Thanksgiving Seeks Injunction To Ban Christmas Ads Until Black Friday

PilgrimsThanksgiving filed an injunction today in Bangor Superior Court, Modern Philosophers, to block all Christmas advertising until Black Friday, otherwise known as the day after Thanksgiving.

The request seeks that Christmas commercials, advertisements and the like be banned in all media forms throughout the United States.

Why the lawsuit?  Why Maine?  “Thanksgiving is beginning to feel completely ignored by the American public,” Cy Brown, Maine’s greatest lawyer, explained to this Modern Philosopher.  “The second Halloween ends, and as we know, Halloween Season is huge in Maine, focus is turned immediately to Christmas.  Thanksgiving has become America’s redheaded stepchild, and it wants some attention.”

cornucopia“As for why my client had me file the injunction in Maine, where else in the United States could a Holiday be considered an individual with the power to bring legal action against another Holiday?”

And that is why, Modern Philosophers, Cy Brown is the greatest lawyer in Maine!

I did some quick research, and it turns out that an average of 10,000 Christmas related advertisements have aired in Maine every day since November 1.  That’s overwhelming for the weeks leading up to Christmas, but these numbers are for the month before Santa gives any thought to coming to town.

“It’s just too much,” Cy said with a sigh, “and I’m not just saying that because I’m Jewish.  If there were that many Hanukkah ads bombarding us on a daily basis, I’d feel just as strongly about it.  Thanksgiving is losing its season, and we have to fight to make sure that doesn’t happen.  Christmas needs to back off and give Thanksgiving its space.”

grinchI called the North Pole for a comment, and Santa Claus was much too busy to talk to me.  Luckily, his brother Fred was available.

“Austin, when did Thanksgiving turn all green and hairy, with a heart about a hundred sizes too small?  Doesn’t this lawsuit sound a little Grinchy to you?”

“We’re all up here, working our fingers to the bone,” Fred yelled through the phone as if he thought his voice had to carry from The North Pole to Maine.  “Sure with the Elves, we’re talking really tiny fingers, but they’re those fat, stubby, sausage kinda ones, so it takes a lot to get through all that pudge to the bone.  The last thing we want to hear is that Christmas needs to dial it back and take it down a few notches.  Christmas is an intense Holiday, and we’ve got to approach it like we’ve got a three cases of Red Bull per day habit, if you catch my drift, my friend.  How’s it hanging anyway?  That toga keeping the boys warm?”

Ah, Fred.  Always the right balance of enthusiastic and inappropriate.  How I miss talking to him over the course of the year.

ChristmasHe does have a point, though, Modern Philosophers.  Could Christmas even pull back if it wanted?  Haven’t we turned it into this behemoth that needs an almost two month run up to the big day?  Should the courts even stick their noses into this one, or should the Holidays just find a way to work it out amongst themselves?

What do you guys think?

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Jump Start Your Brain: Wally World

JumpstartHappy Saturday, Modern Philosophers!

It is a balmy 16 degrees outside The House on the Hill, and I am once more forming some Deep Thoughts on why exactly I left the warmth of Southern California to live in an ice box.

I don’t have to ponder on that topic too long, though, to recall how unhappy I was in sunny California.  A little shivering is a small price to pay to escape that horrible place.

My brain definitely needs a jump start this morning.  Like the rest of my body, it’s cold and not operating at full capacity quite yet.  While I’d like to just spend the day under the warm covers, there are some things outside of the bedroom that need my attention.

You else needs a jump start?  I’ve got 1000 volts of Deep Thoughts here and we can have your gray matter humming in no time…

Who wants to go to Walmart for me?  Is there anyone out there who actually enjoys going to that place?  Do you ever feel frightened when you walk through the doors?  Does it seem like you’ve stepped into some sort of societal experiment that has gone very wrong?  Like the scientists were scared by what they were seeing and fled a long time ago?  Who is going to tell Walmart shoppers that they are finally free to leave the lab?  Will they eventually figure it out when the maze runs out of cheese?

Seriously, though, will someone make my shopping trip if i provide a list?  I really don’t need much, so how about doing a fellow Modern Philosopher a solid?  What if I throw in a few extra bucks for you?  How much will it take to sweeten the deal?

Is it weird that I don’t like to shop for clothes?  Should I care more about fashion?  Why can’t I just wear a toga to every function?  How come I have to spruce up my look a little if I want to catch the ladies’ attention?  Don’t they like a guy in a toga?  Don’t they realize that a toga is incredibly sexy?

It won’t hurt too much to run to Walmart to pick up a few new long sleeved shirts and some random items for the house, right?  Will you guys notify the authorities if you don’t hear from me in a couple of hours?  Will someone take over this blog should I vanish on this journey?

Is it odd that I want it to be at least 20 degrees outside before I venture out of my warm house to make this trek?  Should I hold out for 25 degrees?  Doesn’t 16 degrees just sound like a temperature one should avoid if possible?

Sigh.  I’ve got more Deep Thoughts on this topic than there are currently degrees on the thermometer.  That’s scary.

Happy Saturday, Modern Philosophers.  I’ll let you know if I survive my journey…

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The Chinese Food At The End Of The Rainbow

pinataIt was the kind of work week that included my taking this posed photo of the pinatas that are always in our break room, Modern Philosophers.

Then I posted it on Facebook and asked my friends to place their bets on which of them would win in a fight.

All on my break, of course.

I’m not sure if the pinata pose off was a high or low point, Modern Philosophers, but it definitely was a long, trying week.  Thankfully, five o’clock eventually rolled around and I was free to enjoy the weekend.

As always, the creative side of my brain awakened the second I punched the time clock.  I decided I’d take a few photos of my journey from the office to The House on the Hill.

parking lotHere’s a shot of me taking in my surroundings and letting it sink in that I’m finally a free Modern Philosopher until Monday morning.

The parking lot at work was already pretty deserted by the time I was released.  There’s a glimpse of the oft mentioned Zombie Car in the left foreground of the photo.

It was a balmy 25 degrees at 5pm.  The trip  was so short, that Zombie Car didn’t really have a chance to warm up before I hit my next destination.  So I just put on my wool hart and cranked up the stereo to drown out the sound of my teeth chattering.

fruitsFriday night is shopping night, so I stopped at Hannaford.

My local grocery store is located just up the block from The House on the Hill, and on the way home from work.

The one complaint I have about the place, though, is that the fruit and vegetable aisle is very blurry.  Can you tell from this photo?

If they could just focus that one section of the store, it really would be perfect.  Something to shoot for in 2015, Hannaford!

groceriesI got a lot of my Thanksgiving shopping done tonight, even though that’s difficult to tell from this action photo of my cart.

Yes, Modern Philosophers, those are bottles of Snapple on the right.  One cannot properly celebrated the big Turkey Day feast without the proper beverages!

I did not grab the turkey or pie yet, however.  Since it’s going to be just me at dinner, I’ll pick up a turkey breast on the way home on Wednesday.  The pies will be fresh then, too, and it gives me time to decide if I want pumpkin or apple.

Don’t worry.  By the time I made it to the checkout, my cart was full.

One thing that got me through the day was my decision to get Chinese food for dinner.  Rainbow, my favorite Chinese place, is in the same shopping plaza as the grocery store.  Talk about total convenience!

Chinese foodI stopped at Rainbow to place my order on the way to Hannaford.

By the time I had put my groceries in the trunk of Zombie Car, dinner was ready.

My General Tso’s Chicken was quite delicious, and I am in a much better mood.

I haven’t had my fortune cookie yet, but I imagine that the Modern Philosopher Phortune Cookie for today would say something like: “While it is sad that any pinata must die in battle, the silver lining is that its death brings us a ton of candy.”

Essentially, your day is what you make it, Modern Philosophers.  Just search for the Rainbow, and I bet you’ll end up with a full tummy and a smile on your face.

Happy Friday!

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Friday Night Think Tank: Alternate Thanksgiving Menu

Doc BrownHappy Friday night, Modern Philosophers!

I managed to survive another harrowing work week without completely losing my sanity.  Now, all I want to do is relax and devour the Chinese food that’s waiting for me in the kitchen.

Of course, I can’t eat before I invite you to join me in The Think Tank for our weekly Philosophical Exercise.  I’m warning you now, though, that it’s a silly topic.  The week was too stressful, so my Deep Thoughts need to have a humorous bent.

I suggest bringing some Chinese food of your own because I didn’t bring enough to share. Something tells me you’re going to be hungry before this Think Tank is done.

Could someone please bring some soy sauce?  I don’t know what the interns did with the bottle I had in the fridge…

This week’s topic: Are you ready to fire up the Time Machine, Modern Philosophers?  Let’s head back to the First Thanksgiving and take charge of the menu.  What are you serving for the inaugural feast?  Remember, whatever you feed the guests is going to become an annual staple in American homes every November…

Isn’t this fun?  Who doesn’t love to plan the biggest party of the year?  I’m assuming that I have a staff of skilled cooks to assist me with this, so I’m not going to allow my own limited cooking abilities to hold me back.

I’m going to start us off with what has always been a Thanksgiving tradition in my house: pepperoni and cheese.  I don’t care if it hasn’t arrived in the New World yet.  I’ll fill the Time Machine with it if need be.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had pepperoni and cheese on Thanksgiving, and I wouldn’t know what Holiday it was without it.

thanksgivingNext up would be stuffed mushrooms.  I love those, but I never have them unless I get invited to some fancy party.  So, I’m putting them on the menu to guarantee that I’ll have stuffed mushrooms at least once a year.

I think some hearty New England Clam Chowder should be next.  Thanksgiving is usually pretty cold in Maine, so some steaming hot soup would be perfect.

It wouldn’t be a healthy meal without a nice salad.  I’d make sure there was some meat in the salad, sprinkle some cheese on it, and provide plenty of croutons.

After all that warmup food, I’d hit the guests with the main course.  Oh, it’s going to be out of control and extremely Holiday worthy.  I’m serving Chicken Cutlet Parmigiana and Lasagna, Modern Philosophers.  Boom!

Who’s going to top that meal?  I’m eager to read your attempts…

Posted in Blogging, Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

A Day As Long As My Legs

legsThe work day just seems to be getting longer and longer, Modern Philosophers.

I know it’s hard to tell from this photo, which was taken as I chilled out on a break, but I have very long legs.  Today felt even longer.

Whenever Doc Brown next stops by The House on the Hill, I’m going to make him explain the science of how the eight hours of a work day are so much longer than the eight hours that I sleep.

It should’ve been a quick day at work.  We had a potluck, and whenever there’s food, there is always a festive (as festive as work can get) atmosphere around the office.

That just didn’t really happen today.  If anything, it slowed the day down even more.  I ate some delicious food around noon, and then just felt lethargic for the rest of the day.  I was craving a nap and wished I had George Costanza’s desk with built in sleeping area.

I try to really get deeply involved in my work, but there’s a part of my brain that always drifts off to writing.  I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.  Knowing that I have my writing to go home to gives me a goal and keeps internal morale high, even when my brain starts to nod off because work can be really boring.

rbrb_3316I’ve taken to breaking for lunch a 2:00.  I know that’s late, but when I return, my work day is almost over.  I think that bit of psychological warfare I’m playing with the time clock is working.  I could be wrong, though.  The time clock never blinks, and has the greatest poker face ever.

I doesn’t help that it’s getting darker outside so much earlier.  I see the blackness through the windows, and my body thinks it’s supposed to be home.  It just wants to get up and walk out to the car, but I can’t get very far since I’m chained to my desk.

The work day is killing me lately.

How do you get through the work day, Modern Philosophers?  Do you have any secrets for speeding up time?  Can you stay focused, or do you find yourself just wanting to go home to write, too? 

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Mr. Potato Head Wants You To Eat More Stuffing On Thanksgiving

potatoMr. Potato Head was in Maine today, Modern Philosophers, to film a Holiday Public Service Announcement.

“Save a potato, eat more stuffing!” Mr. Potato Head shouted at this Modern Philosopher as we enjoyed a Snapple on the set.  “That’s the message I want to spread to all Americans as Thanksgiving approaches.”

The PSA is produced by Pass On Potatoes, a non-profit organization for the protection of potatoes.  Mr. Potato Head told me he was thrilled when the group approached him to be its spokes spud.

“I’m honored to be the voice of my fellow potatoes.  I’ve been very lucky to have such a successful career,” he said humbly.  “Not many potatoes ever make it in show biz, and none of them have lasted this long in the spotlight without becoming baked.”

We both laughed at his witty bit of world play.

mashed“I know that I’m going to make it through every Thanksgiving because I have one hell of a Guardian Angel, but so many brother and sister potatoes are going to end up boiled, mashed, and drowned in butter and gravy.  I realize we taste good, but damn, that is a harsh way to go!”

The message of the PSA is quite simple.  Mr. Potato Head and his spud buds would like you to pass on the mashed potatoes this Thanksgiving and double up on the stuffing.

“Who doesn’t love stuffing?” Mr. P asked as he popped open another Snapple.  “It’s so delicious, and we never really have it except on Thanksgiving.  Since it’s a once in a year kind of thing, folks really need to pound down that stuff.  Don’t be ashamed, you know?  Just go for it.”

At that point, a production assistant brought over a box of Stove Top stuffing for Mr. Potato Head.  “Look at these ingredients.  Nothing is dying to provide you with the perfect side dish to your Thanksgiving feast.  It says right here on the box that this stuffing was made specifically to go with turkey.”

stuffingHe didn’t need to say another word, Modern Philosophers.  Mashed potatoes will not be on the Thanksgiving menu at The House on the Hill.  There will, however, be an insane amount of stuffing available.

Who’s with me on this?  Who’s going to help me save the potatoes this Thanksgiving?

Mr. Potato Head put on his biggest smile to let you all know that he can feel the love and support, and he wants you all to have a happy, potato free Thanksgiving!

Posted in Blogging, Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

Kids Campaign To Have Thanksgiving Upgraded To A Gift Giving Holiday

kids_tableApparently, American children have been saving up their allowances, Modern Philosophers, because those who occupy the kiddie table on Thanksgiving have just hired a powerful D.C. lobby group to campaign on their behalf.

Dylan Chatsworth, of the Beltway’s Havisham Group, spoke to this Modern Philosopher about his latest assignment.  “My job is to represent the children of the United States of America in their quest to have the Calendar Commission upgrade Thanksgiving to “Gift Giving” Holiday status.”

Doesn’t he really mean gift getting?  “Sure,” Chatsworth agreed with a winning smile, “but it’s a lobbyist’s job to put the proper spin on an idea to make it sound more appealing.”

Don’t children understand that the whole point of Thanksgiving it to focus on those things for which we’re thankful?  “Of course.  What my clients need for the adults of this country to understand, though, is that Thanksgiving is an extremely stressful day for kiddos, and all they are asking is that things are done to compensate them for the duress.”

presentsBack up a minute, Slick.  Stressful?  Duress?  I don’t see the little ones slaving away in the kitchen to put a feast on the table.

“The Holiday is a time when children have to dress up, be on their best behavior, suffer through grueling family road trips, and deal with their more challenging relatives. “

Chatsworth saw the cynical look on my face, so he expanded on his answer.  “Think of all the cheek pinches they have to endure from Grandma, the hair tousles from Grandpa, the noogies from Cousin Eric, the long boring stories from Uncle Randy (especially after he gets a few drinks in him), and those lectures on the evils of the opposite sex from Aunt Rose, who still swears under her breath every time she mentions ex-Uncle Pete, who doesn’t have to deal with these dinners any longer.”

Hmmm.  He did have a point.  The Thanksgivings of my youth weren’t much fun.

“My clients are willing to put on their Sunday best and their most adorable smiles while they tolerate the Holiday and the indignities that come along with it,” the lobbyist continued.  “Including having to sit at the kiddie table, which never has an ample supply of the fun foods, but is always well stocked in the veggie department.”

He was definitely winning me over and proving he was worth every nickel and dime taken from smashed piggy banks all over America.  But what could kiddos do to get their way?  I can’t picture the Calendar Commission allowing children to dictate a change in policy.

tantrumHe chuckled.  “You mustn’t have kids of your own.”  I shook my head.  “You’ve seen a child react when she doesn’t get her way?  Perhaps you’ve been on an airplane with a young lad who was told he couldn’t do something?  Maybe in line behind a brother/sister combo who’ve been told they can’t order what they want?”

I searched my mind for such memories, and when I locked on those moments, the color ran from my face faster than I would try to run from a child having a tantrum.

Chatsworth smiled.  “So you understand the position of power from which we are negotiating.  Does Turkey Day need to be remembered as Tantrum Day for my clients to prove a point?  They’d really like to act mature about it, but they are underage and it wouldn’t really be their faults if they just lost it.”

That wasn’t the only weapon the All-American Kids had in their arsenal of mass disruption.

“My clients are fully prepared to pull out the big guns,” he warned with a grim look upon his face.  “I’m talking Turkey Flu.”

sick kiddoThe Turkey Flu meant every child in the country claiming to be sick on Thanksgiving morning, thereby throwing a huge monkey wrench into the day’s plans.

“Time is tight on Thanksgiving, and nothing messes with a  schedule more than a sick child, especially one who is just faking and can really lay it on thick.”

I’d say the kids of this country have us dead to rights.  I’m going out Thanksgiving present shopping the second I post this article.  Hope I beat the crowds!

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