I Am Sick Without You…

so sickI am sick

Without you

Here

To take care

Of me.

I languish

All alone

On the couch,

Choking down

Soup

While I

Watch TV.

I miss

The way

You’d play

With my hair,

Rub my tummy,

And lecture me

On how mad

You’ll be

If I don’t

Call out

From work

In the morning.

Being sick

Is no fun

Without you

Looking down

At me

With concern

And love

In those

Big, brown eyes.

I know

I’m a

Big baby

When I’m

Under

The weather,

But you

Always

Put up

With my

Nonsense.

And that

Is just

One

Of the

Million

Reasons why

I love you.

I know,

I know…

I will hydrate

And relax.

I’m wearing

The Magic Robe

You gave me,

And it’s almost

Like you’re

Here with me.

I am sick

Without you.

I also

Don’t feel well…

Posted in Funny, Humor, Love, Philosophy, Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Ghosts And Realtors Join Forces To Jump Start Maine’s Housing Market

soldAccording to reports released today, the Maine housing market is on an upswing.

Through the first quarter of 2014, sales of new homes in Maine were up 29% from the previous quarter and a staggering 53% from the same time in 2o13.

So what’s the secret to success?

Ghosts!

That’s right, Modern Philosophers, Maine has gotten its economy back on track by teaming Ghosts with Realtors.  How exactly does that work?

“We realized that Maine’s Otherworldly Being population made this a very intriguing state for people to visit,” explained Gertie Humpbolt of the Maine Association of Realtors.  “That got us to thinking that maybe people would want to move here so they can experience it on a daily basis, instead of only during their vacations.”

There were so many houses for sale throughout Maine, but no real interest in them.  In fact, more Mainers were losing their homes to foreclosure.  Clearly, if the market was going to have an upswing, it would need an influx of funds from folks “from away”.

All Hallow'sThat was when The All Hallows Society, Maine’s mysterious, super secret organization, proposed bringing together the Realtors and Ghosts.

“It was during Halloween Season, when  Maine is overrun by Otherworldly Beings who are visiting to enjoy their favorite time of year.  Human tourists get so caught up in the Halloween Spirit, and nothing appeals to them more than a haunted house!”

The All Hallows Society suggested moving Ghosts into some of the homes that were in foreclosure just to see if that would make them more enticing.

It did.

haunted-house“The second we started listing properties as Haunted Houses, the phones began to ring off the hook!” Miss Humpbolt told me excitedly.  “We changed the signs in front of the houses to say ‘Haunted House For Sale’ and suddenly, we’ve got tourists lining up to view places that hadn’t drummed up any interest in six months.”

Once word spread that Haunted Houses were drawing major interests from folks outside of Maine, everyone who wanted to sell started searching for the perfect Ghosts to move in and haunted their homes.

The Ghosts were more than happy to help.  “My group has traveled to Maine for the past sixty-five years to celebrate Halloween Season,” Gordius Rhue, a Ghost from Mississippi explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “When we saw the ads seeking Ghosts to haunt houses in Maine, we jumped at the chance.  Now we live in Maine all year, and we’ve got an awesome home to call our own!”

Now that the Ghosts have been found, and the homes are properly haunted, Realtors have been closing deals left and right.  In fact, they’re getting far above asking price on most of the homes they have on the market.

3-ghosts“It’s amazing!” Humpbolt told me as she ran a lint brush over her gold Realtor’s jacket.  “I’ve been selling houses in Maine for almost fifteen years, and I’ve never seen a run like this.  How did I never think to haunt my properties before this?”

I keep telling you that Maine is magical place, Modern Philosophers.  You should buy a place up here now before all the haunted ones are gone.  I’ve lived in a Haunted House for ten years, and I absolutely love it!

Posted in Funny, Humor, Miscellaneous, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Since When Does Baseball Perform Exorcisms???

RaysThe Yankees game went into extra innings yesterday, Modern Philosophers.

I’m usually all for longer games, especially when I’m able to watch my favorite team, but yesterday, I would’ve been content with a regulation nine innings.

I say this because my quiet Easter afternoon suddenly got a lot louder with the arrival of another guest…

…The Devil.

He was already in a horrible mood when he arrived at The House on the Hill.  I guess Easter Sunday will just do that to The Prince of Darkness.  I also worried that he could sense that his former colleague, the Archangel Rachel, had recently been sitting on the very couch where he now sat.

“What’s a guy got to do to get a Snapple around here?” he shouted as he tossed his pitchfork haphazardly into the corner.  That was never a good sign because Lucifer was generally very tidy with all his possessions.

DevilI wanted to make a comment about how I was not his butler, and that he knew where the front door was if he didn’t like having to get his own beverage, but I bit my tongue.  I knew better than to mess Satan when he was hot around the collar of his very expensive suit.

I returned from the kitchen with a Snapple for my “guest”, which earned me a nod and some mumbled words that I didn’t bother trying to decipher.

“Rough day?” I asked.

“I hate Easter,” he informed he popped the top off his bottle and took a long, thirsty sip.  “Not a great day for me or my business.  No one’s willing to trade their soul and give up on an afterlife in Heaven on Easter Sunday.  This is like God’s Super Bowl.”

He turned his attention to the baseball game, which made me think that his rant was over.  The Yankees had the bases loaded, so things were really looking up for me.  I reached for one of the peanut butter eggs the Easter Bunny had left for me, and waited to see if my beloved Bronx Bombers would finally blow open this pitchers’ duel.

Then the TV cut to a couple of fans in Tampa Bay Rays jerseys rooting on their team.

Devil RaysLucifer slammed his Snapple down on the table in frustration.  “This day just keeps getting better,” he snarled as he pointed at the television.  “They used to be the Devil Rays.  Do you remember that, Austin?”

I nodded both because I did remember, and because I didn’t want to do anything that would further upset The Prince of Darkness, who appeared to be about to totally lose it in my living room.

“But now they’re just the Rays,” he continued as his horns seemed to grow larger.  “They just somehow got rid of the Devil.  Since when does Major League Baseball perform exorcisms?  That’s what I want to know!”

He looked to me like I had the answer.  I just shrugged and stuffed another peanut butter egg into my mouth, so I couldn’t possibly be expected to answer.

“Some days, I don’t know why the Hell I ever get out of bed.”  He jumped off the couch, snatched up his pitchfork, and vanished in a cloud of hellfire and stinky smoke.

The Yankees eventually won the game, so I guess this story has a happy ending…

Posted in Funny, Humor, Philosophy, Sports, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Tutorial With The Vampire

TypeThe Witches must have done something to my couch the last time they were at The House on the Hill, Modern Philosophers, because I once again fell sound asleep while sitting on it.

I was roused by a knocking at the front door.  I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and slowly made my way out to the foyer to answer it.

There was a Vampire smiling at me from my front porch.

“Hey,” Ana, my new Vampire friend said with a smile as she pushed her eyeglasses back up on her nose.  “Is it weird for me to just show up to visit?  I didn’t have your number to call ahead.”

I smiled and opened the screen door.  “My friends are always welcome here, Ana.  They rarely call to inform me they’re on their way, so don’t worry about it.”

She just stood there, even though I had opened the door for her, so I was a bit perplexed.

“I can’t just enter your home without an invitation,” she said, sensing my confusion.  “You know us Vampires and our silly rules.”

“Welcome to The House on the Hill, Ana,” I said in my best official greeter voice.  “Won’t you please come inside?”

Ana took a step over the threshold and I would now have to deal with the consequences of giving a Vampire permission to make herself at home in my home.  “You might want to tell your Gargoyle to stand down,” she suggested as she entered the foyer and took a look around.  “He’s been growling and eying me from the moment I set foot on your block.”

I hadn’t heard any growling from the roof, but I suppose Vampires have a much keener sense of hearing.  I muttered a quick “all clear” to Gary and then closed the door.

glasses“I really hope this is okay,” Ana called over her shoulder as she wandered into the living room.  “From reading your blog, I got the sense that Otherworldly Beings showed up here all the time to hang.  I figured I’d be walking in on a wild party.  I did also bring something to win your favor.”

She unzipped the satchel that hung around her neck and pulled out a six pack of Snapple Lemon Tea.  “Your favorite, right?” she asked hopefully as she handed over the gift.

I offered Ana a seat, making sure to phrase it in the form of an invitation just in case Vampires had strict rules about couches as well.  I offered her a Snapple, but she politely declined.  I took one for myself, smiled upon finding that it was ice cold, and then sat down next to her.

“So what’s up?” I asked as I took a sip.  “What brings you to my big, empty home?”

“I read every single one of your blog posts, and I really love your writing,” she said as she continued to scan the room, giving me the sense that Vampires liked to be extremely familiar with their surroundings.  “The one you wrote about our first meeting is my favorite, of course, but I’m also a huge fan of the poems you wrote for The Girl You Love So Much.  They’re incredibly romantic.”

Before the period was even on that last sentence, Ana had disappeared from the couch in a blur and reappeared across the room.  She picked up the famed photograph on the mantel and held it close for a better look.

“This is her, isn’t it?” she asked as she studied my favorite photo of me with The Girl Who Makes My Heart Dance.  “She is so beautiful.  You guys look great together.”

“Yes, that’s her,” I confirmed.  “Thank you.”

“She convinced you to start the blog, right?” she continued with her interrogation as she returned the photo to its proper place.  “You write it every day to distract yourself from how much you miss her.  She’s your Muse.”

I took another sip of Snapple and nodded.  The next thing I knew, Ana was back on the couch next to me.  That was a cool, but creepy trick.

“I want to start a blog,” she told me excitedly as she pushed her glasses back up on her nose.  “I don’t have a true love to pine over, but I’m immortal and I need a major distraction.  Please teach me all the things I’ll need to know to keep me busy for the rest of my life.”

I thought she was joking, but the very intent look on her face told me she was not.  I knew that Maine Vampires supposedly no longer had a taste for human blood, but I didn’t want to test that theory.

“Okay,” I replied enthusiastically and then chugged the rest of my Snapple.  “What inspires you?”

Ana shrugged.  “No one has ever asked me that,” she admitted in a sad voice.  “How do you know what to write?”

“I just observe the crazy world around me,” I explained, “and then look for a unique way to tell the stories.  I had 8,400 views to my blog last week, which was way above normal.  I usually average around 900 views a day, but I didn’t do anything different.  I wrote some silly stories about Easter, and they took off.  I never know what’s going to be popular.”

bunny“My post about the Easter Bunny dealing with a Twitter hoax only got 23 views the day I wrote it.  The last two days, though, it was read over 1,000 times.  I just write a post that I think would make The Girl Who Owns My Heart laugh, and then I send it out onto the internet.”

Ana nodded and smiled.  “So blogging is kind of like Magic.  You just whip up a spell and see what happens?”

That sounded better than any explanation I could give her.  If anyone else has a better answer, I have a very curious Vampire who’d love to talk to you…

Posted in Humor, Philosophy, Blogging, Writing, Funny | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Angel, Archangel, Will You Be Mine?

Angel RachelThe House on the Hill was unusually quiet for a Sunday.

House guests, some invited and others not, were usually crawling all over the place.  Today, however, not a creature was stirring.  Maybe their absence was due to the fact that it was Easter Sunday, and they had more important commitments.

Because it was Easter, the lack of hustle and bustle disturbed me much more than it normally would have.  I despised being alone on the Holidays, and this had become even more of a problem since The Girl Who Owned My Heart had moved away.

My solitude was my own fault, of course.  I had essentially hung a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the doorknob of my life ever since she had departed for another time zone.  My human friends had tried to engage me in social activity, and lure me out of the confines of The House on the Hill, but after a while, they realized that their offers of beer, bowling, and movies would never be enough to fill the giant hole in my heart.

That meant the task of rescuing me from the life of a recluse had fallen squarely upon the shoulders of my Otherworldly Being friends.   They had done a much better job of preventing me from growing the world’s longest, rattiest beard, writing a manifesto, and locking myself in the basement until the start of the Robot Apocalypse.

For some reason, though, no one had showed up to spend Easter with me.  I already had two days’ worth of facial hair growth and possible titles for my manifesto were bouncing around in my head.  This had the potential to be quite the disastrous Sunday.

I decided to try to turn off my brain by watching baseball.  The Yankees game was on and televised baseball was one of the few things that could paralyze my Deep Thought process.  I stretched out on the couch, and listened to the announcers analyze the pitcher’s motion.

Marty AngelI must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was at the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance, and Marty McFly was strumming the opening chords to “Earth Angel”.   I was actually on stage next to Marty, microphone in hand, belting out the opening verse…

Angel, Earth Angel, will you be mine?  My darling dear, Love you all the time…

Then I forgot the words.  Marty kept strumming his guitar, playing the same chord over and over as if that would prompt me to remember what came next.  My mind was a total blank, however.  The kids stopped dancing and began to boo.  One of them even hurled an Easter Basket at me.

I awoke with a start.  The living room was quiet, and I was not alone.  My head was resting on smooth, lithe quadriceps while thin, nimble fingers caressed my hair.

I opened my eyes to see the most beautiful creature in all of existence smiling down at me.  The adorable dimple on her cheek did a little dance, and her big, brown eyes lit up when they realized I was looking straight up into them.

The Archangel Rachel used her free hand to brush her long brunette hair behind her ear before she finally spoke.  “Good afternoon, sleepyhead,” she greeted me in her soft, sweet voice.  “Happy Easter.”

“Rachel…” I said weakly as I tried to determine if this was just a continuation of my Back To The Future Dream, or if she really was playing with my hair as I rested my head in her lap.  “What are you doing here?”

I made a halfhearted effort to sit up, but Rachel would not allow it.  So I remained right there where I really wanted to be, and she continued to play with my hair.

“I came to spend Easter with you,” she replied and smiled, which immediately induced an army of goosebumps to appear over every inch of my skin.  “I know how much you hate being alone on the Holidays.”

There were no truer words.  “Isn’t Easter a busy day in Heaven?” I asked because I had already assumed I wouldn’t see her today for that very reason.  “Aren’t all the Angels needed to celebrate Jesus’ big day?”

She giggled.  I loved it when I could make her laugh, but I hadn’t thought my question was funny.  “I enjoy the way you word things,” she confessed.  “I’m an Archangel, Austin.  I can come and go as I please, and I could sense that you needed me.”

I just stared at her.  She really was breathtakingly beautiful.  My heart was pounding much faster than usual, and a ridiculous number of butterflies fluttered in my stomach.

“I was having a really horrible day until you arrived,” I told her, hoping that my words would make her smile and cause her dimple to dance again.

It did.  “You must have been having a horrible dream because you kept twitching and mumbling in your sleep,” Rachel informed me.  “I hoped that if I played with your hair, it would ease you from your nightmare and bring you back to me.”

“Thank you,” was all I could think to say.  What do you say to the one person in all the world who knows you so well, and can always rescue you, even on your worst days?

“I’m going to let you enjoy this a little bit longer, but when we’re done here, you’re marching into the bathroom and shaving all that ‘I’m feeling sorry for myself and the world doesn’t understand me’ facial hair.”

She really did know me so well.

Angel, Archangel, will you be mine?

Posted in Funny, Holidays, Humor, Love, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Rejects Shall Rise Again!

RejectionHappy Easter, Modern Philosophers!

The Nite Show With Danny Cashman was a rerun last night due to the Holiday weekend, but I had written enough jokes for the last taping to have a few extra rejects to share with you for our usual Sunday feature.

I even have a couple of Easter themed ones to make this post really topical.  Hope you enjoy these jokes that didn’t make it into the monologue and onto the air…

Justin Beiber’s annual Easter egg hunt, which is usually pretty popular, has been canceled this year.  Turns out no one was interested in an Easter egg hunt where the eggs are so easy to find.  Everyone knows they’re smashed against the side of the neighbors’ house… 

nite logoPresident Obama met with Pope Francis at the Vatican for the first time earlier this month.  The President brought the Holy Father several gifts, including homemade finger paintings.  When the Pope asked which of the President’s daughters was the gifted artist, Obama sheepishly had to admit that they had been made by Vice President Joe Biden…

Easter is just around the corner, and scientists at the University of Maine decided to have a little fun.  They calculated that the average adult would burn approximately 350 calories by hopping down the Bunny Trail for one hour.  In other words, you’ll to have to hop non-stop for three days to burn off all the candy you stole from your kids’ Easter Baskets…

A recent article in the Bangor Daily News reported that Eastern Maine Medical Center has had a $7M shortfall so far this fiscal year.  When asked for a comment on how the hospital lost so much money, an EMMC spokesperson mumbled: “I guess what happens at Hollywood Slots, doesn’t really stay at Hollywood Slots…”  (Austin’s note: Hollywood Slots is the name of Bangor’s one and only casino.)

Patriot’s Day is on Monday, and as is tradition in Boston, many people will drink so much that everyone looks like Tom Brady.  Of course, the next morning, they’ll all wake up looking and feeling like Bill Belichick…

Hope you enjoyed this batch of rejected jokes.  Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to resurrect them from the recycling bin.

If you live in Maine, please watch The Nite Show when it airs on Saturday nights.  There’s another taping coming up on April 30, and I would love to see you there!

Happy Easter!

Posted in Funny, Humor, Philosophy, Television, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

I Advise You To Have A Happy Easter!

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

Happy Easter!

I am a longtime reader of the blog, and I really enjoy your Sunday advice column.  You definitely know a thing or two about dispensing words of wisdom.

I don’t remember anyone ever writing to thank you for your Yoga in a Toga act, so let me be the first to say thanks on behalf of all of your readers.  You save us the embarrassment of having to write to Dear Abby, or resorting to calling in to radio shrinks.

Since it is a Holiday, I thought I would turn the tables and offer you some sage advice for once.  Are you ready for it?

I advise you to have a Happy Easter!

Don’t worry about us today.  Take the day off, devour some chocolate, and maybe swoon a little over that girl you love so much.

We expect a really kick ass column next Sunday, of course, since we’re allowing you to be a slacker today…

The Turner of Tables

Easter eggsDear Turner,

Happy Easter to you as well!

Thank you for the thoughtful, witty letter.  I don’t write this advice column because I’m seeking gratitude, but it is nice to get it.  You’ve made my day.

Since I don’t want to discourage another advice columnist in the making, I am going to take your words to heart and remain on the receiving end of wisdom today.

Thank you for the day off.  I will get to work on putting myself into an Easter candy induced sugar coma.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend! (Yikes…I hope that doesn’t count as advice!!!!)

Austin

Posted in Funny, Holidays, Humor, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments