At Least The Devil Saved A Ton Of Money

DevilI sighed and turned off the television in disgust.

“Aren’t we going to watch the Yankees?” The Devil asked in confusion from his end of the couch.

I just shot him a look as I downed the rest of my Snapple in one long gulp.  The Jets had just lost to the Packers after blowing a 21-3 lead.  I was not happy.

“I bet you regret sending those taunting texts,” Lucifer said with a chuckle as he reached for the bowl of chips.

He was right.  When my beloved Jets had jumped out to the big lead, I had sent a few text messages to The Girl Who Loves The Packers.  I couldn’t help myself.  I love her, but we are fiercely competitive whenever any of our teams face off.

“Maybe,” I replied solemnly as I removed my Jets jersey like I was afraid the bad luck involved with it might be contagious.

“Look, I know you’re upset, but you should be happy for me,” the Prince of Darkness informed me as he passed me a fresh Snapple from the cooler.

“Why is that?” I asked with irritation in my voice.  I hate it when the Jets get my hopes up, and then dash them like this.  It seems to happen multiple times every season.  “Did Packers fans promise you their souls if their team won today?”

The Devil chuckled.  “Get real, Austin.  We’re talking about your pathetic Jets.  No one would ever trade their eternal soul in return for a victory over a team that always finds a way to lose.”

Lucifer had a point, so I just shrugged and opened my Snapple.  The fact until the bottle cap was nothing exciting, so I tossed the cap aside and took a sip.  “So why should I be happy for you?”

jetsSatan’s eyes lit up like he had been dying for me to ask.  “Because if the Jets had actually beaten the Packers, it would’ve meant that Hell had frozen over.  Do you have any idea how much it costs to thaw out that place?”

I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of my laughter, but I couldn’t help myself.  That was a good one.

“I don’t know why I keep letting you back into this house,” I muttered as I turned on the TV.

I figured watching the Yankees might ease the pain of the Jets’ loss.  Then again, with the way the Yanks have been playing lately, things might just get worse…

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy, Sports | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

How Did People Exercise Before Running Was Invented?

cavemenHappy Sunday, Modern Philosophers.

As I started on my morning run, the oddest Deep Thought materialized: How did people exercise before running was invented?

I imagine that cave people were an obese bunch since they didn’t have gyms, exercise equipment, or running to help them burn off all the calories.  Sure, hunting and gathering probably helped keep the metabolism going, but I’m sure there was a lot of just sitting around the fire, eating, drinking and painting on the walls of the caves.

Ironically, there have been some recent discoveries of cave paintings that depict cavemen taking part in what looks like a high impact cardio workout.  In the paintings, they are swinging their clubs, doing what look like push ups and squats, and raising boulders over their heads.

run dinosaurOf course, I’m fairly certain that running was invented once cavemen realized that walking away from a hungry dinosaur was not very helpful.

After the first hunter managed to run to safety from a T Rex (or at least outrun his fellow hunters to get to safety) hell bent on devouring him as an afternoon snack, I bet running became all the rage.  They probably ran in teams, always making sure to bring a really slow cave dweller with them just in case they encountered a hungry beast.

Until the wheel was invented, and they got fat and lazy again because they rolled everywhere, I bet there was a time when all the cave folk were lean, mean running machines.  Just think of the money Nike could have made selling running shoes back in the day.  Nike BC: Just do it, before the dinosaurs do you!

So that’s where my head was this morning, Modern Philosophers, as I set out on my 3 mile journey.  While I know there are no longer any dinosaurs out there to chase you and convince you that running can save your life, there might be even scarier things to motivate you to get up out of your cave and hit the road.  There’s heart disease, diabetes, and obesity, just to name a few.

just runShow the world that you’ve evolved.  Put on your Running Toga, lace up your sneakers, and hit the road.  I promise, it’s well worth it.

Look at what happened to the cavemen.  They got lazy and now they’re gone.

Don’t be a caveman.  Just run!

This message sponsored by the Time Travelers Society For A Healthier Planet and paid for by a grant from the Dr. Emmett L. Brown Foundation.

Posted in Fitness, Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

I Advise You To Alert The National Weather Service

BlutoDear Modern Philosopher,

I have a serious problem, and I’m pretty sure you’re the only person in the world who can relate, and therefore, might be able to help.

I live in Iowa (please no jokes about that!) and I really enjoy my life here.  Like you, I used to be a big city guy, and really needed to just get away and start over someplace much more quiet and laid back.

There’s this diner I frequent because it perfectly encompasses everything I pictured life would be when I moved here.  Everyone knows my name, they’ll make whatever I want even if it’s not on the menu, people will just sit down at my table and strike up a conversation, and they’ve got the best apple pie I’ve ever tasted.

Most importantly, there’s this waitress who really makes my heart do a little dance every time I see her.  I used to go out of my way to sit in her section just to make sure I could strike up a conversation.  Now, wherever I sit, she’ll come over to take my order.

I’m pretty sure the attraction and feelings are mutual, but there’s one huge problem…

I woke up the other morning to the sound of shattering glass.  I ran out to my living room to discover someone had thrown a ball of ice through my front window.  A ball of ice on an 80 degree day, mind you.  There was a note tied to the ice in a plastic baggie.  It read:

The waitress is mine.  Back off now or Iowa will have the worst Winter in the history of horrible Winters.  Snow Miser.”

Isn’t Snow Miser your Arch Enemy because you stole his girlfriend in college?  He never lets up, does he?  How in the world do I extricate myself from this nightmare?  Can I save myself and Iowa and still get the girl?

Help!!!!

Down in the Dumps in Davenport

Snow MiserDear Davenport,

Oh boy!  Based upon my personal experience, you are in for a world of hurt and lots of snow shoveling if you fight Snow Miser for a woman’s affection.

That ice hearted little snow imp doesn’t understand how love works, so in his frozen brain, if he calls dibs on someone, she is his regardless if the feeling is mutual.

If you really love the waitress, and she loves you in return, you can always do what I did and run off to California, where state law prohibits Snow Miser from crossing the state line.  Of course, you’d then have to live in California, which might be worse than enduring a lifetime of horrendous Winters.

I’m not one for running from a fight, though, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart.  You need to fight for the woman you love.

I advise you to alert the National Weather Service.  Make them aware of Snow Miser’s threats against you and Iowa, and let the professionals handle this.  At the very least, the National Weather Service will make sure your state is properly prepared to face the Winter and Snow Miser’s fury.

Good luck with your waitress, my friend.  Don’t let anything get in the way of true love because it is so hard to find…

Austin

Posted in Funny, Humor, Love, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

Screenwriter, Blogger, Late Night Talk Show Guest…

Well, I’m back from the Gracie Theater and Graciemy gig as a late night talk show guest, Modern Philosophers!

I’m not allowed to post any photos of the new set of The Nite Show With Danny Cashman, but I can assure you that it looks amazing!  If you’ve ever seen the show, you will agree that the new look is a gazillion times better.  You will be impressed!

This afternoon, we did a run through of a show so that the production crew could work out the kinks before the first taping on September 24.  Once ago, I must give a huge shout out to the students from NESCOM who make up The Nite Show’s crew.  They were great and handled every little bump like professionals.

Even though it was just a run through with very few people in the audience, I still got a little surge of pride when Joe Kennedy, the show’s announcer and Danny’s hilarious sidekick, announced my name during the opening credits.

nite logoWhen Danny did the monologue, he used the jokes from the last show at the old theater.  That meant that three of the four jokes were written by me, including my infamous Saturday Night Live Viagra joke.  I will admit that I got a little crazy with the applause when Danny delivered the punchline.

After the monologue, Joy, Danny’s assistant and right hand, took me backstage so that I cold get mic’d up for my gig as the guest.  Three members of the NESCOM crew flocked to help me and put me through a mic check.  I’ve got to admit, I was getting pretty nervous.  I knew it was just a run through, but people were watching, cameras were rolling, and I had no idea what Danny was going to ask me.

Unlike my first appearance on the show when I had to hide in a tiny space behind an ugly curtain before walking onto the stage, this time, I felt like I was on a real talk show.  You’ll know what I mean, Modern Philosophers, once I’m able to share pics of the set.

Since it was a run through, and kinks were being worked out, I had to do my entrance four times as I was the first guest to ever walk out onto the set for an interview.  The third time, I purposely delayed my entrance.  The fourth time, I walked out like a boxer with my arms held high over my head in victory.

Danny asked me a few questions about The Retirement Party, and I led the conversation around to .33 Reverse Gunther, my screenplay that I hope will be going into production soon.  We ended with my answering a question as if I were Eliot Cutler, one of the Maine Gubernatorial candidates.

It was definitely a blast, and I’m totally excited to write for the new season.  Ironically, it was almost three years to the day from when I was an actual guest on The Nite Show.  The date is easy to remember since it was The Girl Who Owns My Heart’s birthday.

I’m comfortable working behind the camera, Modern Philosophers, but maybe it’s time for this handsome face to be out in front of it more often…

Nite ShowIf you live in Maine, I really hope you’ll come to a taping of The Nite Show at The Gracie Theater.  I promise you will not be disappointed (and I’m told the monologue jokes are outstanding!).

Posted in Funny, Humor, Philosophy, Television, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Hey! Who Moved My House???

house moveI had a moment of panic while on my morning run, Modern Philosophers.

I thought someone had moved The House on the Hill.  You’ve heard of such things happening, I’m sure, and it’s more likely to happen in Maine, where the Magical occurs on a daily basis.

I kept expecting to turn into my driveway, but when I’d look up, I was still not even on my street.  What the hell was going on?  Who moved my house?

That’s when I realized I had decided to run 4 miles rather than my usual 3.  Suddenly, it all became clearer.  The House on the Hill had not been housenapped.  I had simply run further from it, making it seem like it was not where it was supposed to be.

Alas, it was right where I’d left it.  Looking all regal atop its hill, Gary the Gargoyle on his usual perch at the edge of the roof, and Flying Monkeys circling overhead, trying to get Gary’s attention.

one more mileThere truly is no place like home, especially after you’ve increased your run by 33 1/3% (yes, I went all Math Nerd on you!).

It definitely felt good to push myself that extra mile, but it did take a little coaxing.  Luckily, I was able to drift off into Deep Thoughts calculating how much longer it was going to take to pay off my Home Equity Loan (told you I was in Math Nerd Mode!), and that helped keep me distracted enough.

Until, of course, I snapped out of it and couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t back at The House on the Hill yet.

It was 41 degrees when I woke up this morning, Modern Philosophers, so I had to put on one of my warmer Running Togas.  It made me sad to have to make that move when it’s still technically Summer, but it gets cold very quickly in Maine.

Much quicker than this Modern Philosopher can run 4 miles…

Later this morning, the scale told me that this whole running and eating better thing is working, so I guess I will continue with the routine.  I need to stay out there for as long as possible because once Winter hits, I never seem to run as much.

Just go runHope you are enjoying your Saturday, Modern Philosophers.  Get outside and do something active today while there’s still some Summer left on the calendar.

I wouldn’t stray too far from home, though, because I hear some pranksters are on the loose, moving houses while the owners are away…

Posted in Fitness, Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Jump Start Your Brain: TV Jitters

JumpstartHappy Saturday, Modern Philosophers!

I’m up way too early on my day off, but I’ve got the jitters and cannot sleep.  I’m not sure if I should try to go back to bed, or put on my Running Toga and work out my nerves on a morning run.

I definitely need to jump start my brain, though.  I’m in a total fog.  What about you?  Could you use 1000 Volts of Deep Thoughts to get the gray matter humming?

Have you ever been so nervous about something that you couldn’t sleep?  Have you tossed and turned in bed in the wee hours of the morning trying to figure out a way to stop thinking about that thing so you could go back to sleep?  Did you ever get past it?  Did you ever sleep again?  If so, what’s the secret?  Why won’t you share it with me?

Have you ever been on TV, Modern Philosophers?  Have you ever been a guest on a talk show?  Did you know that it’s almost 3 years to the day since I taped my guest spot on The Nite Show With Danny Cashman?  Do you have any idea how nervous I was that night?  Did you know I almost chickened out and left the theater without going on TV?  Did you know the only thing that kept me there was knowing that it was The Girl Who Owns My Heart’s birthday, and she was in the audience waiting to be so proud of me?

Do you want to know why I’m so nervous today?  Can you believe it’s because I’m going to be the guest on a run through of The Nite Show at the new theater?  How silly is that?  Why would I be nervous if it’s only a test show that’s never going to air?  Am I just being ridiculous?  Maybe it’s just jitters about seeing the new theater for the first time?  Maybe it’s just excitement about the new season starting?  Could it be that down deep, I worry that Danny is going to actually air the test show, and I’ll look like a total dork in front of The Nite Show’s large viewing audience?

How cool is it, though, to get to be a part of something like this?  Wouldn’t you love the opportunity to sit in the guest’s chair and just talk about yourself?  Should I make up crazy fake stories?  Should I talk with a goofy accent?  Should I turn the tables and start asking Danny questions?  Perhaps I should run up to the camera, lick the lens, and then do a crazy dance in the middle of the stage?

Do you think stage fright for a test TV show taping isn’t a real problem?  Should I go to an actor pretending to be a therapist to talk about my anxiety?  Should I take a placebo to calm my nerves before I walk out onto the stage?

Are you doing anything today that has you nervous?  Want to trade places with me?

Hope you all have a great Saturday!  Maybe I’ll share some stories and pictures of my visit to The Gracie Theater if I don’t pass out from nerves…

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, Philosophy, Television | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Friday Night Think Tank: Does Peace Have A Chance?

Doc BrownIt’s Friday night, Modern Philosophers!

This was my first 5 day work week in a while, so the 40 hours I had to put in while chained to my desk wore me down a little more than usual.  Now I am free, however, and writing out on the porch of The House on the Hill.  Does it get any better?

Of course it does… a trip to the Think Tank would make this Summer evening even more awesome.  Who’s going to join me out there?

I must warn you that I am in a silly mood, so this week’s topic for our Philosophical Exercise might induce chuckles as well as Deep Thoughts.

Let’s head out now and get Tanked!

This week’s topic: Which do you think you’re more likely to see in your lifetime: World Peace, World War, or an Apocalyptic Event such as an Alien Invasion, Zombie Apocalypse, or Robot Apocalypse that forces mankind to join together to fight off a non-human threat bent on wiping us off the face of the Earth?

I told you I was in a silly mood, but get the Deep Thoughts going on this one.  You can still be philosophical and humorous, so go for it…

peaceWhile I’d really like to see us give Peace a chance, my money is riding on an Apocalyptic Event.  If pressed, I’d have to say it would be a Robot Apocalypse, since that is the threat I’m constantly warning you about on this blog.  I think our Alien friends would defend us against an invasion from Evil Aliens, and I believe that mankind is well educated now on how to deal with Zombies should they come for our brains.

It’s those damn Machines under the guidance of Robot High Command that really get my toga all up in a twist!

On a slightly more serious note, (which I know is still possible because Deep Thoughts can rise above the silliness!), I don’t think anyone would be foolish enough to lead the world down the path of an all out war again.  Maybe I’m incredibly naive, but while I believe there will always be sabre rattling and power hungry tyrants who rise up and threaten to take on the world, I don’t think a World War would be allowed to happen.  Something would be done to neutralize the threat until the next nitwit marched into the spotlight.

Conversely, I can’t see any scenario (outside of an Apocalyptic Event) that would bring the entire planet together in peace and harmony.  Unicorns will not run across the plains under skies of eternal rainbows.  Some group will always hate another, some country will want what another country possesses, and hatred will always be a part of our lives.

Since I cannot fathom World Peace or World War as viable options in my lifetime, my lopsided Modern Philosopher logic dictates that the choice behind Door Number Three is the event most likely to occur.

I’m curious to see if the Aliens, Zombies, or Machines get to us first.  Are there any other Apocalyptic Options out there that might occur even sooner?

I’m interested in hearing your Deep Thoughts on this one, Modern Philosophers!

Posted in Funny, Humor, musings, observations, Philosophy | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 44 Comments