This time, however, the guardians of the North Pole are marching through Washington, DC to protest President Obama’s Healthcare Plan aka Obamacare.
“We’re sick and tired of just standing around and watching America go to Hell,” Colonel Randall “Woody” Woodrow, the Commander of the North Pole Battalion, explained to this Modern Philosopher. “Most of my soldiers were made in America, and they love the country very much. What President Obama and the Democrats are trying to force down the throats of the American people is just wrong, especially during the Holiday Season!”
Is it safe to leave the North Pole unguarded this time of year? “I’m not bringing everyone, Austin,” Colonel Woody reassured me, “and it only takes Santa or Mrs. Claus and one of my men to launch the nuclear missiles that protect Santa’s Village from attack.”
“We’re not looking to start any trouble,” he continued. “We just want to use our notoriety to bring some attention to an issue that the President is trying to sweep under the carpet and then cover with a giant Christmas Tree and tons of presents. We’re going to march, bang on some drums, and hopefully wake up the politicians in the District of Columbia and remind them that their constituents need them right now.
President Obama told this Modern Philosopher that he has no plans to meet with the Wooden Soldiers. Vice President Biden, on the other hand, was a totally different story.
“The Wooden Soldiers are coming to The White House?” he asked excitedly when he called me following my call with the President. “I was listening on the other line, and I heard you guys talking about it. Is it true? Are they really coming?”
He did not ask me what they were protesting. All he cared about was what time they would be arriving and who he needed to talk to so he could meet them.
“I’ve got to wear my cup, of course,” Biden told me. “I had some really painful experiences with Wooden Soldier Nutcrackers on three straight Christmases. I have totally learned my lesson, though. If I wear a cup, I’m cool and the boys are safe.”
I tried to explain to Mr. Biden that not all Wooden Soldiers were Nutcrackers, but it just wasn’t getting through the shell of the tiny nut he called a brain.
Colonel Woody was thrilled with the news. “He’s not the President, but he’s still a fairly important person in the scheme of things,” the old soldier commented. “I would love the opportunity to meet with him and share my views on the Obamacare debacle. Heck, I might even put in a good word for him with Santa if it goes well.”
I don’t have the world’s greatest health insurance, but I’m happy with it, and thank my lucky stars I don’t have to deal with this Obamacare nonsense. Happy Holidays!