Clown Arrested After Hitting Man In Face With Pi

clownCalculo, The Math Loving Clown, was arrested and charged with assault after hitting a Milford man in the face with Pi.

The incident occurred at a child’s birthday party, and the victim, who asked to remain anonymous, was the father of a guest.

According to witnesses, Calculo had been entertaining the guests by making irrational numbers out of balloons, solving humorous math equations, and quizzing kids on the decimal values of fractions.

“Then it kinda went to hell in a hand basket wicked quick,” Tom Beecher, a parent of one of the guests, told this Modern Philosopher.  “The Math Clown asked everyone who loved Pi.  Of course, all the kids raised their hands.  Some of the parents did, too.”

What happened next will be a part of birthday party lore for centuries, and further fuel the world’s fear of both clowns and math.

“He reached into his bag of tricks, and everyone was expecting him to pull out a pie covered in whipped cream,” Katie Dwyer, mother of the birthday boy, continued the tale.  “Instead, he pulled out Pi.  You know, the mathematical symbol?  3.1416   That clown slammed poor (name redacted) across the face with the Pi.  He broke his nose and knocked out three of his teeth.”

PiChaos ensued.  Kids screamed.  The victim bled.  A lot.  Several good Samaritans wrestled Calculo to the floor and ripped the Pi out of his hands, while others rushed to give first-aid to the injured man.

The police and paramedics arrived, which settled the children, who all wanted to ride in the ambulance and the squad cars.

The victim was taken to Eastern Maine Medical Center for treatment, while his assailant was taken to the Penobscot County Jail.  Calculo is currently being held without bail and in solitary confinement because he was freaking out the other inmates.

“Few people realize how heavy Pi is,” Dr. Keny Sandhu explained to this Modern Philosopher after she treated the victim.  “That man is lucky to be alive.  If his attacker had used a Pi that had been rounded off just a few more places, we would most likely be making arrangements for the funeral home to pick up a corpse.”

Local authorities are discussing a statewide clown ban, and they do not expect much opposition from Mainers after this incident…

Posted in Humor, Philosophy, musings, Funny | Tagged , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

A Matter Of Trusting Your Memory

BridgeI’m always amazed at how the human mind works, Modern Philosophers.

We have a lifetime of memories stashed away in our brains, and we seem to be able to access them with incredible ease.  We remember things that should have long ago been forgotten, and I’ve always wondered how we do that.

The other day, Billy Joel’s “A Matter of Trust” came on the radio.  I hadn’t heard that song in maybe 10 years, but I sang along word for word (and quite well, I might add!) even though I hadn’t seen or heard the lyrics in a decade.

How was that even possible?

Of course, the song was stuck in my head after that, and I have been singing it often.  As a Modern Philosopher, I formed many Deep Thoughts as to why the lyrics were so easy for me to remember.

Since I’m a hopeless romantic, I knew that the song had to be connected to a past relationship since it was striking such a chord (pun intended) for me.  In searching the files way back in a dusty corner of my mind, I came across the first memories of this song.

campIt was the Summer I was 16.  The year I was sent away to work as a counselor at Camp Madison Felicia.  That was when I met Maureen, and fell in love for the first time.

Maureen bought me “The Bridge”, the album on which the song appeared.

I’m sure one of the reasons I liked the song so much was because it made me think of her.  Because my memories of Maureen and that Summer are so important, the lyrics to “A Matter of Trust” were filed away with them.   That would explain my ability to instantly recall them when I heard them on the radio.

That theory makes perfect sense to me, so I’m going to stick with it.  It’s also a very catchy song, and the video is set in New York City (another reason why I like the tune).  I thought I’d share it with you because we can all use a little pick me up after a typical Monday.

Ah, to be sixteen again and hopelessly in love while forced to work in a sleep away camp…

Posted in Funny, Humor, Love, Music, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Monday Morning Coffee Club: 7/28/14

Cofee signIt’s Monday again Modern Philosophers.

I don’t know if this helps, but I’ve always found a certain comfort in numbers: every morning that you wake up, there’s a 14.28% chance that it’s Monday.  So, in reality, the odds are very much in your favor when it comes to the calendar lottery.

Today, however, we’re just all losers.  Stupid Mondays…

At least this Modern Philosopher has some positive things to focus on today, and that very well might help me survive the day without getting my toga all in a bunch.

Yesterday, I started writing my first new screenplay in ages.  I’ve had a bit of a mental block on starting something new, and this blog had become a crutch rather than something to distract me when I had writer’s block.  I managed to not only write my usual blog posts, but to also extract the first 10 pages of the script from my cluttered mind.

The contest I started on Saturday to help me name the bar in the new screenplay is going very well.  The post has had hundreds of views and an extraordinary number of shares.  The contest runs until Saturday, so I’d love to get your entry.  You can find the post here… Contest Post.

I received an email yesterday from Danny Cashman, the producer/host of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman, telling me that he liked a filmed segment idea for the show that I pitched him on Saturday.  I’d really like to do more than just write monologue jokes, so it would be cool if Danny started to use some of my segment ideas as well.

Finally, Matthias, the producer/director who would like to make my screenplay .33 Reverse Gunther his next film,  is in LA pitching the script to investors and actors.

MondaySo even though it’s another rainy, crappy Monday here in Maine, I’ve got a few other things to keep morale up as I struggle to get through the day.

What have you got going on, Modern Philosophers, to help you survive yet another Monday?

Enjoy the coffee.  Try not to make too much of a mess.  Keep in mind there’s only another seventeen hours left to the day…

Posted in blog, Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

Still No Deal

DevilI glanced up from my laptop to check the score of the Yankee game, and that’s when I noticed that The Devil was staring at me from his end of the couch.

“Is something wrong?” I asked once I had established that the Yankees and Blue Jays were tied at 3.  “If you drank the last Snapple, you’re going to have to run to the store to get more because I’m busy.”

Lucifer smiled.  “I noticed that you’ve finally started a new screenplay.”

He was correct.  After a very long period of self-imposed screenwriting exile, I had finally clicked on the Final Draft icon on my laptop and put some words down on virtual paper.

“Yeah,” I acknowledged with an embarrassed shrug.  “It was finally time.”

I have some thoughts as to why I’ve refused to start a new screenplay, but instead of thinking about that, I’m going to stay focused on the fact that I finally typed “FADE IN:” for the first time in an eternity.

“I know you hate to talk about this,” Satan tiptoed up to a subject that was pretty much taboo at The House on the Hill, but he was The Prince of Darkness, so he doesn’t exactly play by or follow the rules.  “I could see to it that this new screenplay is a hit, and ensure you have a very successful career as a screenwriter.”

I rolled my eyes.  Why couldn’t he just have been staring at me because I was out of Snapple?  “No deal.”

The disappointment was obvious in his eyes.  “I’m just trying to  help a friend.”

dealI cringed as the Blue Jays pushed the tie breaking run across the plate.  “I appreciate that, but I’m pretty attached to my soul.”

“One of the reasons I spend so much time here is because I want you to feel comfortable around me,” the Devil countered with some attitude.

I had to chuckle.  “I thought it was because you liked the free Snapple and chips.”

We paused the conversation for a moment as Jacoby Ellsbury sent a drive to deep left field, but it ended up just being a long out.  Damn.

“I thought that if we became great friends, you wouldn’t mind spending eternity with me,” Mighty Satan said with a pout like he was on the verge of tears.  “Do you really think I’d just throw you into the Hellfire to suffer like all the others?”

I felt like a total jerk.  I was about to apologize when Carlos Beltran lined a single to left, and Brett Gardner raced around third base to tie the score.

We both cheered and high fived.

Yankees_logoThe Devil is a Yankee fan, in case you weren’t sure about that.

“I’m sorry for assuming you’d treat me like anyone else who traded you his soul for Earthly success,” I told him sincerely.  “I do want to keep my soul, though.  No offense.  I just want to do this on my own.”

“Suit yourself,” he replied with a shrug.  “You’re out of Snapple, by the way…”

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

I Advise You To Stop Living In The Past

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I need a little help making a major career decision, and I’m hoping you can give me the push I need.

I’m in a Village People cover band called Y M I Here? (it’s a play on YMCA, and the mere fact that I have to explain that proves how lame the name is).  As part of our show, we read quotes from the Ancient Philosophers between songs (further explanation of the lame name).

It’s a fun job, we make a lot of money (I’m not sure why we’re so popular!), but I’m just not feeling fulfilled any more.  I really want to stop singing songs from the Disco Era and quoting Philosophers from Ancient Greece.

My dream is to perform songs that I’ve written.  I want to ditch the construction worker costume, get on stage in my own clothes, with my trusty guitar, and sing the words that have come straight from my heart.

I don’t think the other guys in Y M I Here? would be happy if I left.  They say I’m the best at doing the long philosophical passages that really wow our fans, and if I were to leave, I’m worried I’d be putting them all out of a job.

What do I do?

Construction Worker Philosopher

Studio Portrait of the Village PeopleYoung Man,

There’s no need to feel down…

Sorry.  I just had to go there with the YMCA reference.  This is a comedy blog after all, and I have to provide the laughs even when dispensing the wisdom.

I know a little something about hesitating to chase a dream, and putting financial security first, so I’m glad you came to me with this.

I advise you to stop living in the past.  Leave the dark days of Disco behind, ditch the memories of Ancient Greece, and be a Modern Philosopher with a guitar.

Chase that dream.  Strum that guitar.  Sing those songs.  Live for the now.

Don’t you worry about your old band mates.  I’m sure they’ll support you, and it’s not like there aren’t any construction workers out there looking for a job.

Carpe Diem!  I love the irony of using a dead language to encourage you to leave the past behind.  This job is a blast!

Good luck.  Let me know if you ever perform in Maine…

Austin

Posted in blog, Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Blog Contest: I’ll Name A Character After You In My New Screenplay!

HollywoodLast night, I was chatting with Matthias, the Producer/Director who hopes to make .33 Reverse Gunther his next film.  He is on his way to L.A. to meet with potential investors and actors, so I’m cautiously excited about what the future holds.

Over the course of the conversation, Matthias once again mentioned how important this blog is going to be to Gunther’s production.  He wants me to keep a production diary once we get a green light, and I’ve assured him that my blog friends and followers will share the posts to help spread the word about the movie being made from my screenplay.

To reassure Matthias that this blog has a great reach, I told him I would conduct a test this weekend.  I had already planned to write this contest post, so I thought I’d add a sharing element to it and report back to Matthias with the results.

I’m about to start a new screenplay.  I put a great deal of thought into the minute details like character and location names.  I’m sure you’re aware of that from reading this blog.  Think of the recurring characters.  Do their names pop right into your head?  I once jokingly referred to my home as The House on the Hill, and that name has stuck.  I so like the name Three Toads & A Wicked Lady that I’ll think up ways to mention the popular Witch Bar in as many posts as possible.

starThe new screenplay has a key scene set in a bar in the first ten pages.  I want you to name the bar for me.  If I pick your entry, I’ll name the bartender in the scene after you.  How does that sound?

It’s a romantic comedy, and in the scene, the sidekicks drag the male protagonist to the local bar to try to get his mind off of his recent break up.  It’s no specific town, but assume it’s in Maine.  It’s not a dive bar, but rather a place locals go every weekend and feel at home.

The bar might come up again later in the script, or at least get a mention in the dialogue, so I need it to be something memorable.

Share your suggestion in the comments.  Feel free to add a little background about why the bar has that name, or why you think it’s perfect for my screenplay.  I am impressed by creativity.

Because this is also a dry run of how wide the blog’s reach can be, bonus points will be given for sharing this post on other forms of social media.  When you send your entry, make sure to tell me where you shared this post.  I’ve got share buttons for Facebook, Stumble Upon, Twitter, and Reddit at the bottom of the post for your convenience.

I’m excited to read your entries.  Enter as many times as you’d like.  I’ll announce the winner next Saturday.  If I pick a name entered by more than one person, the tiebreaker process will include how often you shared the post, any creative back story you included, and who submitted the name first.

enter to winI also reserve the right to not pick a winner if nothing tickles my fancy.  Let’s keep it clean, as this is a family friendly blog.

Remember, I’ve had two of my screenplays produced (check out the trailers on my About page) and a third one hopefully about to go into production.  I like your chances of the winning entry making it to the big screen.

Good luck!  Thanks for entering the contest and sharing this post!

Posted in Funny, Humor, Movies, Philosophy, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 134 Comments

Hey, Grass…

grassHey, grass…

Every week,

I cut you

Down to size,

Forcing you

To conform

To my norm.

You reach

For the sky,

And I

Knock

You

Down.

Every week,

Regardless

Of what

I’ve done

To you,

You return.

Defying me.

Standing up

To me.

Showing off

Your tenacity

And resilience.

Then I

Cut

You

Down

Again.

Should I

Admire you?

Should I

Try to be

More

Like

You?

How do you

Find the

Strength

To face

The blade

Week after

Decapitating

Week?

Tell me

Your secrets,

And maybe,

If my

Neighbors

Don’t complain

Too much,

I’ll go

A little longer

Between mows.

I apologize

For my

Mixed message.

I nurture you,

Then limit

Your growth.

Believe me,

I know

How you feel.

Metaphotically

Speaking,

Of course.

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy, Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 25 Comments