Don’t Mow Me Down

I decided to take the day off and make it a three day weekend, Modern Philosophers.

The real reason I took a day off was because I needed to get my car inspected.  Since I bought out my lease, I no longer have to go to the dealership for such things.  Of course, there, I could make an appointment and then sit in the waiting room until the work was done.  Sometimes, it was quick and sometimes, I’d be there for hours.

It was nice to go back to my old mechanic who had miraculously kept Zombie Car running for years until it finally died.  I dropped off my car at 7AM and then ran from the mechanic’s down to the river, where I did a run along my regular route.

I was just sitting down to breakfast when they texted that my car was ready for pick up.  It was only 9AM, so I guess I didn’t need to take off the entire day.  But no backsies!  I had the day off and there was no way I was giving it back.  I decided to get in some more steps by walking across the bridge to the bank.  When I got home, I considered buckling to pressure and mowing the lawn for the first time this spring.

Unfortunately, I could not get the lawn mower to start.  My neighbor came out and said he had tried to start it last week to no avail.  He thinks it might need a new sparkplug, so we’re going to try that first before I panic about having to buy a new mower.

Instead, I sent a text to the guy who mows my neighbor’s lawn and does some of the big yardwork for me every summer.  I asked him for a quote on mowing the lawn and decided not to worry about the broken piece of machinery for the time being.

In the meantime, I have done major work on the new novel.  I completed a big scene that’s been bouncing around in my head for weeks, and I am now dangerously close to being done with a first draft.  I’m pretty excited about this project and am looking forward to sending it out to agents.

Not that querying agents is any fun!  I’m simply trying to be positive.  It’s been a very productive day off.  Did I mention I even wrote a new blog post?

Hope you’re all having a great Monday.  Signing off from my couch where a purring kitty is curled up next to me…

Sorry, I’m Allergic

“My weather app says the pollen count is extremely high today.  How are your allergies?” Holly asked with concern because she knew how bad they could get.

It was a sunny Sunday in May, and the best friends were seated on their favorite bench next to the river.

“I woke up with itchy eyes and immediately took my allergy meds,” Aaron told her.  “I’m not one for taking medication, but I’ll definitely bend that rule for my allergies. 

“The meds help then?”

He shook his head emphatically while taking a long sip of his Snapple.  “For sure.  I wouldn’t have been able to go for my run if they didn’t.  It’s impossible to go any distance with a runny nose and constant sneezing.  It was a relief to be able to breathe clearly.”

Holly sipped her coffee as she pondered his reply.  “But you hate running.  You could have used your allergies as an excuse to skip it and stay in bed.”

He rolled his no longer itchy eyes.  “When I’m on a roll with my running, I have to keep going.  Otherwise, I will stay home in bed and get so out of shape that I’ll become too large to ever leave my bed again.  And then who will entertain you with his crazy rants every Sunday?”

Holly turned to him with an annoyed look on her beautiful face.  “So, in that scenario where you become so large that you’re bedridden, I wouldn’t visit you?  Do you think I’m that shallow?  That I only put up with you because you’re handsome and somewhat in shape?”

“Somewhat in shape?  You sweet talker.  Tell me more, you irresistible temptress!”

She giggled and slapped him playfully in the shoulder.  “Don’t change the subject.  Do you really think I’d abandon you in your time of need?  Or that I’d ever allow you to become that unhealthy?”

He shrugged.  “Well, you do let me drink a ridiculous amount of Snapple in your presence, and you often give me chocolate.”

“Those are necessary to keep you docile,” she explained with a mischievous grin.  “If you didn’t have those things, you’d be impossible to tolerate.  Do you really believe there’s only coffee in this cup?  Please!  Spending time with you requires something much stronger.”

He laughed loudly and took another sip of his iced tea.  “We truly do deserve each other.”

“I’m glad your allergies didn’t prevent you from joining me here today.”

He winked at her in response and then turned his attention to the river.       

 

Wanna See Ya Sweat

“I’ve noticed from your social media posts that you’ve been running a lot more recently,” Holly observed and then took a sip of her coffee.

It was the first Sunday of May and the best friends, finally back from a long hiatus, were seated on their favorite bench next to the river.

“That is true,” Aaron confirmed.  “This morning, I posted something about doing my longest run of the year because I was begrudgingly starting to burn off my fat reserves from the winter.”  He chuckled at his wit and then took a large gulp of his Snapple.

“Referring to that excess winter weight as a fat reserve is smart,” she remarked mockingly.  “To the untrained eye, that fat might look like excessive cake, ice cream, and whoopie pies devoured over the winter.  It’s wise to set people straight.”

“Do I sense a bit of cattiness in your tone?” he shot back with a sly grin.  “Are you jealous of my winter bod?  It requires a much lower level of maintenance than that extremely fit figure you work so hard to maintain year-round.”

Holly took another sip of coffee to prevent herself from saying the first thing that popped into her head.  Then she took a larger sip, so she doesn’t say the second and third things that popped into her head.  “I think it’s great that you’re taking an interest in your health again.”

“It’s not for me really.  I think it’s time to start dating again, so I want to get back into shape.  I’m not going to attract anyone looking all doughy and hacking up a lung after climbing a flight of stairs.”

Holly flashed him a look.  “Who are you hoping to attract?  Is someone going to break into your house and penetrate your secure bunker?  You’re never going to meet anyone if you never leave the house and constantly put up walls.  Perhaps a pole vaulter with lock picking skills would be your ideal match.”

“Someone feels like tell it like it is today,” he countered.  “What did I do to incur your wrath?”

“I’m sorry for being so rough, but sometimes it pisses me off when you talk about wanting to meet someone when all you ever do is push people away.  And for the record, you should want to get into shape for you, not for some stranger you haven’t met yet.”

Aaron took a long drink of his Snapple.  “Fine.  You’re my best friend and I know you have my best interest at heart.  I promise to be more cognizant of doing things for me while also trying to be more outgoing.  Are you still pissed at me, or can I share a crazy theory?”

“I’d love to hear a crazy theory.  I live for those.”  She smiled because it was true.

“I don’t believe this is actually fact,” he told her as he patted his belly.  “I believe this is excess sweat that built up all winter because I wasn’t releasing it on my runs.  I’m thinking after a few weeks of running, the flood gates and my sweat gland will open, and I’ll be fit and trim again.”

“Interesting theory,” Holly concurred.  “I’ve run with you, so I know you sweat like a pig.  I’d be curious to see if you’re correct.  But I won’t be accompanying you on your runs because I’m not sure my nose could handle all that excess sweat being released.”

“Good call,” he agreed.  “I promise to keep you posted.”

That being said, they both turned their attention towards the water.

The Bench is Quiet

Happy Sunday, Modern Philosophers!

I just wanted to assure you that Aaron and Holly are both fine.  I’ve sent them on a little vacation because I’ve been too busy with other writing projects to share their adventures with you.  They are off somewhere having a great time, though.  Sadly, for those of you shipping them, they are staying in separate rooms on their vacation.

For those of you wondering what’s more important than your weekly Aaron and Holly story, I’ll take a moment to update you.

This week was the Season Finale of The Nite Show. When it’s a shooting week, I spend most of my weekend writing monologue jokes. No, I don’t spend every waking hour writing jokes, but it takes my brain and funny bone time to reload after every batch of jokes I write. Trust me, I am a hilarious guy, but there’s only so much humor that can fit into the human body at a certain time. Once I expel it all onto the page, I have to wait for my body to regenerate more. And it’s not like I’m as young as I used to be. That means it takes even longer to reload the humor once I use it all.

I won’t bore you any further with the science of how the writing process works. Trust me when I tell you, though, that if I had been able to, I would have written a new Aaron and Holly story. You can blame science for my not being able to produce a new one for you. Science sucks, so I have no problem throwing it under the bus.

What’s my excuse this week? Am I going to blame science again? Actually, this time I point the finger at the top secret second novel I’m writing. The ideas have really been flowing for the past week and a half. So much so, that I even came up with the ending.

As you might remember, I don’t outline anything I write. I just make it up as I go along. So, until about a week ago, I was twenty-two chapters into the new novel and had no idea who the killer was, or how it was going to end. Now that I know, I’ve been working on the story during all my free time.

I think you’re really going to like this one, and better yet, I think agents and publishers might like it. Yes, I am still upset that querying the Bruno novel has not been successful. As a result, I really want/need for this one to go well.

The only drawback is that I need to focus all my creative energy on the novel. If it’s any consolation, I did go for a run this morning and when I was done, I sat on Aaron and Holly’s bench and plotted out the pages I plan to write for the novel today. Which means that Aaron and Holly are here in spirit. They’re never really too far away since they’re always having conversations in my brain.

I hope you’re all having a great weekend. Maybe Aaron and Holly will be back next Sunday!

Standing on Ceremony

“Thanks for coming over last night,” Aaron said and then held up his Snapple bottle in a toast.

It was the Sunday before Tax Day, and the best friends were seated on their favorite bench next to the river.  It was warm and the sun was shining.

“Happy to be there,” Holly replied and raised her cup of coffee to accept the toast.  “Thanks for inviting me again this year.”

“I know you probably think it’s a weird tradition, but it’s important to me and I wanted you to be there to take part,” he explained.  “It only happens once a year, so I like to make a big deal of it, even if it might seem silly to others.”

“I don’t think it to be silly at all,” she assured him.  “And even if I did, that doesn’t mean it’s any less important to you.  We all come from different backgrounds and cultures, so if we don’t celebrate our traditions, we lose a little piece of wait makes us unique.  Of course, you’re probably the only person in the world who holds a ceremony to mark this occasion, but that doesn’t make it any less important.”

“Exactly!” he exclaimed and took a long gulp of his Snapple.  “Traditions are created to remind us of important moments that should never be forgotten.  This one is something that means a great deal to me as it symbolizes my surviving a dark, depressing period in my life.”

“I totally agree,” she concurred with a bright smile.  “That’s why I was both honored and excited to be asked to participate.  What we celebrated last night is also important to me.  I think if more people heard about it, they would add the tradition to their annual list of events.”

“That would be pretty cool,” Aaron replied excitedly.  “Maybe if enough people started doing it, it would become a national holiday.  I could always use another day off.”

“As would I,” Holly agreed.  “The only problem I see with that, though, is agreeing on a date for the event.  After all, it doesn’t occur on the same day for everyone.”

He nodded as he considered her point.  “That’s true.  Maybe if we settled on a date that was like an average for the entire country, it would make sense.”

“That could work,” she decided.  “Either way, I propose a toast once again, even though it’s a day late.  It’s still just as exciting.”  She raised her cup, and he raised his bottle.  “To National Replacing Your Winter Coat with Your Spring Coat on the Coat Rack Day!”

“Cheers!” they said in unison and then tapped their bottle and cup.

“This historic event means that winter is officially over,” Aaron pointed out.  “I love ditching my winter coat in the closet where I won’t have to look at it, and better yet, won’t have to wear it for another seven months.  Life is good.”

“Life is very good!” Holly added.  “You look quite dashing in your spring coat, by the way.”

“Thanks.  You look sharp in yours.”

They smiled, basked in the spring sunshine, and turned their attention to the river.

Black Hole Sun

“Are you ready for the big eclipse tomorrow?” Holly asked with a smile before taking a sip of her coffee.

It was the Sunday before the eclipse, and the best friends were seated on their favorite bench next to the river.  The sun shone brightly and gave no indication that it planned to vanish the next day.

Aaron shrugged.  “Not to be contrarian, but I don’t really see what the big deal is about the eclipse.  I’m going to be indoors, I’m sure I’ll be busy, and I’ve experienced darkness before.  Like just now.”  He pointed to his face as he closed his eyes.  “Is this what it’s going to be like tomorrow?  If so, I don’t even need a special pair of glasses to witness it.”

“You’re such a dork!” she declared and punched him hard in the shoulder.  “An eclipse is much more than the lack of light.  Why are you acting like it isn’t?”

He took a long sip of his Snapple as his considered his answer.  “I suppose it has something to do with my being an introvert.  If everyone is going to do something, it’s in my nature to do the opposite to avoid the crowds.  Plus, if I don’t follow the herd and simply continue on with my life like it’s a typical Monday afternoon, I won’t risk blinding myself.”

“You’re impossible sometimes,” she countered with a shake of her head.

“Only sometimes?” he teased.  “Sounds like I’m improving.”

“I bet if no one cared about the eclipse, you’d be up on a rooftop trying to get the best view to watch it,” she told him.

“As Billy Joel once famously said, you may be right, I may be crazy,” he replied.  “What I won’t be, and you can bet the ranch on this, is standing in the parking lot and staring towards the heavens.  If there’s a surprise twist to the eclipse, I’m sure everyone else will let me know.”

“You’re no fun,” she grumbled as she took another sip of coffee.

“Thank you,” he replied with a smile.  “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve said to me today.”

They turned their attention to the river and agreed to disagree about the significance of the eclipse. Sensing his best friend was upset, Aaron tried to make her laugh by humming “Total Eclipse of the Heart”.  Holly did not want to react and give him any satisfaction, but she could not hold back a smile.

“Damn you, Bonnie Tyler,” she muttered.  They both laughed.

Maine Governor Refuses to Pay Ransom for Spring

Maine Governor Janet Mills called a press conference in Augusta this morning to announce that she has refused to pay the ransom to release Spring from captivity.  Mills was defiant in her stance and made it clear that the Pine Tree State did not negotiate with terrorists.

“My office has received a ransom demand from a group calling itself Winter Should Last Forever.  These ecoterrorists claimed to be holding Spring hostage and said they would not release the season unless we left two million dollars in the parking lot of the new Renys in Bangor.”

Governor Mills went on to explain that even if the state had a spare two million dollars at its fingertips, she would never pay because that’s the way Mainers would want it.

“Mainers know that Spring sometimes doesn’t start here until May or even mid-June.  Mainers are tough, thick skinned, and don’t mind wearing layers.  Most Mainers learn how to shovel snow before they learn to walk, so another few months of Winter isn’t going to bother them.”

Most of the state shut down on Thursday because of the massive snow and windstorm that was predicted.  It was the second large snowstorm in Maine since the calendar claimed it to be Spring.  Thousands of Mainers are still without power because of Thursday’s storm.

The FBI has been called in to investigate.  According to my sources in the Bureau, the group Winter Should Last Forever has not come up on their radar.  Agents believe that the group is a front for Snow Miser, who enjoys tormenting Mainers and probably wanted a little more attention before he vanished for the year.

A quick poll of Mainers conducted by WRMP in Bangor shows that 95% of Mainers stand behind the governor’s decision to not pay the ransom.  Mainers have been out in force since Thursday making the most of the situation.  Mainers have hit the ski slopes and snowmobile trails in record numbers, and instances of snowball fights have increased by 1500% over this time last week.

The forecast calls for warmer weather on Monday, and this Modern Philosopher believes that not only did Governor Mills make the correct call, but also that Snow Miser should shove his head in a snowbank.

A Moment in the Sun

Sometimes we have an experience that makes us forget, at least momentarily, about everything that makes life a struggle, Modern Philosophers.

I had such a moment last night.

We were taping another episode of The Nite Show with Danny Cashman.  There was a commercial break and Danny, the man with his name in the title of the show, came to the front of the stage and introduced me to the audience.

I was sitting in my usual seat at the end of the second row, so I was hard to miss.  Especially when the star of the show is pointing me out to everyone in the theater.

Danny said something about my being a hell of a writer, and that I did more than write for the show.  It’s a bit of a blur because I was caught off guard and don’t usually do well in front of strangers.  Danny is a Red Sox fan, so he made a crack about my Yankees hat.  I do remember taking off my cap at that point and waving it to the crowd.  He followed it up with a compliment, though, about how I support my team and always wear my hat in public despite being in the heart of Red Sox Nation.

I then applauded myself for that, and when the audience tried to join me, he admonished them for encouraging and supporting a Yankees fan.

That moment was an unexpected surprise that I will forever treasure.  Sure, my name runs in the credits at the end of every show, but to be singled out and introduced to the audience made me feel special.  And I am grateful to Danny for taking the time to do that.

Being a writer is difficult.  Lately, I’ve been dealing with the rejections to the queries I’ve sent out about the Bruno novel.  When Danny introduced me and the audience applauded, I remembered how much I love being a writer.  I don’t write to be famous, but I have to admit it is good for the ego and self-confidence to get a round of applause from an appreciative crowd that earlier laughed at a couple of the jokes I’d written for the monologue.

Now you know, Modern Philosophers.  Writers are cool.  We just can’t help it, I guess.

Thank you, Danny, for the shout out.  It is a privilege to wrack my brain for ways to make you seem hilarious on TV every week.  You certainly make it a challenge at times, but I’m up to the task.

Okay, that was just a ribbing for making fun of my Yankees.  I really do love writing for The Nite Show and it’s an honor to be a part of the team.

If you don’t have a job writing for late night TV, I highly recommend you get one.  Especially, if you can find yourself a boss like Danny Cashman!

Show A Little Faith, There’s Chocolate

“Happy Easter!”  Holly greeted Aaron with a beaming smile and presented him with a candy Easter bunny.  “I wanted to make sure you got something, and I know anything chocolate peanut butter is your favorite.”

It was Easter Sunday, and the best friends were seated on their favorite bench next to the river.

“Thank you,” Aaron replied as he looked at his treasure.  “This will be a yummy treat when I’m watching the Yankees game later.”

Her smile grew a little wider now that she had confirmed her gift was a success.  “I was going to ask if you had any big plans, but it sounds like you’re going to be watching baseball.”  She sipped her coffee and waiting for a response.

He nodded and took a long chug of his Snapple.  “You know Easter isn’t a big deal for me.  The nuns ruined it for me a long time ago.”

“Explain again how they did that,” she asked as a mischievous grin passed over her beautiful face.  Holly was well aware of the answer but listening to Aaron rant about it every year had become an Easter tradition.  The cost of the show was well worth one Reese’s Easter bunny.

“Every year I’d ask the nuns what chocolate, baskets, eggs, and bunnies had to do with the resurrection of Jesus, and every year, I’d get sent to the principal’s office,” he explained.  “They treated me like I was a blasphemous heathen, when I was just a curious kid who wanted answers.”

“You’re not supposed to question your faith,” she teased because she knew it would inspire more of a tirade against his upbringing.  “You’re just supposed to follow along and believe.”

“Yet anytime I would ask why I couldn’t do something that one of my friends was allowed to do, I’d get the answer, if he jumped off a bridge, would you jump, too?” he grumbled.  “Apparently, it was okay for me to follow blindly when it came to religion, but not when I wanted a new pair of sneakers or permission to go to a movie on a school night.”

“Oh, ye of little faith,” Holly giggled and drank some more coffee.

“That was exactly it,” he agreed.  “I simply wanted to understand faith.  In social studies, we were taught how wrong it was for nations of people to blindly follow charismatic leaders who led them into wars and committed great atrocities.  In religion, though, we’re taught to blindly follow these tales of a man who could rise from the dead, walk on water, and turn water into wine.  My logical mind craved clarification, and the nuns told me FAITH! and then sent me to the principal.”

Holly reached across and gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder.  “I can see how that would confuse that big brain of yours.”

Aaron nodded and took another hit of Snapple.  “It quickly became clear to me that faith meant accepting something as truth because the nuns told us to believe it.  I then concluded that candy and eggs on Easter were bribes meant to distract us and get us to accept a story that made no sense.  If we were too hopped up on chocolate, we couldn’t question how a man rose from the dead.”

“That makes perfect sense,” Holly agreed.

“Of course, once I learned about zombies, I had so many more questions about Easter, but by then it was too late,” he lamented.  “I’d accepted my share of Easter candy and had forfeited the right to question the faith the nuns had forced on me.”

“But at least you got the candy,” she reminded him.

Aaron smiled and pulled a giant chocolate egg from the pocket of his hoodie.  He then presented it to his best friend.  “Thank you for putting up with the same rant every year.  Happy Easter.”

Holly blushed and accepted his offering.  Then, rather than discuss why they always did such sweet and loving things for each other, they turned their attention to the river.

Nine Innings of Normal

The world is slowly returning to normal, Modern Philosophers.  The snow from this weekend’s big storm is almost completely melted, the wind is supposed to finally die down this morning, and the Yankees are playing winning baseball.

Opening Day finally arrived on Thursday and did not disappoint.  I stopped on my way home for proper baseball snacks, which ended up being fried chicken, French fries, and root beer.  The Yankees quickly fell behind 4-0 but ended up winning the game.

I cheered, I yelled, I commented with my fellow fans on Yankees Twitter.  All while stuffing my face with yummy food.  It was a perfect afternoon and evening.

What really mattered most, though, was how relaxed and happy I was watching the game.  It was three hours where I could follow my heroes, listen to baseball talk, and not worry about all the nonsense going on outside of my little baseball cocoon.

And there is so much nonsense out there!

My weekends can now return to a much more comforting routine.  I’ll write my novel, catch up on the shows on my DVR, and watch the Yankees.  It doesn’t take much to make me happy.  After six months without baseball, I’d forgotten how getting caught up in the season helps me forgot about the little things that increase my stress levels.

My mind is constantly running, and I’d much rather have those thoughts focused on my favorite baseball team.  It’s only two games into the season, and I’m already excited at how statistics, matchups, and potential lineup combinations are keeping my thoughts occupied.

They say you get wiser as you grow older.  With me, it was more of a case of picking the Yankees as a companion rather than another human.  Afterall, the Yankees disappoint me far less.  And they never argue with me or say bad things about me.

Tonight’s game doesn’t start until 7:15, so I plan to fill my day with writing.  How can you not love a weekend that’s all about writing and baseball?

So, if you haven’t already done it, I highly recommend focusing your attention on baseball while you ignore the world and everything about it that causes stress.  You’re sure to thank me!