Maine Zombie Control Agency Promises Zombie Free Halloween

ZombiesNorman Nicotero, Maine’s Zombie Control Czar, assured Mainers today that, despite rumors of a Zombie attack in Washington County last night, the state’s Zombie population is under control and will not be a problem on Halloween.

“Trick or treating can go on as planned,” Nicotero assured this Modern Philosopher after his announcement, which was broadcast live throughout the state.  “As always, Mainers should exercise the usual caution when out, especially in the more remote areas after dark.”

Nicotero, who heads up Maine’s Zombie Control Agency, which oversees Maine’s Zombie Hunters and Maine’s Zombie Census Bureau, met for several hours this morning with Governor LePage, Maine Halloween Season Festival Chairwoman Tamara Burton, and several members of the All Hallows Society.

“The Governor was concerned about the rumors of a Zombie attack in Washington County last night, and I assured him that it was only a rumor,” Nicotero recounted to me.  “My people are all over the area, and the entire Zombie population in the County is accounted for.  We are keeping them well outside of the populated areas while the Halloween Season Festival is in full swing.”

All HallowsMy sources in Governor LePage’s office gave me a different version of the meeting. “No one said anything in that meeting other than the members of the All Hallows Society,” my source revealed.  “The Governor is scared to death of those guys, so he just sat there, chowing down on donuts, while trying not to wet his pants.”

It would make sense that Maine’s all powerful, super secret All Hallows Society would want the Zombies kept in check during the Halloween Season, which brings tens of thousands of Otherworldly Beings to Maine to celebrate the holiday.  In fact, the group issued this message shortly after Nicotero’s speech:

The All Hallows Society guarantees a safe and joyful Halloween Season for all who choose to celebrate with us.  We offer our assurances that there shall be no disturbances of any kind, most especially not of the Zombie variety.  We shall remain ever watchful so that you can allow yourselves to be fully consumed with the Halloween Spirit. 

In other words, trick or treating will go on as planned!

Authorities in Washington County confirm Nicotero’s story that there were no Zombie attacks last night.  A police spokesperson wrote it off as a Halloween prank.

Zombie humterMaine Zombie Hunters and Maine Zombie Census Bureau Agents patrol every county in Maine, keeping track of the state’s Zombie population, and dispatching the undead when it becomes necessary.

“There are Zombies in Maine, and always will be,” Nicotero said with a smile. “There’s also no safer place than Maine.  Every Zombie is tracked, professionals are on hand to deal with them when needed, and every Mainer receives mandatory Zombie Dispatching Training.”

So I guess those folks on “The Walking Dead” are just overreacting to the Zombie threat.  Of course, that is a TV show, so it would make sense for them to play up the fear factor in order to help with the ratings.

Maybe Rick Grimes should lead his crew to Maine, so they can finally relax and feel safe.  I’m sure the All Hallows Society would see to it that they had a wonderful Halloween!

Posted in Blogging, Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Pope Francis To Turn Vatican Into Giant Haunted House For Halloween


Pope Francis, aka The Partying Pontiff, knows how to celebrate a holiday. This is what he did for Halloween last year. Any guesses what he’ll do to make Halloween 2014 memorable?

Originally posted on The Return of the Modern Philosopher:

haunted houseThe Partying Pontiff is at is again, Modern Philosophers!

Pope Francis announced that he is throwing a lavish Halloween party on Thursday night, and turning The Vatican into the world’s scariest haunted house for the event.

Ever since being elected to office earlier in the year, the new head of the Catholic Church has thrown elaborate parties to celebrate every major holiday (and some of the minor ones, too!).

I think my favorite was when he had Dan Brown, the author of The Da Vinci Code, design a massive Easter Egg Hunt using his intimate knowledge of The Vatican’s secret passages and tunnel system.

Pope FrancisSo what does he have in store for us on Halloween?  “I can already hear the jokes, Austin,” Pope Francis said with a chuckle via Skype.  “There are those who will say that The Vatican has been a house of horrors for centuries.  So maybe I’m…

View original 247 more words

Posted in Humor, Philosophy, observations, Holidays, Blogging | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Halloween Horror Panel Selects Humans As Scariest Beings

monstersThe much anticipated Halloween Horror Panel was held at the Cross Insurance Center in Bangor today.

A packed house gathered for what is referred to as the “Comic-Con of Halloween”.  Sponsored by the All Hallows Society, the Horror Panel is considered to be the crown jewel of Maine’s Halloween Season Festival.

Maine’s horror master, Stephen King, kicked off the event with a stunning rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, and then turned over the proceedings to Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King, who served as the Master of Ceremonies for the event.

This year’s Halloween Horror Panel was made up of an intriguing collection of humans and Otherworldly Beings.  Several classic horror flicks were screened and then dissected.  Surprise guests from all ends of the earth and the universe thrilled the crowd.

What everyone was really waiting for, however, was the Q&A session.  Things got really exciting when an attendee asked the celebrity panel to decide, once and for all, who or what was the scariest being of all time.

The Haunted House / Das Geisterhaus“What being would you least like to be trapped in a Haunted House with?” was the original question posed to the esteemed Masters of Horror.

Since the members of the Halloween Horror Panel rotated in and out over the course of the 12 hour event, more than 50 votes were finally cast when all was said and done.

“Good thing this didn’t have to be unanimous, of else we would’ve had a hung jury,” Skellington joked to the crowd as the deliberations grew quite heated on stage.

“Whatever they decide, that being is going to be the toast of this festival,” Gary Lincoln, my good friend and leader of Maine’s largest Werewolf pack told this Modern Philosopher backstage during the great debate.

When Jack Skellington finally strode to the microphone on his incredibly spindly legs, a hush fell over the Cross Insurance Center as the thousands gathered sat on the edge of their seats, anxiously awaiting the decision.

“Our esteemed Halloween Horror Panel has voted that the scariest being of all is…”

From somewhere, there was a haunting drum roll.  Jack milked it better than Ryan Seacrest hosting an “American Idol” results show.


NagasakibombA murmur rose up through the crowd, but it was one of total agreement.  Within moments, everyone was on their feet, giving the panel a standing ovation for a job well done.

“Zombies, ghosts, and clowns were also right up there,” Jack explained once the applause had died down, “but who could possibly be more frightening than the beings capable of wiping life off the planet with a few missiles?  Who commits more atrocities than humans?  I’m definitely going to have to sleep with the lights on tonight after being packed in here with so many humans today!”

And so it has been decided by the greatest horror minds in the universe today: No being in existence is more frightening than a human…

Posted in Blogging, Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Analysts Baffled By Maine’s Egg And Toilet Paper Shortage


As Halloween quickly approaches, I want to remind all Modern Philosophers to stock up on toilet paper and eggs just in case there’s another shortage like there was last year…

Originally posted on The Return of the Modern Philosopher:

rollsApparently, Maine has caught the attention of economists and market analysts, Modern Philosophers.

According to a report released on, several of the big brain, number crunching, what’s going on with the economy types are befuddled by the current shortage of eggs and toilet paper in this state.

“It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever,” Edward Mooney, a partner at the market watchdog firm Munney, Mooney, and Monet, told this Modern Philosopher.  “Eggs and toilet paper are staples of all classes, and Maine is a state that produces a large percentage of the eggs its residents eat.  There’s no reason there should be a shortage.”

eggsI was intrigued, so I kept Mr. Mooney on the phone with my long, rambling questions about eggs, toilet paper, and their affects on the American economy.  “When All-American staples begin to disappear from the shelves, economists like myself have to take a step back and…

View original 447 more words

Posted in Blogging, Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Halloween Flights Of Fancy

witches on broomsIt turned out to be one of “those Mondays”, Modern Philosophers, so when I got home to The House on the Hill after a horrible day at work, I knew needed a quick pick me up to raise my spirits.

The answer was as obvious as the sky above me.  As I stood in my driveway, I could see Gary the Gargoyle circling overheard, being playfully pursued by a pack of jabbering Flying Monkeys.  They were all clearly having fun, and I wanted to join them.

I hailed Gary with a shrill whistle, and my loyal Gargoyle immediately heeded my call.  The Flying Monkeys remained above, taunting Gary for fleeing.

“Shall we show the simians how real flying is done?” Gary asked with a smile as I climbed on his back.

He shot straight up at the Flying Monkeys, and then continued to ascend past them as if they weren’t even there.  Of course, the Monkeys screamed in delight and gave chase.

Before I knew it, we were high above the Penobscot River.  What a gorgeous sight.  Rush hour traffic, such as it is in Maine, looked so tiny from this vantage point.

flying monksGary allowed the Flying Monkeys to catch up, and we soared in a slow circle while the beasts yapped in a language that made my ears hurt.  Gary finally explained what was going on.  “They want to dive bomb the river.  Are you up for it?”

After the day I had, I was up for anything.  “Hell yeah!” I replied.

And so Gary descended towards the Penobscot like he had been shot out of a cannon.

I had never moved so fast in my life.  I wrapped my arms tightly around the Gargoyle’s neck and hung on for dear life, screaming with delight the whole way.

About three feet from the water, Gary leveled out, and we zipped down the river as the Flying Monkeys fell in to formation on both sides.  We must have been quite the sight to the people watching from the streets.

“Can we do that again?” I asked excitedly.  I was beginning to forget all about my day, and assumed one more high altitude dive might wipe the slate clean.

“It would be my pleasure, but perhaps you should see what the ladies want.”

GargoilleConfused, I turned around to see what he meant.  That was when I saw the three broomsticks coming at us from the Bangor side.  Apparently, word of our flight had reached Three Toads & A Wicked Lady, and my Witch friends decided they wanted in on the fun.

Waltzing Matilda, Volcanica Ivy, and Ti-Diana swooped in on their brooms.  The Flying Monkeys broke away to give Maine’s most powerful Witches some space.

“Can we borrow the handsome guy in the toga?” Ti-Diana asked Gary as she came up right alongside us.  “We promise to get him home before his curfew!”

Clearly, some sort of Magic was involved in this next part because, without Gary or Ti-Diana slowing down, I managed to leap from the Gargoyle’s back and onto the beautiful Witch’s broom.  All while over a body of water.

Gary and the Flying Monkeys waved their goodbyes, and flew off for other adventures.

“I take it you had a horrible day if you’re ignoring your fear of water like this,” she observed quite keenly.

Ti-DianaTo be honest, Modern Philosophers, riding on the back of broomstick while holding on to the prettiest Witch I’ve ever known, the last thing on my mind was my work day, my fear of water, or anything other than the bewitching figure inches in front of me.

Magic comes in many forms, but right now, it was about 5’6″ with long brown hair, an enchanting smile, and an incredible ability to handle a broomstick at high speeds!

My Manic Monday became a Magic Monday…

Posted in Humor, Philosophy, Holidays, Blogging, Fantasy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Monday Morning Coffee Club: 10/27/14

Cofee signThe calendar has turned to Monday yet again, Modern Philosophers.  UGH!

Instead of turning back the clock an hour next weekend, why can’t we just turn back the calendar a day every Monday morning?  Now that would be a change I’d support.

It’s the last Monday in October.  That means Halloween is on Friday, and then Saturday is my blog’s second birthday.  Can you believe that this oddball collection of stories, poetry, and Deep Thoughts is going to turn 2?

The blog is closing in on 9,000 followers and 575,000 views.  Not bad for for something that’s about to enter is terrible twos.  I’m looking forward to another fun year of sharing whatever tales the voices in my head want me to tell you.

Halloween, quite possibly my favorite Holiday of the year, is almost here.  I have several bags of candy at the ready, in preparation for trick or treaters making the ascent to The House on the Hill.  I hope I get many this year, otherwise it’s going to be a long weekend spent making sure the candy doesn’t spoil!

witchesWe are having a Cauldron Luck at work on Wednesday, and I have no idea what to bring.  Any suggestions, Modern Philosophers?  Shrimp cocktail is usually my go to item for such an event, but I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had time to take out my shrimp boat and check the traps.  I need something simple, yet delightful.

How many of you participated in the Twitter Sunday Blog Share that my friend Suzie hosted for the second consecutive weekend?  If you are not taking part, you are missing out on a wonderful opportunity to meet new bloggers, discover new blogs, and pick up new followers.  All you need to do is tweet your blog post with the #SundayBlogShare hash tag, and the computer gremlins take care of the rest.  Hope to see you there next weekend!

Happy to report that I got a lot of work done on the new screenplay this weekend.  The ending is now in sight, and while I still don’t have it quite worked out in my head, I at least know what road will take me to typing “THE END”.

There are few feelings better than the sense of accomplishment at finishing a major writing project.  Can I get an “Amen” on that, Modern Philosophers???

I guess it’s time for me to put on my Working Stiff Toga, and prepare to trudge off to work.  UGH!  Feel free to help yourself to the coffee, and remember that it’s only seventeen hours until Tuesday.  You can make it!

Posted in Blogging, Holidays, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

The Devil Gets The Royals Treatment

DevilI was enjoying a quiet afternoon at The House on the Hill when all Hell suddenly broke loose.  The Devil burst through the front door and presented himself in the doorway to the living room as if he were a model.

“What do you think of my Halloween Season haul?” the Princess of Darkness asked proudly as he did a slow spin to allow me to take in all the touristy items that he wore over his impeccably tailored suit.

“Why are you wearing all that tourist crap?” I had to ask because it was extremely bizarre to see him in anything but a suit that cost more than I earned in a month.

“It’s Halloween Season, my friend,” he explained as if I had lost my mind and had no idea that it was October in Maine.  “I spent the day prowling around Maine with some old Demon friends, taking in the sights, carousing with bad elements, and posing for photos with excited tourists.”

This had me puzzled as it did not seem at all like typical Satanic behavior.  “You actually went out and had fun?” I queried.  “You let down your pitchfork and relaxed?”

“I work my horns to the nub all year, Austin,” Lucifer told me as he waved a giant foam lobster claw in my direction.  “Halloween Season is like Carnival for Other Worldly Beings.  It’s a month off from the grind, when we can catch up, get crazy, and really break a few of the Commandments.”

“But don’t you have a certain amount of souls you need to collect?” I asked like the parent who cannot believe that his child has completed all his homework.  “You’re always going on about numbers and showing God you still have power…”

RoyalsThe Devil just laughed.  “I hit my monthly quota the first week of October.  Do you know how many Kansas City Royals fans promised me their souls for the chance to see their team play in one more World Series in their lifetimes?”

I looked at Satan with horror.  “You fixed the World Series so you could take a few weeks off and get even more decadent than usual?”

He nodded solemnly like a schoolboy being scolded by the Headmaster.  “The World Series is still up for grabs.  I just made sure the Royals got that far.”

I shook my head in disgust.  Baseball was sacred in The House on the Hill.

“If it helps, I didn’t come back empty handed,” he informed me in an attempt to crawl his way out of the Satanic doghouse.  “I brought you back a couple of jack o’ lanterns.  Don’t worry, they’re from the no kill pumpkin patch you wrote about on your blog.  The faces are painted on, so the pumpkins were not harmed in any way.”

trophySatan looked at me hopefully, but all he got in return was my blank stare.

“I’m really sorry about the World Series,” he said softly as his eyes pleaded for forgiveness.  “The Giants were supposed to win anyway.  Does it really matter if they beat Kansas City instead of the team originally meant to play them?”

“I’d just prefer it if you left your hoof prints off the National Past Time,” I grumbled.

Sensing he was losing me, The Devil snapped his fingers, and several hideous Demons appeared between us.  They all carried cases of Snapple, except for the one closest to me.  That Demon held a platter of Satan’s Award Winning Hell Fire Chicken Wings.

One sniff of those bad boys, and I suddenly forgot about the Kansas City Royals.  I mean, does the World Series even matter if the Yankees aren’t playing?  I finally smiled.

“I’ll go get some plates,” he said cheerfully and scampered off to the kitchen.

The Devil had treated like royalty, and I had relented.  Like all good kings, I knew when to allow a royal pardon…

Posted in Blogging, Humor, Philosophy, Sports, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments