Maine National Guard Forcibly Removes Snow Miser From State

Snow SoldiersAfter Mainers woke up this morning to find their state covered in snow, Governor Paul LePage ordered the Maine National Guard to locate Snow Miser and remove him from the Pine Tree State.

“Governor LePage decided that the good people of Maine had suffered enough this Winter, and it was time to take drastic steps to force Snow Miser from our borders,” was the story a LePage spokesperson tried to pass off to the assembled media.

No one, including this Modern Philosophers, was buying that story.  More on that later.  Let’s shift the focus back onto Maine’s newest heroes.

The Guard Unit, dubbed Snow Team 6 for the mission, used intel provided by Alien aircraft in the area.  “Our Alien friends quickly located the subject’s lack of a heat signature with their advanced technology,” Colonel Jerome “Big Jerry” Michaud explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “My men used that information to corner the target and his associates in Bar Harbor.”

Snow MiserWitnesses reported that the snow suddenly came down with blizzard-like ferocity and that winds increased to near gale force at around 10:00 in Bar Harbor.

“That was Snow Miser’s last stand,” Colonel Michaud stated proudly.  “He threw everything he had at us, but my men are Mainers.  There was nothing the subject could do that would deter us.  He only prolonged the inevitable.”

As crowds cheered, Snow Miser, Maine’s Public Enemy Number One this Winter, was led down Maine Street in handcuffs and a special touch added by Snow Team 6: a sun bonnet.

By noon, Snow Miser was well across the Maine border and warned that there would be serious consequences should he return before November 1.

The sun made an appearance, and soon there was no sign whatsoever of the morning snow.  Shortly thereafter, Governor LePage’s people made sure we knew that the Governor had given the order to banish Winter for good.

But had he?  Any Mainer will tell you that the Governor is not a man of action unless it’s to do something to piss off his constituents.  So why the sudden call to action?  Was it a calculated move to win back voters?

All Hallow's“This wasn’t LePage,” a highly placed source in the Otherworldly Being Community told this Modern Philosopher.  “The All Hallows Society made the call.  They had to allow the Governor to take credit for legal reasons.”

The All Hallows Society is Maine’s powerful,  mysterious, and totally anonymous organization that oversees anything associated with Otherworldly Beings.  Some say that the group actually runs Maine, and the Governor is only a figurehead.

Because only the Governor or the President can mobilize the National Guard, the All Hallows Society remained in the shadows, as usual, and pulled the strings necessary to make their LePage puppet dance.

Why would the mysterious leaders in the scary hooded robes care about a little Spring Snow?  “Easter is this weekend,” my source explained.  “The Easter Bunny was not thrilled with the idea of hopping down Maine’s Bunny Trail if it was covered in snow and slush.  He made one call, and the All Hallows Society sprung into action.”

bunnyThat’s the way it should be, Modern Philosophers.  We can’t have the Easter Bunny getting injured or being delayed by Winter weather, can we?

Since he starts his deliveries in Maine and works his way across the country, any trouble the Easter Bunny encountered here could mean no Easter Baskets or Easter Eggs for children in the other forty-nine states.

Snow Miser had long overstayed his welcome, regardless, so I am grateful that a group like the All Hallows Society exists to deal with such a menace.

Hopefully, it’s all sunshine and warmth from here!

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy, Spring | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Easter Eggs Politely Ask To Not Be Referred To As “Colored”

easter eggsEaster Eggs today announced that they would would really liked it if people stopped referring to them as “Colored”.

In a statement released by the N Double Egg CP, the society that oversees the rights and interests of eggs, the world was asked to try using the term “Easterized”.

“It’s simply a more egg friendly term,” Orville Benedict, an N Double Egg CP spokesman, explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “Easterized really shines a light on the Holiday we’re celebrating, and our membership thinks the word really speaks for them.”

The statement came as a bit of a surprise to the non-egg community for a number of reasons.  One of those being that no one was aware that there was an international alliance that looked out for eggs.

more eggs“Oh, we’ve been around for almost a century,” Benedict explained as he passed me some literature printed on tie dyed, egg shaped paper.  “You should like this little tidbit, Modern Philosopher: the group was formed to push for eggs as the answer to the age old philosophical question regarding whether the egg or the chicken came first.”

I had no idea that Easter Eggs were bothered by the term “colored”.

“Did you ever ask an egg?” Benedict questioned and then chuckled.  “Of course you didn’t because eggs can’t speak.  I assure you, however, that they don’t like that word.  You have to realize that being selected to be an Easter Egg is the highest honor any egg can receive.  So the N Double Egg CP just wants to make sure that this glorious moment is all it’s cracked up to be for the little oval officer.”

Benedict looked at me, dying for me to laugh at his corny egg humor.  I rewarded him with a smile and then another question.

If eggs can’t speak, how does Benedict’s organization know what eggs want?

“Telekeneggsis, of course,” he told me with a straight face.  “We have a psychic connection with the eggs.  It’s a higher calling.  We feel so blessed.”

It all started to make sense to me at that moment.  I had a very special guest at The House on the Hill, and it was just about time to show him the door.

“Thank you so much for meeting with me to discuss this issue,” Benedict said sincerely as he shook my hand emphatically.  “This is Easter Week, which is an extremely busy time for Easter Eggs, otherwise, I would’ve brought some along to meet you.  Trust me, when I say that all the eggs out there, be they Easter, hard boiled, poached, or whatnot, are very thankful that you are using your blog to get the word out about our new buzz word.  You don’t know how much this means to us.”

color eggsAs odd as the conversation had been, my guest was incredibly passionate about eggs and how Easter Eggs are labeled.

Sure, he seemed a little cracked, but who isn’t?  Spread the word about Easterized.

If we all work on it, the transition in terms will go over easy…

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May The Storm Pass Over That Runner In The Toga

Just go runWhat a difference a couple of days make, Modern Philosophers.

When I went for a run on Saturday, I felt as fresh as a Spring flower in bloom.  Tonight, however, I felt like a sunflower wilting under the weight of a year’s worth of Mondays.

It was a gorgeous Spring day in Maine, and I was determined to go for a run after work.  When I left the office, though, it was cloudy and the wind was picking up like it intended to cause trouble.

Normally, this would be a perfect excuse for me to skip my run and just unwind at The House on the Hill after a stressful day on the job.  However, I was not going to slack it up tonight.  Not on Passover.  The Passover Penguins would not be proud of me, and they would pass over The House on the Hill without leaving me any canned goods.

So I hurriedly fed Banky, put on my running toga, laced up my sneakers and rushed out into the windy early evening.  I knew there was no way I could outrun a storm, but I was betting on my ability to run out and back before the storm hit.

running-in-the-rainBecause, as we all know, I am made of sugar, and the rain would melt me.  This was why I had to get back to The House on the Hill before the pending downpour.

I guess I was expecting a Passover Miracle because I charged up the first hill on my route way too quickly.  Not only did the powerful wind do its best to repel my assault of that hill, but my own lungs and legs betrayed me.  I was sore and huffing and puffing before I’d even gone half a mile.

Clearly, this was going to be a difficult run.  The thought of quitting and going home did cross my mind.  Luckily, it was a fleeting one, rather than a Deep Thought.

Some days, the mind is willing, but the body just isn’t as young as it used to be.  Regardless, I told myself I was getting in my 3 miles if I had to walk or crawl.  This was the beginning of a new running program, and I wasn’t going to quit on Day 2.

There was walking involved.  There was cursing.  There was pain.  I made it back to The House on the Hill in a time that was two minutes slower than Saturday’s.  That shocked me.  I was sure the walking had destroyed my time, but I guess not.

PassoverIt was a Passover Miracle!

Fittingly, the song playing on my MP3 player as I finished up my stretching was “DOA” by Foo Fighters.  Yes, I felt dead on arrival, but I kept my promise to run today.  That’s all I can really ask at this point.  Once I get back into a running groove, days like this will be a distant memory.

Now, I plan to relax, watch The Good Wife and the Season Premiere of Mad Men, and allow the soreness to consume my body.  Happy Passover!

Posted in Fitness, Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Monday Morning Coffee Club: Passover 2014

Cofee signHappy Passover, Modern Philosophers!

I’m Catholic, but my heart belongs to a sweet, dimple cheeked Jewish girl, so I like to celebrate her Holidays as well.

Let’s not forget, of course, that’s it still Monday.  Ugh.

My Monday has gotten off to a horrible start, and I have a bloody finger to prove it.  I have official resigned as veterinarian of The House on the Hill.  Banky fought me like a cougar this morning when I tried to give him his medicine.  He spit out the pill six times, and tore up my finger pretty badly in the process.  I only managed to get him to take half of the liquid medicine before I gave up on the task and hung up my lab coat for good.

The way I see it, Modern Philosophers, is that if Banklyn can put up that much of a fight and draw so much blood, he must be feeling better.  That’s logic I’m willing to accept, and it’s more reason to never take him to the vet.  If he’s willing to cut up the one person who loves him and cares for him, I don’t even want to form Deep Thoughts on what he’d do to a complete stranger.

I guess Zeus was smiling on me this morning, though, and perhaps showing some mercy on me since I’m already dealing with a Bloody Monday.  After the Banky Bloodletting Incident, I checked my email to discover a long, sweet message from The Girl Who I Miss So Dearly.  It was exactly what I needed to improve my mood, and I totally ratted out Banky to her.  He’s in big trouble now!

MondayIt’s supposed to be a gorgeous day, maybe even get into the 70s.  If that’s true and I can survive another Monday, I might go for a run when I get home from work tonight.  I’d love to get back into the habit of doing that as it is a great way to blow off steam after a rough day.

Of course, I’ll believe the beautiful weather when I actually experience it.  After being 65 on Saturday, it snowed yesterday.  Snowed.  I think Mother Nature needs to stay on her meds because I cannot take anymore of this Bipolar Vortex!

Enjoy the coffee, Modern Philosophers.  Just make sure to clean up after yourselves, and steer clear of Banky.  He is feisty today!

Happy Passover!  I hope the Passover Penguins bring you all the canned goods you put on your wish list!

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The Lovely Rejects

RejectionHappy Sunday, Modern Philosophers!

While Sunday is traditionally the day of rest, it is also the day of rejection on this blog.  A new episode of The Nite Show with Danny Cashman aired last night, with three of my jokes being used in Danny’s opening monologue.

As is my tradition, I will now share some of my jokes that did not make it onto the air…

Seventeen years ago tonight, The Nite Show premiered.  We’re still using the same jokes, and we promise to remain on the air until you give in and start laughing at them!

Scarlett Johannson is pregnant.  In an unusual twist, this marked the first time that every male in attendance at The Maury Povich Show tried to admit to being the baby’s father…

Easter is next Sunday.  A giant rabbit is going to sneak into your house, hide tie dyed colored eggs, and leave behind a basket lined with special grass that’s filled with enough treats to fight off the worst case of the munchies.  How is this holiday even legal outside of Washington and Colorado?

nite logoIncome taxes need to be filed by Tuesday, the 15th.  Anyone know what a Tax Shelter is?  It’s where you end up living after you decide to not pay your taxes and the IRS audits you…

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s latest film bombed at the box office.  That marks the third consecutive flop of his post-Gubernatorial acting career.  When asked if he’d ever give Hollywood a shot, Maine Governor Paul LePage responded that he’d rather keep his flops limited to his political career.

A new campaign called “Do It For Denmark” encourages that country’s citizens to have more sex to help a dwindling population.  Thinking like this is exactly how they earned the nickname “Great Danes”!

The world’s tallest Ferris Wheel opened earlier this month in Las Vegas.  Now after losing their savings, despondent people can ride to the top and make sure that what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas…

I know that last one was a little edgy, but I had to give it a shot.  How in the world did the decision makers in that city think a giant Ferris Wheel was a good idea?

Danny started the monologue with my infamous Palm Sunday joke.  The Nuns have yet to storm The House on the Hill with their rulers to punish me for that one, but I remain ever vigilant.  Sometimes, you just have to make a great sacrifice to amuse the masses…

Nite ShowIf you live in Maine, please watch The Nite Show when it airs on Saturday nights.  I’m still trying to convince Danny to make the monologues available to share with you on the blog.

Even if you don’t live in Maine, you can show your support for the only show willing to let me for for it by liking The Nite Show’s Facebook page or following the show on Twitter @TheNiteShowME.  Let Danny know you’re a fan.

What did you think of my rejects, Modern Philosophers?  Any of them make you chuckle?

Posted in Funny, Humor, Philosophy, Television, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Maine Zombies To Fast For Passover; No One Tells Them They Have Their Holidays Confused

Austin:

Maine’s Zombies wish you a happy Passover!

Originally posted on The Return of the Modern Philosopher:

Passover Maine Zombies announced today, via the Zom-Be Friends social networking site, that they intended to honor the Passover holiday by fasting.

As a result, Governor LePage has temporarily lifted the 7pm curfew that has been in place since the St. Paddy’s Day Zombie Massacre.  “The streets of Maine are safe tonight,” LePage announced to reporters as he entered a Dunkin Donuts this morning.  “We’re working on making them safe permanently, but there’s still a lot of work to be done as a result of all the ridiculous drinking that went on last weekend.”

As reported on this blog last week, Maine Zombies went on a rampage over St Patrick’s Day Weekend, feasting on all the Mainers who had passed out in public places after celebrating a little too hard.

ZombiesThis Modern Philosopher is not Jewish, but I was pretty sure that Passover wasn’t a holiday that focused on fasting.  In…

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I Advise You To Stop Your Wining

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

Let me begin by warning you that I am writing this in the dark with my sunglasses on, so please forgive me for any typos.

Also, if you could reply in a whisper, I would really appreciate it.  I’m a little sensitive to light and sound right now, so thanks for your consideration.

Here’s my problem.  I let the genie out of the bottle last night, and by that, I mean I let the wine (and lots of it) out of the wine bottle.

It was Girls’ Night Out, something that rarely happens around here.  We’re all working mothers, and there just never seems to be any time for the ladies to go out and have fun without the hubbies and children in tow and demanding all of our attention.

We found this lovely little bar with a fabulous wine selection, and not only did we stay out until 9:30, but each of us had three glasses of wine!  I know that’s wildly out of character and totally irresponsible, but if you had a husband and three kids demanding every moment of your time, you’d let that gorgeous grape genie out of the bottle, too.

What am I supposed to do today?  My four loud, demanding, unrelenting housemates are going to be up any moment and I’m sure they’re going to insist on turning on the lights and pulling back the drapes and talking to me.

How do I survive?  How do I undo the evil I uncorked last night?

Momma With A Taste For The Grape

wineDear Grape Goddess,

Don’t sweat it.  We’re all allowed to have a little fun every now and then.

I feel your pain.  Despite being a tall guy, I am a lightweight when it comes to adult beverages.  One glass of wine, and I get a buzz.  Of course, when I get tipsy, the Hopeless Romantic comes out to play.

I have a sneaking suspicion that is why The Girl Who Loves Wine always made sure I had a bottle of her favorite vino chilling in the fridge at The House on the Hill.

It sounds like you definitely need to let your hair down a little.  You have earned it, and I’m sure your husband and children would agree that Mommy needs her alone time.  Today might be an excellent day to enforce that idea.  Send them off to a movie or to run errands so that you can have the dark, quiet house to yourself.

I advise you to stop your wining, though.  Clearly, wine has a powerful effect on you.  Perhaps next time there’s a Girls’ Night Out, you should try something like Tequila or a fruity drink followed by a shot of something dark and powerful.

Just no more wine for you.  It is not your friend, even though you find that grape genie to be gorgeous and quite tempting.

Enjoy your Sunday.  Drink lots of water and keep the ibuprofen handy.

Austin

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, observations, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments