More Souls Choosing Hell Over Heaven Due To Cheaper Housing Options

The week from Hell literally earned that designation tonight when I returned to The House on the Hill to find The Devil, my most frequent uninvited house guest, making himself at home on my couch.  Not only was he drinking my last Snapple, but he had also ordered some ridiculous pay per view movie that he didn’t even seem to be watching.

“What’s been going on, buddy boy?” Satan asked me as he held up the bottle of Snapple in salute.  “I’ve been trying to make myself scarce, but you know how much I love to relax on this couch.”

Lucifer is a horrible liar.  He says he likes my beat up couch, but he hangs out at my place because he has very few friends, he knows there’s always something in my fridge, and he can count on me to listen to him when he wants to talk about his problems.

When I pressed him on why he hadn’t been around lately, his answer caught me completely off guard.  “I know there’s something you desperately want, and I’m worried that you’ll offer me your soul in exchange for it.  As much as I wouldn’t want to take it, I cannot say no when I’m offered a soul.  I’m just trying to make sure you get to Heaven where you belong, my friend.”

Clearly, my horned pest was alluding to The Girl I Love With All My Heart And Soul.  It had honestly never crossed my mind to use my pull with Satan to bring her back to me, and now that he had brought it up, I had to fight very hard to bury the idea in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind.  I wanted to win her back, but on my terms.  Love should never include a Deal with The Devil.

He could see I was vexed, so he kindly changed the topic.  “Speaking of going to Heaven, did you know that there has been a steady rise in the number of souls voluntarily choosing to go to Hell?  Thought that fact might rustle your toga a little.”

I eyed him suspiciously.  Like I said earlier, he’s a horrible liar.  Then again, he is Satan.

“I’m serious,” he continued upon seeing my doubt.  “It’s a money thing.  It costs a hell of a lot less, pun intended, to live with me than it does to live up on cloud nine with all the harp strummers.”

This Modern Philosopher was honestly confused by that statement.  It costs money to exist in the afterlife?  “Nothing is free, Austin,” Lucifer reminded me as he polished off the Snapple and continued to ignore the movie on my TV.  “Remember, you can’t take it with you, so everyone arrives in the great hereafter in the same dire financial straits.  Might I point out that Heaven is a gated community?  Places like that are expensive!”

It had been a very long week, and my brain was still preoccupied with the idea of trading my soul for the happiness I wanted more than anything else in the world, so I was having difficulty determining if Lucifer was being honest, or totally yanking my toga.

“Heaven’s got wicked electricity bills since the place is all about the bright lights, and those guardian angels who patrol the place do not come free,” he continued with his reasons for why living inside the Pearly Gates was so expensive.  “I’m a total slum lord, it’s dark and dreary, but at least the place has got free central heating.  Who wants to spend eternity worrying about the mortgage, when you can come down and live in my ghetto for next to nothing?”

I went to the kitchen, grabbed a beer, and trudged back to the living room, where I plopped down on the couch next to my pitchfork wielding guest.  Making mortgage payments was a drag.  My electric bills are outrageous.  I don’t write full time because I have to pay the damn bills.  Do I really have to keep paying them even after I die?

The Devil just nodded and finally turned his attention to the movie.  “By the way, I ordered a couple of pizzas and gave them your credit card number.”

I didn’t answer.  My mind was racing.  Too many Deep Thoughts about a topic I hadn’t even known would need any gray matter delegated to it.

That’s the curse of the Modern Philosopher…there’s always something to think about and cause more stress.  Damn you, Satan!  Why must you make a horrible week even worse?

As if reading my mind, he turned to me and smiled Devilishly.  “You just say the word, and it’s the Love of Your Life, not me, sitting on this couch next to you.”

I wanted to strangle him, but I knew murder was a sure way to get myself an afterlife with my victim as my landlord.  Definitely not the way I wanted to spend eternity.

I turned my head to the left, glanced at the photo on the mantel of me with The Girl Who Is My Angel, and got my homicidal urges under control.  I asked him what he’d gotten on the pizzas.  “Pepperoni, mushroom, and green pepper on one.  Extra cheese and extra meats on the other.”

The Devil was good for something.  I decided to let him live.

Remember you can follow this Modern Philosopher on Twitter  @Austin_Hodgens.

 

Study Shows 63% of Spelling Bees Take Place on Wens…I Mean…Wednesdays

A new poll released today by the Government Office of Official Polling (GOOP) revealed that over sixty percent of all spelling bees held in America take place on the day of the week that is most often spelled incorrectly.

While this Modern Philosopher still enjoys the memory of winning the seventh grade spelling bee by spelling “silhouette” correctly (how the heck did I know there was an “h” in there???), I cannot remember if that triumph took place on a Wednesday.

More importantly, though, why is there an entity known as “GOOP”, and how much of my tax dollars go towards funding this organization?  If my toga had sleeves, I would’ve rolled them up and immediately gotten to work investigating.

Turns out that GOOP was founded in 1977 by President Jimmy Carter (does it surprise anyone that the Democrats are to blame for this?) because little Amy Carter was a huge fan of polling.  Fine.  So what’s the deal with this new study about Spelling Bees and the days of the week?

“I’m really glad you called, Austin,” Sarah Adams, the GOOP Leader (her real title!) told me when I called GOOP Headquarters.  “The phone only usually rings when it’s a wrong number, so it was a thrill to get someone on the phone who really wanted to reach us.”

What exactly does GOOP do?  “We are the official polling agency of the US Government,” Adams explained, “but with all the other major polling organizations out there, and anyone able to conduct a poll online and through social media, people seem to have forgotten that we’re here.”

“We do a lot of independent polling, and then announce the results of our findings to justify our continuing to receive paychecks,” she admitted sheepishly.  “Truth be told, one of our interns came up with the Spelling Bee idea, and then we thought it would be cool if  we could prove that they were mostly held on Wednesdays.  Nerd humor, I know, but it’s a Government job and has awesome benefits, so we do what we can to keep it.”

This agency even has interns?  Sounds like government waste at its worst.  “We did conduct a poll asking if people thought this office was unnecessary and a waste of tax dollars,” Adams told me smugly.  “According to my pollsters, the results were that America is 100% in favor of keeping us up and running.”

Why do I think that the margin of error on GOOP’s work might be right around 100%?

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Should President Obama cut programs like GOOP, or allow blatant government waste like this to continue?  Have you ever received a call about a very odd topic and wondered who had commissioned the poll?  Do you think that the Calendar Commission should consider an easier, alternate spelling for Wednesday?

I look forward to your comments.  I will be checking them for spelling errors…

 

#Zeus To Write Children’s Book About Greek Gods

Zeus took time out from his busy life on the campaign trail in Maine today to hold a press conference at the Books-A-Million store in the Bangor Mall, where he announced that he has signed a deal to write a children’s book.

Tentatively titled “Goo Goo God God”, the story would focus on the Greek Gods as babies.  “I thought this would be an intriguing way to introduce a new generation of mortals to the Gods,” Zeus told this Modern Philosopher as we sat down in the BAM cafe for a Snapple after the big announcement.  “It would also give adults a new perspective on the residents of Mount Olympus, showing them as they were before they became so powerful.  Tell me right now, Austin: What’s cuter than a baby in a toga?”

This book deal is the next phase in Zeus’ master plan for the Greek Gods to once again dominate the world of entertainment.  He has already expanded into social media with his extremely popular contest to name his newly appointed God of Social Media.  He then reached out to an older generation by making retired Pope Benedict his God of Retirement.  Now, he has become a power broker in the political arena by endorsing and then taking over as Campaign Manager for Mayor McCheese in his run for Governor of Maine.

“It saddens me, Austin, that most mortals know nothing about Greek Mythology,” Zeus said with a heavy sigh.  “I’ve been working steadily to raise awareness, and what better way to do that than by teaching babies about the gods?  I see this as a series of stories in which the gods, and the kiddos hearing the tales, would grow up together.  In that way, the children would think of the Greek Gods as their best pals.”

Judging from the packed house here today and the mighty applause Zeus gets at every Mayor McCheese campaign stop, it seems like the strategy is working.  “People need to realize that The Gods are more powerful than The Avengers, The Jedi Knights, all of Starfleet, and the combined Alumni of Hogwarts.  They’re cooler than any character in a Tarantino flick, and they’re better role models than any athlete.”

You’ve sold me, Zeus.  Put this Modern Philosopher down for an autographed first edition.  I’ll make sure to wear my formal toga to the book signing.

What’s next for Zeus?  He flashed me that million dollar smile and winked.  “You’ll just have to wait and see, my friend.”

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Will you be buying Zeus’ book for the little one in your life?  Which Greek God do you think was the most rambunctious child?  Which one do you think was the most adorable?

Don’t forget…you can follow me now on Twitter  @Austin_Hodgens

Monday Postponed Because Of Rain; Rescheduled For Tomorrow

The Calendar Commission announced today that Monday has been postponed because of rain, and would be rescheduled for tomorrow.  There simply will be no Tuesday this week.

The Commission normally waits awhile before canceling a day of the week, but they took action early because “it was clear the rain was not going to let up any time soon”.

This Modern Philosopher is among millions, if not billions, of people unhappy with the announcement, but there is no organization on Earth with the power to overturn a decision made by the Calendar Commission.

“Look, we know people are upset because they’ve got to wake up and do Monday all over again,” Ricky Diaz, a Commission spokesperson admitted to this Modern Philosopher.  “What people don’t realize is that we are contractually bound to have a certain number of Mondays in every calendar year.  With next Monday being Memorial Day, we’re already down a Monday this month, and we just could not lose another.  Not this early in the year.  I ask the world to cut us a little slack.  It’ll be the weekend soon enough.”

I asked Mr. Diaz what today was if Monday had been postponed, and he gave me a long, blank, evil stare before replying, “It’s Rainday, Toga Boy.  Go jump in a puddle.”

Regardless of what Mr. Diaz or The Calendar Commission want the world to believe, it was quite clear that the gentleman was suffering from a classic case of the Mondays.  Hopefully, he doesn’t take out his bad mood on the other journalists he needs to speak to today about this controversial decision.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Was the Calendar Commission too hasty in its decision to postpone Monday?  I’m sitting out on the porch of The House on the Hill right now, basking in the “Rainday” sun.  Do you think the Commission has too much power?  How do you think you will react to waking up and realizing that it’s Monday again?

Maybe I should find Bill Murray and get his thoughts on this…

Remember, I’m on Twitter now.  Follow me @Austin_Hodgens.

 

 

I Think I’m On Twitter Now (Feel Free To Follow…)

While The House on the Hill is often filled with Otherworldly Beings, none of them are really computer savvy or into social networking.  I’ve been wanting to get on board with this whole Twitter thing, but my fears of change and trying anything new have gotten in the way.

However, I took the plunge and just set up a Twitter account.  I think.

Once I get the hang of how it works, I’ll bring the Deep Thoughts of the Modern Philosopher to the Twitter World.

If you want to follow me, my Twitter Handle is @Austin_Hodgens.

If you send me a message and I don’t respond, it’s only because I haven’t figured it out yet.

Please feel free to use the Comments section to explain how Twitter works.  Thanks.  I really am kind of hopeless as The Girl Who Handled All My IT Issues will confirm…

Tin Man In Talks To Take Over Iron Man Franchise Should Robert Downey, Jr Walk Away

With Iron Man 3 well on its way to making a trillion dollars at the box office, Marvel is already hard at work on planning an Avengers sequel and Iron Man 4.  The big question now is: Will Robert Downey, Jr return to play Tony Stark/Iron Man and if so, how much is it going to cost the studio?

This Modern Philosopher has read in several publications that Downey’s current deal earned him over $50M for the latest Iron Man flick.  With that movie breaking box office records all over the world, it seems logical that the actor would ask for a raise to play the character again.

Reports indicate, however, that Downey is hesitant about a return.  He’s already donned the costume four times and made more than enough money to keep him from ever needing to work again.  You could probably make more Avengers movies without Iron Man, but it would be pretty hard to continue the Iron Man franchise without him.  So who might the studio bring in to take over the role?

“We are in talks with The Tin Man,” Stanley Kirby, a studio executive with knowledge of the situation told this Modern Philosopher.  “He was stellar in The Wizard of Oz, and basically retired after that.  He’s been itching to get back to work, and we are definitely interested in his take on the Iron Man character.”

Wouldn’t that be a bit of a stretch?  “Not at all,” Kirby assured me.  “When we were casting for the original film, Robert was definitely a stretch at the time.  He hadn’t really been working and he’d had some well publicized personal issues.  We took a chance on him, and look at how that turned out.”

He did have a point.  Iron Man is definitely the role that revitalized Robert Downey, Jr’s career, and has made the world forget about previous incidents with the law.  But The Tin Man?  He’s had one role to his credit over the past century.

“America loves a Cinderella story,” Kirby told me as he counted giant stacks of money on his desk.  “Just look at Cinderella.   That’s a great flick.  Robert was a big risk that paid out a huge reward.  The Tin Man is a tremendous risk, so logic dictates he will pay out such a huge reward that everyone involved with the franchise is going to make enough money to buy a continent.  Since there are only seven of those, there are going to be many disappointed, but insanely rich people on the studio lot.”

I thanked Kirby for his time, and he handed me a giant stack of hundred dollar bills when he shook my hand.

I’m not convinced that The Tin Man would make an adequate replacement for Robert Downey, Jr, but the studio clearly knows what it’s doing with the Iron Man flicks, so I’m just going to keep my opinions to myself, deposit that cash into my account, and just report the news.

What do you think, Modern Philosophers?  Would Iron Man be the same without Robert Downey, Jr?  Who could you see taking over the role?  Do you think The Tin Man would be a good casting choice?

I definitely need to get back to work on my screenplay.  I’d forgotten how ridiculously generous Hollywood executives can be with money when you catch them at just the right moment…

Maine Man Sues Family After He Doesn’t Win Powerball Jackpot

Travis Hughes of Milford, Maine is fuming after not winning last night’s $590M Powerball Jackpot.  This morning, he’s done what every American apparently has the right to do…he’s filed a lawsuit against his family and is suing them for $590M.

“My family knows how much I needed to win that jackpot, and that I was counting on it to settle some outstanding debts,” Hughes told this Modern Philosopher this morning when we met in his lawyer’s office.  “It’s their fault I didn’t win, so I am holding them legally responsible for my loss of earnings and demanding that they reimburse me.”

I assumed that Mr. Hughes had a compelling reason for filing this suit, such as he was about to purchase a ticket with the winning numbers, when his family had somehow prevented him from doing so.  I asked him if he could elaborate.

“It’s pretty simple,” Hughes snapped back with obvious frustration in his voice.  “I played my family members’ birthdays, ages, and lucky numbers.  I didn’t win because none of them had the right birthdays, ages, or lucky numbers.  Don’t you see?  It’s all their damn fault.  They owe me because I need that money!”

I’ve never claimed to know much about the law other than how to not to break it, so I turned to Hughes’ lawyer, Svetlana von Bhisnizoot, for some guidance.  “Of course my client has a valid case,” she said in a thick accent that conjured up thoughts of Vampires.  “In your America, people can sue other people for anything. We will win this.”

I was surprised that my good friend Cy Brown wasn’t handling such a high profile case, so I stopped by his office on my way back to The House on the Hill to ask him about it.  “I apologize in advance for using such technical legal jargon in answering your question,” Cy began when I asked him why he hadn’t taken the case, “but that gentleman and his lawyer are bat shit crazy if they think that lawsuit has any merit.”

It was a relief, Modern Philosophers, to hear Cy’s answer because I was beginning to fear that the American Justice System was not only blind, but also incredibly stupid.

I didn’t want to believe that our forefathers had fought so hard to give us the freedom to sue whoever the hell we wanted for whatever exorbitant amount of money we pulled out of the air.

I’m sorry that Mr. Hughes didn’t win the Powerball Jackpot, and that his very existence seems to depend upon his coming up with that enormous amount of money.  Perhaps he should check with a bank about a loan, or maybe even look into getting a new identity and fleeing the country.  If his debt is that large, then sitting around and waiting to win the lottery might not bet he best strategy.

My faith in the legal system has been renewed, at least for the moment.  I’m sure something will happen soon, however, to make me rethink my philosophy on that…