Republicans Oppose Cupid’s Plan For Universal Love

Valentine's Day, Cupid, love, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherApparently, President Trump and the Republican Party do not believe that everyone deserves to have a happy Valentine’s Day, Modern Philosophers.

The Republicans today vowed to shoot down Cupid’s proposed plan for Universal Love.

According to the plan set forth by the little archer in the diaper, love would be made available to all, free of charge.

The members of the GOP, which I’m assuming stands for Gang Of Partypoopers, said there is no way such a plan would be allowed on their watch.

“America is a country of freedom and independence, not socialism,” President Trump reminded everyone in a Tweet.  “Love is not a right.  It is a privilege, and wealthy white males get first crack at it.  Cupid can’t just demand that everyone gets love.  Free love was outlawed after the sixties, and it’s going to stay that way!”

Trump wasn’t done (Is he ever???).  “If we were to allow free love for everyone in America, even more illegal immigrants, drug dealers, and terrorists would pour into our country over the southern border, which the Democrats have refused to allow me to protect by denying me the money I need to build a much needed border wall.”

“These foreigners would duct tape our women, take all our chocolates and roses, and try to snatch up reservations at our finest restaurants on Valentine’s Day.  I’m never going to allow that to happen as long as I am President of the United States!”

Valentine's Day, Cupid, love, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherVice President Mike Pence even chimed in on the topic.  “Love should be according to God’s divine plan, and not forced upon us by a young man, scantily clad in a diaper.”

“I don’t care how accurate he is with his mighty bow,” Pence continued in a tone as bland as he is, “Cupid cannot go around making promises of love to every person who gazes upon his angelic face.”

The Vice President’s staff had to rush him off to cool him down with ice cold glasses of milk after that outburst.

Unfortunately, Cupid was not available for comment, as he’s too busy getting ready for Valentine’s Day.

Plenty of stuffy, uptight Republicans were willing to go on the record for this post, but the mere thought of listening to them caused me to fall asleep for almost two hours.

Luckily, there was a highly quotable Democrat willing to share his views on the Republicans’ opposition to Cupid’s proposal.

Bernie Sanders, Valentine's Day, Cupid, love, politics, humor, Modern Philosopher“It is unfair that the top one percent of our dating population gets ninety-nine percent of the best relationships available in our current romantic economy,” Bernie Sanders bemoaned the fate of America’s growing single population.  “The uber rich have their choice of trophy wives and mistresses, while also getting to burst into dressing rooms at beauty pageants.  Meanwhile, the average American has to resort to an awkward set up, or the use of online dating websites.  It simply is not far, and it’s time for a change!”

There’s no word yet on whether the Republicans are willing to approve Cupid’s proposal in exchange for money for a border wall, but even if they were, it seems unlikely that the Democrats would ever finance Trump’s dream project.

Love has never been easy, but something tells me it would be exponentially more difficult if the politicians got involved…

Valentine's Day, Cupid, love, politics, humor, Modern PhilosopherHappy Valentine’s Day, Modern Philosophers!

Posted in Humor, Love, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

The Great Debate

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherIt might surprise you to learn, Modern Philosophers, that I wasn’t a member of the Debate Team.

Sure, I always had opinions I wanted to share, but I learned early on that doing so could get me into trouble.

I was a precocious kid.  A super nerd, who always thought he was right, and didn’t have nearly enough social skills to realize people didn’t like a know it all.

Apparently, sharing my Deep Thoughts rubbed people the wrong way.  Especially those older than me, who didn’t appreciate being shown up by some geeky little kid.

I finally got it through my thick skull that I wasn’t making any friends by showing off how smart I was.

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherI was kind of like Young Sheldon, only without the bow tie and the sweet time slot following The Big Bang Theory.

My stepmother was also fond of the quote:

Children should be seen and not heard.

I eventually got the message, and retreated into my shell.  That was probably the first major step to my becoming an introvert.  So rather than sharing my bright ideas with a world that just didn’t understand me, I put them into my stories.

Writing became my escape, not only from the tedium of the outside world, but also from the eye rolls and confused looks of those somehow trapped in a conversation with me.

And I was cool with it.

I wasn’t fond of being the super smart outcast that no one wanted to take the time to get to know, so it was easier to just hide in my room and let my characters banter.

As I got older, it became harder to hide out and fill five subject notebooks with stories that I would never show another soul.

Eventually, I wanted to mingle with other people.  The opposite sex caught my attention, and I quickly deduced that no one was going to date the silent recluse.

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo I had to come out of my shell.

As awkward as that was.

I just had to learn to curb my enthusiasm for showing off how much I knew about certain subjects, and try to focus on being charming rather than a treasure trove of useless trivia that no teenage girl cared about.

So maybe now you understand why I never had a girlfriend until college.

When I finally got into a serious relationship, I couldn’t help but put my untapped Debate Team skills on display.

J and I would argue a lot.

We were both very intelligent, very opinionated, and very stubborn.

As a writer, I felt it was my responsibility to my chosen profession to show off my command of words every time J and I got into an argument.

In other words, I thought I had had to win every fight.

I always had to get in the last word.

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherI couldn’t let her best me in the word game.  That just wouldn’t be right.

How stupid can someone so bright be?

Well, I was an idiot.  My marriage fell apart for many reasons, but my refusal to back away from an argument was near the top.

I’ve made an effort to shove my Inner Debater into a locker in the darkest corner of the abandoned gymnasium in my mind.

He does get out every now and then.  The Sweet Irish Girl certainlyknew how to lure him out of hiding.  I think it was her brogue that did it.

Nevertheless, that relationship didn’t work out in the end, either.

Now, when I express my opinions, I do so mainly on my blog.  That way, it’s all one sided and I’m not pissing off someone face to face.  And technically, I always get the last word.

But debating isn’t always wrong, Modern Philosophers.

This morning, in fact, I texted one of my closest friends and told her how much I’ve been enjoying debating her about a certain topic.

It’s all done in fun, of course, and I enjoy the witty verbal sparring.  She’s going through a hard time at the moment, so I’m hoping that our little debate is distracting her and making her smile.  And giving her something to think about when she feels lost or alone.

debate team, arguing, friendship, humor, Modern PhilosopherI have no intention of letting it turn ugly with her.  I know now when to step back, how not to be an overbearing word bully, and why it’s important not to hurt the feelings of someone I care about.

Debating can be fun with the right partner.  One doesn’t need to be a Disney Princess to know when it’s time to let it go…

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Not One For The Time Capsule

time capsule, life, humor, Modern PhilosopherI’ve been giving some thought lately to what I would put in the time capsule that I’d  someday bury behind The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers.

It’s not because I’m feeling sentimental or anything, but because I recently watched the episode of Parks and Recreation where the people of Pawnee argue over what should go in their time capsule.

For the record, the Twilight books will not be in my time capsule.

The whole time capsule idea popped into my head today as I was struggling to get through a difficult Wednesday.

I found myself forming the following Deep Thought: “Today is definitely not one for the time capsule!

And that’s the way life is, right?  Not every day is epic, should be remembered with a dreamy diary entry, or really even worthy of the twenty-four hours wasted on it.

If you live to be 70 years old, you’re probably going to experience at least 10 years worth of days like I had to contend with today.

The key is to just survive, and see if tomorrow deserves a spot in the time capsule.

If I wanted to find a silver lining in which to wrap this day before dropping it over the side of a cliff to be lost forever, it would have to be that maybe today was so blah because I actually had a rather exciting weekend for once.

Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherFirst, I found out that this very blog you are currently reading had been nominated for Best Lifestyle Blog at this year’s Annual Bloggers’ Bash.

The lifestyle clearly being one of humor, philosophy, running, writing, horrible dating stories, and plenty of Trump jokes.

I also had a great conversation with my producer about the TV series I’m writing about my time in college.

He sounds confident about getting the series made, and when I lamented that my laptop was dying and slowing down production of new episodes, he told me he would add the cost of a new laptop to the budget he was putting together for the Pilot.

Yes, I’d very much like to see the series go into production, and getting a new laptop would not be the worst thing to ever happen to me.

So double the excitement on that one.

Finally, and I really hesitate to even mention this because I’m extremely superstitious and just know this will jinx everything, but it really makes my point about it being an awesome weekend so I kind of have to share it…

time capsule, life, humor, Modern PhilosopherI met someone I really like.  Who doesn’t seem to hate me.

That’s all I’m willing to say.  If you choose to read this post a second time, please skip over those two paragraphs to decrease the chances of cursing something good.

So maybe now you’ll understand why I felt today wasn’t time capsule worthy.

It’s because this weekend definitely was.

If you were to bury a time capsule, what would you put in it for future generations to unearth?

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

It’s An Honor Just To Tell You I’ve Been Nominated

Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherJust when I was starting to think that this blog would never bring me fame and fortune, I got the call, Modern Philosophers.

Actually, it was an email, this being the age of social media and all.

It was from the Annual Bloggers’ Bash, informing me that my blog had been nominated for Best Lifestyle Blog!

What an unexpected honor!  I’ve been in shock and on a writer’s high for hours.

This is the Annual Bloggers’ Bash 5th year, and my blog’s first nomination.  I have to admit, I was a bit jealous of the nominees in years past because they had received what I had wanted, but did not get.

Now I feel like my blog has finally made it.  All those years of hard work have now led to this wonderful moment.

The awards are in London this June.  I do have my passport and some vacation time, so I am definitely tempted to attend.

The interns are thrilled.  Not necessarily for me, but because they think I’m going to take them with me across the pond for the ceremony.

That’s not happening.  Not in a million years.  My interns are the worst.  I’d much rather attend the awards with my Gargoyle, who could fly me across the ocean on his back and allow me to save on airfare.

Ron Swanson, Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherI would like to visit London, though.  I’m told they have a clock there worth seeing.

Plus, it would be fun to meet some of the bloggers I’ve gotten to know over the years.

Now I have a great pick up line as I venture out into the dating world.

“Want to go to London with me to see if I win a prestigious blogging award?”

I’m sure that’s going to work wonders with the ladies here in Maine.  And if it doesn’t, I could go to London and see how well I hit it off with the British lasses.

I wanted to thank all of you for the support you’ve given this blog over the years.  If you hadn’t kept reading my silly stories, and commenting on them, I would have given up ages ago because blogging is a lot of work!

The blog has certainly changed over the years, but my goal has remained the same: To make you laugh while you think.

Deep Thoughts from the shallow end of the pool has been the tagline since day one.

I suppose I should also thank President Trump.  I’ve written a lot of posts about him in the past year, and perhaps that’s what finally pushed me over the top to earn a nomination.

Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherSo thank you, President Trump, the albatross hung around the necks of the American people by the Electoral College, for inspiring so many blog posts.

I’ll never suffer from writer’s block as long as Agent Orange is in the Oval Office.  Perhaps this bodes well for my chances for future nominations.

I suppose I should also thank my horrible luck in the dating arena.  I mean, who doesn’t value dating advice from a guy who always seem to be single?

I’ve found my niche and you guys really seem to enjoy reading about (laughing at???) my dating misadventures.

And I mustn’t forget my Inner Runner.  That perpetual annoyance drags me out of bed early five mornings a week to go running.  Still not in my Top 50 Favorite Things To Do When I Wake Up, running does, however, fuel many of my blog posts.

So maybe I’ll run to London for the awards ceremony.  That would make for one fantastic blog post once I arrived.

I write because it’s my passion, not because I hope to win awards.

Annual Bloggers' Bash, blogging, awards, humor, Modern PhilosopherThat being said, it’s always been this film nerd’s dream to win an Academy Award for Screenwriting.  And the Annual Bloggers’ Bash Award is the Oscars of Blogging.

It really is an honor just to be nominated.  I’m truly excited, and I just hope that they serve Snapple at the ceremony.

Posted in Humor, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

Trump Blames Democrats For Polar Vortex

Trump, polar vortex, humor, politics, Modern PhilosopherPresident Trump is, as always, hard at work on making us believe he is the smartest man in the country, Modern Philosophers.

Today, Trump again put his intelligence on display by blaming Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats for the polar vortex that has plunged our nation into the next Ice Age.

“The polar vortex is only here because the Democrats won’t give me the money I need to build a border wall,” Trump told reporters as if the statement made perfect sense.  “Everyone knows the polar vortex is just a caravan of cold weather that has illegally entered the United States from Mexico.”

When someone tried to explain to the President that cold weather normally comes down from Canada and other points further north, Trump quickly cut off the explanation.

“Look, weather isn’t that difficult to understand.  If it was, would we let a groundhog do it like we are today?” Trump demanded.

“Don’t get me wrong.  I love groundhogs.  Amazing little animals.  Look at the one that worked with Bill Murray.  If Bill Murray is okay with groundhogs then I am, too.  Because the man is a genius about any number of subjects.”

Bill Murray, Trump, polar vortex, humor, politics, Modern Philosopher“For example, I learned pretty much everything I know about how our military works by watching Stripes,” Trump admitted.  “If our country was ever overrun by ghosts, I’d definitely watch Ghostbusters again.  The original, though.  Not the lame version with the women.”

So what did that rambling tangent about Bill Murray have to do with the polar vortex, Mexico, and the border wall?

“I was proving my point that all cold weather comes into this country illegally from Mexico,” Trump stated.  “That’s why Mexico is always so hot, while our country and Canada are cold.  If we had a border wall, we could keep the cold weather in Mexico where it belongs, and I’d be able to play golf on the White House lawn twelve months a year.  Of course, the Canadians would probably have to give up hockey, but maybe that will force them to work a little and build some character.”

“It’s obvious that Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the Democrats want everyone in this country to freeze to death, but I will not allow that!” Trump roared until his face almost turned from orange to red.

Trump, polar vortex, humor, politics, Modern Philosopher“Walls work,” he continued.  “Are you cold right now?  Have you ever gotten frostbite, or been snowed on while you were inside a building?  Of course not. That’s because buildings have walls.  Usually at least four.  Sometimes more.  Sometimes they are made of gold if you’re lucky enough to live in Trump Tower.  My point is, it’s the walls that keep out the bad weather.  Put a wall along our southern border, and the groundhog will never again need to tell us if we’re having six more weeks of winter because winter won’t be able to get into the country!”

Trump made it clear that 5.7 billion dollars was a small price to pay to never again have to shovel snow or have schools closed due to inclement weather.

Then he went on to state that it was obvious the Democrats wanted Americans to suffer though horrific winters because it made them more dependent on politicians for survival.

When asked to comment on Trump’s statements, Nancy Pelosi was incredibly brief.

Nancy Pelosi, Trump, polar vortex, humor, politics, Modern Philosopher“Please don’t waste my time with another of the President’s genius theories,” Pelosi asked with a forced smile.  “I am too busy trying to save this country from the clutches of a madman who puts his need to keep a ridiculous campaign promise before the needs of the people.”

“She said my theories were genius?” Trump asked with a beaming smile when told of Pelosi’s comments.  “Maybe Nancy isn’t as dense as I thought she was.  It gives me hope that she’ll come around about the wall…”

Posted in Humor, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

How Do You Know You’re In Love?

love, relationships, Valentine's Day, Modern PhilosopherValentine’s Day is rapidly approaching, Modern Philosophers, so I wanted to write about love and relationships.

Unfortunately, there’s not much new to report on those topics in my personal life, other than that I finally gave in to my friend Kori’s suggestion to try a dating app.  More on that later, when I have a better grasp of what the hell I’m doing.

Recently, a close friend admitted that she has never been in love.  I thought she was messing with me because she has been with the same guy for as long as I have known her, and they have kiddos together.

We got to talking, though, and she truly believes that while she loves her boyfriend, she has never been in love with him.

Which got me to thinking: How do you know when you’re in love?

I want to quickly mention that my friend encouraged me to write a blog post about what she told me.  So she is on board with this, and asked me to tackle the topic.  I will, however, keep her identity a secret.

The first Deep Thought that popped into my head was that the idea of “being in love” is different for every person.

love, relationships, Valentine's Day, Modern PhilosopherFor me, being in love means wanting to be with someone all the time, thinking about her constantly, getting butterflies in my stomach when I’m around her, missing her when she’s gone, putting her needs ahead of mine, wanting to be with her physically and emotionally, and carving our initials into the tree under which we shared our first kiss.

There are other aspects to my “being in love formula”, but those are the first things that come to mind.

Next, I thought about all the times I’ve been in love in my life.  I counted six.  Then I really pondered each circumstance and wondered if I’d truly been in love because now my friend had me thinking.

Was I just loosely tossing around the term “I’m in love?”  Had I thought I was in love in the heat of the moment?  Would hindsight make me judge those relationships differently?

Now that I’ve had some time to put my emotions under a microscope, I’m going to amend my original number.

I’ve been in love three times in my life.

How did that total get cut in half?

Well, the first time I thought I was in love, I was 16.  Looking back on it now, it was a very one-sided crush with someone who couldn’t return the feelings because she was 20.  Let’s just say that summer camp makes the heart think crazy things.

love, relationships, Valentine's Day, Modern PhilosopherThe second instance that has been removed from the list was a case of really caring about someone, and having her only want to be best friends.  I pined after her, I was attracted to her, I wanted her to be my girlfriend, but it wasn’t love.

In the third relationship, we both said we loved each other, we dated for a while, and I was sure it was serious.  Looking back, however, I realize it was more of a powerful attraction and infatuation.

Perhaps this was a case similar to my friend’s.  She loves her guy, they are together, and they are serious, but she just isn’t in love with him.

I’m still not one hundred percent clear on the difference between loving someone and being in love.

In my mind, it certainly helps if the term “I love you” is uttered.  However, I’ve just shared two cases where I thought I was in love even though I never told her how I felt, and she never told me she loved me.

Even though I’m foggy on the concept, I am certain I was in love with the three women who still remain on the list.

One of them, would obviously be my ex-wife.  We were together for sixteen years, I was definitely in love with her, but over time, I believe that evolved into just loving her.  And I say that because I knew our relationship had changed.  When things weren’t going well between us, I’d think about life without her, but when I did that, I’d get upset and cry.

I couldn’t possibly see myself without her.  I took that to mean I was in love with her.

Fifteen years after our divorce, I understand that meant I loved her, but was no longer in love.  We’d been together for more than half our lives.  She was important to me.  She had become family.  I might’ve been dependent on her.  Or at least thought I was.

But I was no longer in love with her.  I’m not exactly sure when that all changed.  If it happened gradually, or all at once.  But it happened.

love, relationships, Valentine's Day, Modern PhilosopherEven though her cheating on me and divorcing me broke my heart, it was for the best because we weren’t in love anymore.  And I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone if we weren’t in love.

This got me to thinking if I could ever again be in love with the three women on my list.

My ex-wife is a definite no.  I stopped being in love with her, and then she did things that made me doubt I could ever love again.  As a result, it would be impossible for me to come around and ever be in love with her again.

As for the other ladies, I was still in love with both when our relationships ended.  When I think about them, which happens from time to time, it is clear that they still hold a very special place in my heart, and very well might still control he butterflies in my tummy.

Should they ever magically appear in my life again, falling in love would be a possibility because I don’t think I ever quite fell out of it.

But that is me and my definition of being in love.  I’m curious to know how you define being in love.

Have you ever been in love?  Looking back now, would you change your thoughts about a relationship where you thought you were in love?

Posted in Dating, Humor, Love | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 39 Comments

Back Among The Living

humor, life, introverts, Modern PhilosopherI do not make a secret of the fact that I am an introvert, Modern Philosophers.

I prefer to lock myself away from the world by choice, not because some renegade germs tell me I cannot frolic with the masses.

Being sick for a week was Hell.

Maybe I wanted to go out and socialize.  Perhaps I wanted to tear down my walls and allow other humans access to me and my innermost feelings.

We’ll never know for sure, though, because I was confined to my sickbed by the flu bug.

It was a rough seven days, and I’m still not sure how I survived.  All I know is that I’m feeling better, and ecstatic to be free to do whatever I choose.

Even if what I choose to do is sit home alone and avoid everyone.

Because this is America, and I’m free to do what I want.

Despite not being a social butterfly, I did resent not having the option to spread my wings and be free had the mood hit me.

Strangely, what I missed the most was running.  For an entire week, I could not not put on my sneakers and hit the road.  Breathing was difficult, I was lightheaded at times, and I strongly believed that I should never be too far from a toilet.

humor, life, introverts, Modern PhilosopherSo the runs had to wait.  And I got antsy.  It pissed me off to fall down the leader board on my fitness app.  I always get the most steps every week, but since I couldn’t run, I couldn’t stay at the front of the pack.

Not cool, flu bug.  Not cool!

As my step count diminished, my resting heart rate climbed.  And my boredom spiked.

While I might not always be the biggest fan of running, I have this lovely trait of wanting things I cannot have. As a result, all I wanted to do was run.

Cabin fever is real, Modern Philosophers.  Even more so when you have a fever, and it’s constantly snowing.  Then you really feel trapped and delirious!

For some reason, all I wanted to do was run.  I think it was because I needed to feel healthy again.  When I run, I feel alive and unstoppable.

When I’m trapped inside with germs running rampant through my body, I feel helpless and decrepit.

Plus, I’m really not a fan of blowing my nose until it’s redder than Rudolph’s.

You know things have reached a breaking point, when you’re itching to run three miles in a blizzard.

I finally got my wish.  I went for my first run in a week last Saturday, and this morning, I pushed myself for four miles after doing shorter runs all week.

humor, life, introverts, Modern PhilosopherI feel good.

I feel human.

I feel alive.

Who knew running could be so good for you???

I’m just thrilled to be back among the living, because being a flu riddled sack of clammy flesh is no fun.

Do I have any wild plans for the weekend?  Of course.  I’m going to stay inside and relax.

I might have gotten rid of the flu germs, but my inner introvert has no plans to leave…

Posted in Fitness, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments