about me, and I’m able to chat up members of the opposite sex more confidently.

No, I haven’t found a girlfriend yet, but let me orchestrate one miracle at a time.

That was a joke.

Sort of.

I’ve made sure to maintain my program over my vacation.  In fact, I’ve actually run an extra day this week.  No slacking off for me.  Not when I still have another 21 lbs to go before I hit the goal I set for myself on April 1.

I truly feel like an entirely different person.  I’m writing more, which I believe is linked to my increase in self-confidence.  I flirt with Mormon missionaries way more than I ever have in my life.

health, fitness, running, weight loss, self improvement, humor, Modern PhilosopherFive months isn’t very much, Modern Philosophers, but changes made over that time can be substantial.  If you want to get back into shape, I encourage you to start right now.  No more excuses.  Just do something active and make this day one of your new health and fitness routine.

If you need any advice or encouragement, feel free to reach out to me.  I’m happy to help.

Remember, you can’t wish away the weight or daydream yourself to a better life.  There needs to be some action.  You can do it.  Just take that first step.

The other 19,999 a day will just fall into place naturally…

Posted in Fitness, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments

Flirting With (A Mormon) Disaster don’t think it’s fair that my desire to find a date might send me to Hell, Modern Philosophers.

However, I know that once I publish this post, The Nuns will storm The House on the Hill in anger, Pope Francis will probably Skype me with a stern lecture, and my Sunday house guest will excitedly set up an office for me down in the eternal Hellfire.

I couldn’t help it, though.  Honest.

In my defense, she was really pretty, extremely sweet, and had a great opening line…

Let me try to explain myself in hopes of keeping the Catholic Guilt from driving me batty, and the angry Nuns from driving me out of Heaven.

Last night around 5:00, I went for a walk.  I was a few blocks from The House on the Hill when I noticed two attractive young women headed in my direction.

I’d never seen these two before, but I’d seen their type in the neighborhood.  They had that look of “Can I talk to you about Jesus?” written all over their faces.

I’d just finished last night’s blog post about being kinder, so I wasn’t going to unleash any of my pent up anti-religion fury if they tried to talk to me, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to strike up a conversation.

As expected, they set their sights on me, and started with simple hellos and then asked, “Do you know what today is?”.

I assumed the answer was going to be something like “The day I open my heart to Jesus” or “The day Jesus saves my soul”.

Trying to be good, and swallowing my usual wise ass answer, I replied, “Wednesday”.

The talkative one, the one who would cause me to spiral down the abyss into Hell, smiled and told me that it was also National Trail Mix Day.  Then she caught me off guard by pulling a bag of trail mix from her satchel and offering me some.

Even I know not to take candy from Mormons…I mean…strangers, but I had to admit that her little opening line had me intrigued.

And then there was the other issue…

She was quite easy on the eyes and had an enchanting smile.

I was smitten.

Flirting with Disaster, Mormons, religion, dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherDespite having absolutely no desire to talk about religion, I decided that this beautiful brown eyed girl could talk to me about anything she wanted.

She introduced herself as Sister M (actual name withheld because it just seems like the Christian thing to do) and explained that she was a Mormon Missionary.

Of course, as soon as she said she was a Mormon, I thought about that HBO show “Big Love”.  I remembered that Bill Paxton had three wives on that one, and I thought that if I got to marry Sister M as part of the deal, then maybe becoming a Mormon wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to me.

I know that’s wrong.

I shouldn’t rush ahead to marriage.  My thoughts should’ve been on dating.  I blame cable TV for poisoning my otherwise pure thoughts.

Forgive me, Father, for I have mentally married myself off to a Mormon.

Truth be told, I had no problem chatting up a very pretty woman on a nice summer night.  We didn’t really talk about religion.  She told me about Utah.  I talked about New York.  She confessed it has always been her dream to move to New York.

Eventually, she got around to her pitch on Jesus and the Mormon Church, but I was pretty clear that I wasn’t big on religion.  I told her I’d be happy to talk more, but only if I got to talk to her.  I made no attempt to hide that my interest was in the Missionary rather than in her mission to convert me.

Flirting with Disaster, Mormons, religion, dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherShe asked me if I’d like a Book of Mormon, but that just made me think of the award winning play with Josh Gad.

I politely declined, and Sister M asked me to consider going to mass some Sunday.  She promised to be there if I attended.

So we parted ways.  Sister M and her Silent Bob of a sidekick headed towards Bangor.  Me off to finish my walk and dwell on the crush I’d developed on the adorable Mormon.

I figured the story would end there, and made a mental note to blog about it today.

Today, after my harrowing trip to the doctor, I decided to reward myself with Chinese food for lunch.  I haven’t had Chinese in forever, and today seemed the perfect day to indulge.

On the walk home, General Tso’s Chicken in tow, I ran into my favorite Mormon.

We were on a completely different street, she immediately smiled in recognition, and greeted me by name.

Sister M looked even prettier in the afternoon sun, and commented on how it must have been fate that brought us together again.

We all know how I feel about fate and signs, Modern Philosophers.

Flirting with Disaster, Mormons, religion, dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherToday, I was wearing my Nite Show pullover, so that got us to talking about the show.

Sister M commented that the show was on much too late for her to watch, but she wrote down the name so she could look it up on YouTube.

Being a wise ass, I made a comment about how Catholics have later curfews.  That made her giggle.

She told me that they were soon getting social media accounts, so maybe she would try to find me online and let me know what she thought of the show.

Again, it was mostly a chat about life other than religion.  If this had been any other circumstance, I probably would have taken this second chance meeting as a sign that I should ask her out.

But she was a Mormon missionary.  Even though I liked her attention, she was easy to talk to, and she was so darn pretty, I knew that she was probably just being all sweet and charming to get me to join her church.  It wasn’t actual interest from an attractive female.

Isn’t that always the way?

Religion is so complicated!

Again, she tried to give me a Book of Mormon, but I declined.  I told her if I ever ran into her a third time, which I knew was highly unlikely as she was assigned to Bangor and Orono and was only in my town for a few more hours, I would take the book.

She promised to watch The Nite Show, wished me well, and headed in the other direction with her silent partner.

General Tso and I returned to The House on the Hill for a feast.

Flirting with Disaster, Mormons, religion, dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherGuess who I ran into on a completely different street while walking off my Chinese food a couple of hours later?

That’s right.  The Nuns are now armed and on their way to The House on the Hill to make sure the Mormons do not get any closer to the lonely Catholic Guy.

Sister M and Silent Sister were on the other side of the street and there was heavy traffic, but she smiled and waved her Book of Mormon at me as she held up three fingers.

A deal is a deal.  She finally made is across the street and gave me my prize.

I made it clear to Sister M that I wasn’t going to read it, that I wasn’t going to go to church, and that I was only interested in talking to her.

She just kept flashing that pretty smile and saying she’d see me at church.

Before leaving, she did ask me where we filmed The Nite Show.  I told her and said she was welcome to join me there any time.

Flirting with Disaster, Mormons, religion, dating, relationships, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo was it wrong of me to flirt with the pretty Mormon?  I did make it clear that I wasn’t interested in joining her church.

There’s nothing wrong with chatting up a beautiful woman that the fates put in my path three times in less than twenty-four hours, right?

I’ll have to ask my guest for some clarification on Sunday.  If anyone’s going to know, it will be him…

Posted in Humor, Dating | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

My Liver Is Not On The Menu Today!

health, fitness, going to the doctor, fear of doctors, Hannibal Lecter, humor, Modern PhilosopherHorror movies and haunted houses don’t frighten me, Modern Philosophers.  In fact, I love to write thrillers and scary screenplays because I take joy in figuring out new and creative ways to give someone else an awesome fright.

But do you know what makes me pee my pants in terror?

Going to the doctor!

I’d almost blocked from my mind how anxious I get at having to visit my PCP.  I might have even “accidentally” forgotten to schedule my physical last year.

In my defense, I always make the appointment during my vacation, and last year, The Sweet Irish Girl was scheduled to visit and I didn’t want her to see me in that sorry state.  Then things got really out of hand with that relationship and going to the doctor was the last thing on my mind.

This year, I made the appointment months ago, knowing full well that I was on this fitness kick and would be proud for the doc to see how healthy I was.

Then theyy rescheduled my appointment last week because my PCP went on paternity leave.  So instead of getting this out of the way on Monday, it has been hanging over my head all week.  And now I’d have to deal with a new doc.

I know the replacement doc.  She is tiny, bubbly, sweet, and super pregnant.  Not at all menacing or scary.  But in my mind, this morning, she looked like this…

health, fitness, going to the doctor, fear of doctors, Hannibal Lecter, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo I drove to the doctor’s with my stomach churning like a witch’s cauldron on Halloween.

Desperately praying that the lambs would stop their screaming.

I was in a near panic in the waiting room as I tried to fill out my paperwork.  My hands were shaking so badly that what I turned in probably looks like Ancient Sanskrit.

When the MA took my blood pressure, it was high.  Not because I have high blood pressure, but because I have an out of control fear of doctors.

I stared at my FitBit and watched my heart rate slowly lessen once the MA left the room and I was able to breathe again.

Just when I thought I had my $%^& together, Dr Lecter…I mean…my doc arrived.

As tiny and bubbly and sweet and pregnant as ever.

health, fitness, going to the doctor, fear of doctors, Hannibal Lecter, humor, Modern PhilosopherBut I still pictured her dining on my liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Even though she really should not be drinking while pregnant.

I just couldn’t clear my mind of the idea that doctors are very, very scary.

When pressed about this paralyzing fear, I always admit that it is linked to my Dad.  He went to the doctor one day, and was told he had cancer and only a few months to live.

Ever since, I’ve been afraid that my innocent annual physical would lead to my being informed of the same fate.

I know it is completely irrational, but over the years, the legend of this evil has grown in my mind.  I don’t exactly come from a healthy genetic pool.  Until five months ago, I was grossly out of shape and probably not at peak health.

It freaks me out that I could feel perfectly fine, and then have a blood test come back and reveal the dark, troubling truth.

So in my mind, which is supposed to be filled with Deep Thoughts and gold nuggets of Modern Philosopher wisdom, it is perfectly logical to conclude that if I never go to the doctor, I can never get bad news about my health.

Makes sense, right?

I know it doesn’t, but just play along!

The doc was quite impressed with my weight loss and healthier way of living.  We had a pleasant chat.  She told me everything looked fine.

health, fitness, going to the doctor, fear of doctors, Hannibal Lecter, humor, Modern PhilosopherShe didn’t try to eat me.

But for all I know, that could have been because she’d just had a big breakfast.

Or maybe since I’d lost so much weight, my leaner form didn’t look as appetizing.

We’ll probably never know for sure.

She dropped me off at the lab for my blood work, and I thought that my anxiety levels were getting back to their normal levels.

But then the patient ahead of me passed out after giving blood.  That never builds confidence in the team with the needles.

Plus, it led to a twenty minute wait to give blood I’d much rather keep in my body.

When I finally was led into the bloodletting room, the MA poked me, but could not draw any of the red stuff.  Again, not building confidence here!

Anxiety levels spiking!

He finally filled two vials, and I ran like the wind to get out of there.  All those months of running religiously paid off big time.  Luckily, I passed my RAV4 in the parking lot, and remembered to drive home, rather than running all the way.

I survived this year.  Just not looking forward to the sequel next summer…

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